High As F*ck.

screen-shot-10-24-16-at-07-27-pm Yesterday I had more of my new cannabis oil and increased the dose gradually as recommended,and I got high as f*ck! The full effect wasn’t noticed by myself until about 3 HRS after I’d ingested it but then I started feeling “wobbly” , like “ripples” passing thru me,and my right eye started twitching and both my eyes felt heavy and it was hard to keep my eyelids open!  Then all the letters and words on my computer screen started getting elevated off the screen and moving around, and I kept hearing a bass even though there wasn’t any, followed by a song with the same words repeating over and over again but it wasn’t real. My brain was also “foggy” and I couldn’t remember anything, and I had trouble spelling while I was typing stuff on the computer,and having difficulty comprehending as I was reading,too,and I would keep re-reading the same sentence over and over again. I also started to feel really cold and chilled and I was shivering so I just went to bed and as I laid down to go to sleep weird thoughts ,patterns,and images were running thru my brain, like a twilight-sleep and I eventually fell into a deep sleep..

As well, I just found out today that for the past 3 weeks the 13 and 15 YR olds have been going to the dentist, and I have no issue with it but the point is that I never knew, that no one ever told me, and that I’m always the last to know anything and am never even told what goes on in my own family with my own kids, or where they are,and I’m always left out,pushed away, not included, informed, or consulted, and every time I try to be a part of things, include myself, be involved, interested, and in the “know” they always push me away, mock me, reject me, and make it even harder for me to even try the next time, causing me to withdraw into myself and distance myself from them even more!

I also applied for a new passport as mine expires in 2 months,and I used my BFF and my hubby as references, and my hubby jokes that if they call him he’ll tell them that I’m a “Russian spy” and I told him if he uses me as his reference then I’ll tell them that he’s a Jihadist with ISIS! I just hope it’s processed ok and not rejected and returned to me for correction like it usually is….I usually do something wrong…..this time they also have a 10 YR option as well as the usual 5 YR so that’s what I chose.

The Girl On The Train.

screen-shot-10-24-16-at-06-34-pm I watched this movie, “The Girl On The Train” and basically it was about this woman who rode back and forth each day on the train and she always saw this same woman in a house on the way by,and she’d fantasize about her and her life, making up stories in her head, and then one day the woman shows up dead….but did she have anything to do with it? She was blacked-out drunk and can’t remember. Could her obsession have lead to murder?

It got me thinking: I always do that exact same thing, too; whenever I see people(esp. ones I see on a regular basis such as weekly at church, although I have done it at random one-time strangers,too) as well, I wonder what they’re really like and what their lives are like,and I imagine all kinds of stories in my head and fantasize of the kind of lives they lead, esp. the ones that seem to be so perfect, or so in love, or so happy. I wonder what they do for a living and where they might be coming from or going to, or who they’re talking to on the phone,and think up all these different scenarios for them, imagining what I think their life probably is like and how my own life would be so different if we could just trade places and I was them instead of me, they could have my life and I would live theirs. I imagine being them, or being in their lives.

So now I wonder: is that normal or just something that crazy people think up in their heads? The things psychological thriller films are made of? Am I the only one that fantasizes about perfect strangers and imagines lives, mysteries, loves, and secrets,etc. for them…or is it just in the minds of film makers and  unbalanced people?

Also, then if other people do it as well, I wonder what they think when they look at me?(besides the obvious fat and ugly) What “magical” fanciful life might they think live? What deception might they see? When they see my large house and pool,and large family they might think we’re a happy family…..but they would be wrong…if they had that ” Big Happy Family” normal scenario it would be so far from the truth. Can they tell by looking at me on the outside that really on the inside I am broken, crushed, beaten, defeated, lonely, hurt, bereft, and pained…..or would they actually think I was normal…?

Some good news as well: Awhile back I found one of the bullies from Grade 8 on Facebook and I messaged him calling him out,and yesterday I got a reply: he said he never even remembered me which hurt me as I’ll never forget him(and everything he did) but he did apologize for whatever it was he did, and explained that he’s changed, and he’s even a Christian now and goes to church every Sunday! I told him that I was glad to hear it and that I forgave him. I genuinely am happy that he’s redeemed himself and that he’s a better person now and not the way he used to be before,and he’s also proof that redemption is possible for anyone and anyone can change. It means alot, and it will really help towards my healing,too.


screen-shot-10-22-16-at-07-09-pm I saw an ad awhile ago for Westjet, advertising for workers, with no experience needed and I actually fantasized of me answering the ad and applying for a job,and you know, if I didn’t have my limitations of Asperger’s, BiPolar, and Social Phobia, I think I probably would. All these thoughts ran thru my head, I was thinking, “What if I really could?” If I wasn’t held back by my limits it could offer me a great opportunity, a way out of this miserable life, family, town,and situation I find myself trapped in.I could get a job with them, have my own life, escape,and be free.

Due to my weight and looks I wouldn’t be able to be a flight attendent, but there are other positions with the airline, such as ticket agent, working at the check-in counter, etc. and I like WestJet; I’ve taken them a few times when I went to Barbados, Miami,and Fort Lauderdale,and have never had any issues with them,and they don’t suck like Air Canada does! They are based in Calgary and if I got a job with them I could move there, away from here and away from my toxic family, just Buddy and I, and I could make my own $$$ and be independent,out of this toxic environment, and it would be fun and exciting and an adventure,and I’d even likely get free airmiles for travel,too!

But it’s all just a hope, a dream, a fantasy. They’d never hire me anyway, although for the sake of diversity they might have to hire so many “older” workers, but if I were “normal” and didn’t have all these set-backs I would definitely consider it. If I were able to make it on my own and function independently  it would be the answer to my dilemma, but like everything else, it’s just a fantasy, a dream, and will never happen. Imagine me working for WestJet……or for anyone…..at any job? Only in my dreams…..

Speaking of my toxic family, the 15 YR old made a bunch of her yummy  potatoes with dinner yesterday as well, enough for everyone, and I asked her if I could have some and she said “no” that it was “just for the vegetarians….” even though she did give some to the 13 and 17 YR olds who aren’t vegetarians…..she just didn’t want me to have any; she’s become a really nasty little thing lately, and my mother and I always mute sports on the news and when I left the room she un-muted it as my hubby was there and she  wanted to show-off for his benefit and endear herself to him and suck-up, even though she doesn’t like it either (it’s not just me) and then she lied and denied it, just telling him what he wanted to hear, selling me out, making it look like it was all my  idea, when she hates it too, says it’s redneck, makes remarks about how low-class and pointless it is, and even told me when I wasn’t  home before and it was just her watching that she still mutes it,too! She always does this and the 2 of them always join forces against me and take sides together against me and gang up on me  and when I told her so she never even denied it either because she knows it’s true.

hate my family.I always feel so alone, so unwanted,and so unloved.