Another Appointment.

Screen Shot 03-28-17 at 06.52 PM The 13 YR old, my hubby and I had another session at the eating disorders clinic, our weekly ritual now. In time it will just become a part of our regular routine, just like how it was when our now 19 YR old had leukemia when he was 7 and we had to make weekly trips for his chemo; you just sort of integrate the treatments into your life and it just sort of becomes a part of your routine.We’re lucky my hubby works from home though and is flexible,and I’m home with the kids anyway, and our homeschooling is flexible,too, but I really can’t see how 2 working parents with regular office hours could manage to get that much time off work once a week for months, esp. with each app’t lasting 2 -21/2 HRS and the clinic is over an HR away; I don’t think they’d be able to get all that time off so often, not without getting fired, anyway!

Despite a good week of getting her to eat more, she’s still lost weight, when we were hoping she would have at least gained something,making me wonder if she is still somehow sneaking off to barf it up, although they said it is normal this early though as she’s so undernourished it takes awhile to start gaining and to get up to a normal weight and then to start gaining more weight and the behaviour specialist talked to her today while we talked to the social worker and the nutritionist went over her food intake for the past week and our “homework” for this week is to continue to increase her food portions and varities of food and to add calories by adding sauces, dips, etc. and “sneaking” milk into soups, for example, and to not let her pick at, squeeze, or play with her food as it’s part of her rigid thinking that contributes to her eating disorder and the hold that it has over her that we have to try and break.

I also feel badly and guilty too wondering if I’m somehow to blame since I’ve been on so many diets myself to lose weight ever since I was a teen, and maybe now I’m fat she doesn’t want to end up looking like me (and on my side of the family everyone gets fat once they reach their 40’s, even if they were thin before, like me; it’s genetic) or maybe even from my hubby, who’s OCD and very picky about eating and has to force himself to eat, even though I’ve always told the kids growing up that people come in all different shapes and sizes; tall, short, thin, fat, and have always reassured them that they don’t have to worry about their weight and that the media and fashion world puts a high and unrealistic expectation of beauty on women and even the models don’t really even look like that; even they’re  Photoshopped!

The social worker also said she loved my orange Converse high-tops and the 13 YR old’s Roots hoodie and said we are a “funky, fashionable family” and I told her “we all have our own individual style” and my hubby mentioned how he and the 13 YR old and all the kids go to Fan Expo (which is like Comic-Con) every YR and I made it clear that I don’t, because I don’t want them to get the wrong impression and think I’m a nerd! 😀 I need to have my nails filled-in as well now it’s been a month and I get it done at the salon in Kingston and wanted to get it done after the app’t since we were already there but my hubby didn’t care and said it’s not important and not happening and didn’t want to bother taking the time because it’s just something for me but I have to get them done soon before they grow out completely!

I heard Stairway To Heavenmore times as well, last night and today, once on the radio and once on my iPod, for a total of 6 days in a row now, as an answer to that prayer that I hear it 3 days in a row as a sign if I’m going to die soon,and before I had a revelation I’m going to die on the 29th,too( although not clear which 29th or what month) and I wonder if it will even be today sometime, esp. since Buddy’s been extra attentive, not leaving my side and whining, almost as if he can sense something’s not right. There’s also a mumps outbreak in Toronto; 64 cases, but that’s not so bad considering it’s a population of 2.5 million,and I had mumps when I was a kid and so did everyone else I knew, and in fact, back in the 70’s when I was growing up, I also had measles, German measles, and chicken-pox, too; it was just a part of childhood!

My mother also ordered me to help her get a show on the TV as she doesn’t know how to get it streamed from the computer to play on the TV….except she didn’t think to ask me just 5 minutes before, when I was already in the livingroom……she decided to do it after, after I’d already left and was busy doing something else and then she got all snotty, snippy, huffy,and demanded that I just drop what I’m doing and do what she wants so I told her I was busy and she should have asked earlier and to get someone else to help her…..and she starts bitching at me, swearing, and just generally being nasty so I told her, well, if you’re going to be a bitch about it and act like that then I won’t help you the next time,either! and then she whines how she “hates having to depend on other people to always have to help her” and I told her “Or we could show you how so you could do it yourself…..” but she refused,claiming she’s “too old….” ok…..yeah, whatever….she’s her own worst enemy.

My Pain.

Screen Shot 03-27-17 at 08.32 AM 001 I was woken up at 5 am with gripping severe stomach pain I was curled up into a ball and clenching my pillow and I felt like I was going to barf with the pain. Now you have to understand that I only get the urge to barf with the most severe pain, such as in labour, a migraine, and surgery recovery. That’s how bad this pain was. I would grade it a 7/10 in severity on the pain scale. My gallbladder pain 5 YRS ago would be a 6 in comparison and surgery would be a 9, migraines a 10, and labour a 12. It lasted for 90 minutes and I even had to do my controlled breathing to manage the pain like I did in labour and my arms were shaking and trembling. I seriously thought I would have to go to the ER but it was so early and I didn’t want to wake anybody up or have to sit there in the waiting room for hours when in all truth I couldn’t even really sit, the pain was so bad; all I wanted to do was just lay down and curl up so I decided to just wait it out…..

Fortunately the pain did subside at 6:30 am , whatever it was, and I was suspicious of my appendix, given that I couldn’t specifically pin-point a direct location; the pain was generalized; it was everywhere , the entire belly area, both the stomach and the abdomen, it had spread all over and I have had a dull, nagging, dragging pain in my lower right side of my back forever and often in my lower right abdomen,too,, so it might be my kidneys, or my appendix, esp. as I also feel really gassy and like I have to do a shit…..except I don’t, which are classic with rupturing appendix, and I also had chills and just feel constipated and “full” all day even though I’m not…I would assume if it was though the pain would increase over time and get worse and not let up, so I’ll just and see and keep an eye on it. Afterall, it’s not like it’s something that would go unnoticed…. and if it is anything significant it will get worse, not better.

My arms and legs are incredibly itchy as well and I have these red scratches and purple/red “dots” and blotches where I’ve scratched it raw….just like I remember how it was before, 10 YRS ago, when I had my liver failure with my Cholestasis, so perhaps it’s maybe even my liver again, or some kind of tumour somewhere; a stomach or abdomenal cancer somewhere, or maybe just my stomach ulcer back again like I had 1-2 YRS ago, although the pain feels different( with the ulcer it felt like getting kicked in the stomach by a horse, which I actually have, so I know the feeling) and the ulcer the pain was clearly localized in the area above my belly-button….

As well, I heard Stairway To Heaven again, so now that’s 5 days in a row. Remember that prayer to God where I asked for a sign if I’m going to die soon that I hear it 3 days in a row,and I did…and now it still keeps on daily ever since…after I had my weed I also fell asleep on the couch and Buddy stood guard protectively over me the entire time, not even leaving to mooch food off people when they were eating like he always does, but stayed by my side the whole time, keeping watch, my loyal little companion. He loves me!! ♥  The 10 YR old also asked me, How come you have a ‘ special voice’ for Buddy? I didn’t even knowdid! I guess he means like who’s a good boy? Who’s my sweet little baby? Where is Budster? I suspect it must be the same voice I had for the kids when they were babies. 😀

The 22 YR old also won a silver and a bronze medal at his jiu-jitsu tournament over the weekend and I mixed it up; the 15 YR old doesn’t have her cheerleading competition until next weekend,  and my mother’s getting away alone to a motel for a weekend as well; she says she’s stressed-out and needs a break and needs some “me-time” and needs to get away but can’t afford a vacation and says I have my weed to escape but she has nothing and I guess when my hubby and I stayed overnight at the motel last week it gave her the idea and she got jealous and wanted to do it,too. I just hope she’s not planning on committing suicide or something while she’s there (swallow her pills while she’s there all alone,and so we won’t have to be the ones who find her) as that would just devastate the 10 YR old because he’s like her little pet; he’s like her coddled little lap-dog and she over-indulges, spoils , pampers, excuses, and coddles him and with her gone he would be lost.