My hubby also lost his DS and he’s worse than the kids; always losing everything; his car keys, pager, wallet, cell phone, etc. he’s an inept fop and it’s so off-putting and he also screamed at me I’m useless and “can’t do anything” because I have a hard time waking up the lazy teens but  he’s such as asshole and I’m just so tired of always being dumped on and wish I was dead; he’s supposed to build me up, NOT tear me down, and him and my mother are the ones that are supposed to love me the most but treat me the worst and make me feel like an abject failure , happiness always  eludes me, and I’m irrepairably broken.

I also had a dream I should move to Singapore and it might not be a bad idea and seems like a nice place I could be happy in. I’ve always hated it here and Singapore is conservative;not immoral and permissive like here, has one of the lowest crime rates(due to strict laws) in the world, is highly urban and big-city,is multi-cultural, exotic, has a nice climate and they speak English. My hubby couldn’t be such a loser there either since if you spit on the sidewalk they fine you 200$! Might not be a bad idea; maybe I should go on a trip there and check it out sometime? The 4 YR old  also steals the other kids’ toys and hides them under his desk. I am seriously concerned about his behaviour but of course my concern is just dismissed by my mother and hubby because nothing *I* say is ever credible or worth listening to or taking seriously. Shit.

I wish I could get another Chihuahua again, like re-living, recreating,and re-enacting that happy time. My hubby forbids any more pets(at least until the kids are all grown and moved out anyway) as they are always so much trouble; destructive, ill-tempered and nasty, smelly, noisy and messy. The kids miss having a dog too and still miss the dogs we got rid of last March and still even play “dog.” I know more pets probably isn’t a good idea, and something always goes wrong, we get the rotten or crazy ones, and it never works out or lasts for long but it was different with the Chihuahuas and I have better memories associated with them. Nevertheless, I’ll likely have to accept the fact just like with having no more babies anymore now: that’s it’s probably for the best. My heart tells me one thing but my mind tells me something entirely different and oftentimes reality is not as good as the wish.But I can still dream, right? Right now it is just a secret dream of my heart, no one knows except for myself, my diary and now this blog,but I haven’t told anyone my secret desire, knowing it will be mocked ,rejected,and criticized.

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As well, my mom still has this horrible cough and even makes these weird wheezing sounds as she struggles to breathe yet refuses to go to a clinic simply because *I* suggested it; she’s stubborn and HAS to reject, oppose, dismiss,ignore,and discredit ANYTHING that *I* say,even though as a former nurse she should know better! The 4 YR old also was grabbing the 12 YR old around the neck and choking her,and spoiled as always,too: my hubby gave him an entire chicken leg off his plate  even though he hadn’t even finished his own dinner yet when the 8 YR old(who DID finish hers) asked he refused! No WONDER he’s so obnoxious and bad; he’s never told “no”(except by me) and gets everything he wants, is never punished, and gets special rights! I oppose it but of course I’m always over-ruled and my opinion means nothing, carries no weight, and I have no authority.I am completely ignored, disrespected and powerless.

The 13 YR old is a bully as well,always teasing, taunting,name calling and generally being mean(his fave. targets are me and the 8 YR old) and yesterday he was making fun of the 4 YR old but when he lost at a game the 8 YR old could do the 17 YR old made fun of HIM and he couldn’t take it; he was screaming and stomping and went upstairs in a huff, sulking, being a suck, slamming doors, etc.basically acting like a 2 YR old, so he can dish it out but he can’t take it when it happens to him,and I remember fondly when I used to play violin, before I had kids, and how Brahm’s Hungarian Dance was my fave. and maybe one day I’ll go back to it later, when the kids are all grown and I have more time?

I also hate and resent how my hubby continues to try and turn the kids into low-class rednecks like him: he lets them run around in the house, throw things in the house, eat food off other people’s plates, eat with their fingers, etc. despite my constant objections but there is a glimmer of hope my teachings might still be rubbing off and having an effect at least on some of them: the 4 YR old loves Classical music and the 8 and 10 YR olds like ballet and none of them like sports or country music…maybe there still IS some hope, afterall…

Cadets later  today they are doing a “temperature check” on the kids I find to be intrusive and odd and in March Break they are going on a trip to Toronto. My hubby is also taking the older kids rock wall climbing on Saturday,and used spray paint in the basement and the fumes were so bad I could even smell it 3 floors up with the door closed and it gave me a headache and probably fried a few brain cells(I can’t afford to lose!)! I also hit the back of my head on the bathtub as I slipped  deeper down and now wonder if I f*cked up my brainstem.

I am saving $$$ to get another boob reduction as well as they’re so big I have trouble finding clothes that fit and everything’s too tight on the chest and buttons always pop open and I’m so fat my fur coat doesn’t fit me anymore now either and I can’t do it up and it’s too tight on the upper arms,and my mother has a cough so bad it’s non-stop and she chokes and can’t breathe momentarily and almost coughed up a lung and I told her to go to the walk-in clinic esp. as with old people pneumonia is always a concern but she brushed me off even though as a former nurse she should know better and that’s TOO extreme I think, even for  a cough. Some of the kids have colds now as well.

The 4 YR old also kicked the 8 YR old hard in the stomach,a crazy Cardinal kept flying into our livingroom window, a man in church Sunday said our 15 YR old has “funny hair” as it’s spiky and dyed pink, green and blue (she looks like a parrot) I told my hubby I think he overdoes it with giving the 8 YR old 200 math questions a day(on top of her other school work) 100 each multiplying and dividing and it stresses her out and frustrates her(and he doesn’t think they should get any time off either) and he snarls, “You just want the kids to be dumb like YOU!”

I also think I MIGHT have seen the guy I used to love on TV! I was switching over channels for the news and the show before was some thing filmed in Toronto and it sure looked exactly like him sitting in the studio audience!  He’s bald like me now as well, and it really irks me when people say “Pet Parent” as well; you’re a pet owner, NOT a “parent”; you CAN’T be a parent to another species! Some people are so brain-dead it’s unreal!

 FACT:

- The 17 YR old finishes highschool in June and he still doesn’t know what he wants to do after. I want the kids to  go to university, but at least have to go to college or learn a trade; they have to do SOMETHING.

- I HATE it how my hubby watches loser wrestling which is the lowest form of “entertainment”, even worse than sports; it’s the bottom of the barrel and I resent he won’t let go of his redneck upbringing.

- I have a feeling I’m done travelling now, esp. with the news of the cruise ship wreck.The ships are increasingly also doing more immoral things lately which ruins it for me.

- I feed the squirrels daily, usually bread but sometimes raisins.

- The 4 YR old’s front teeth are all chipped, worn down, and dead from biting on wooden chairs. (He’s a weird kid)

- I have a new diet where I go grain-free all day twice a month and fast until noon, twice a month or so.

- I’m so fat I even  broke a wooden kitchen chair by sitting on it.

- I can’t find diaries anywhere anymore, not even online. No one makes them or sells them anymore. I have kept a diary since I was 13 when my life fell apart.

- I LOVE pumpkin pie!

- All the girls sew(by machine and by hand) and the 12 YR old knits too.

- I have a bath twice a day; being clean both inside and out, physically and spiritually.

- I start each day before sunrise in prayer and worship; burning incense, reading my Missal and doing my Rosary.

- If we ever need the kids to all come downstairs at the same time we just have to turn off the Internet and they’ll all come scrambling down  yelling, “What happened to my computer?”

- I feel like I’m stuck as a teen with my Asperger’s; a child trapped in an adult body  and have no basic life or job skills and couldn’t survive on my own.

- I heard on the news a football coach died and I never even heard of him and had no idea who he even WAS  before the sex scandal and football is on my list of 100 things I’d never watch and couldn’t care less about; it’s the last thing I’d watch!

- TV is SO bad nowadays; lame-o reality  and talent shows, like American Idol, The Bachelor, Dancing With The Stars, Toddlers And Tiaras, Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, Hoarders, Say Yes To The Dress, etc. and the worst things on TV are sports, talent shows, reality shows, soap operas and talk shows.I’d rather watch NOTHING.

- I like it how the Irish say “Jesus” as “Jaysus.”