Suffer Today is hard. After storming out of the house last night we all assumed the 18 YR old went to a friend’s house but whatever he’d texted the 20 YR old must have worried her as she was concerned and called the police who went looking for him, incl. checking at his friend’s houses in the middle of the night but he wasn’t there. As it turned out he’d just been wandering around but when it got cold he snuck back into the house and hid in his bedroom closet without telling anyone, wanting us to be scared and worried, thinking he’d run away, but the police came up and told him to come out and he refused so they threatened to go in and get him so he eventually came out and they sent him to the psych ward at the hospital.

In the meantime, I had found out that he had attacked the 14 YR old, incl. trying to punch her, and during this time he was texting the other kids, incl. the oldest( who I THOUGHT all this time had been trying to *help* him!) who egged him on, even encouraging him to tackle the police( what was he trying to do, get him SHOT?) and when he said he wanted to KILL my hubby and the 14 YR old  HE told him to kill ALL of us, the entire family, so then we’d all be gone and he wouldn’t have to worry about ANY of us! WTF? I couldn’t *BELIEVE* it! Why would he tell him something like THAT for? He obviously must have issues himself!

The 18 YR old also went on a rant and lashed out at the 20 YR old because she was worried about him and tried to help him; he was angry and called her a “bitch”, told her to go kill herself and blocked her in his text contacts, and jealous of the 16 YR old’s success and branding her “the ‘perfect’ child” told her that she “deserves to die” and told a friend to quit HER job because HE doesn’t have one! This is the worst he’s been(he must not be taking his meds?) and I hardly slept much at all last night, worrying, fearful for his safety and state of mind.Even today I’m still a nervous wreck.

HelpYourself So today my mother and I were all set to go to the hospital and visit him( my hubby and the other kids have basically all given up on him now and are fed up and don’t care anymore) when we found out that he wasn’t there anymore; he’d left, just walked out,and was now staying at a friend’s house and announced that he’s “dis-owned” all of us, the entire family, and I KNOW it’s NOT really him but the mental illness talking but it’s still hard and I don’t even know how to process it. It’s no longer safe for him to live here anymore now,either, since he threatened us and already WAS violent to the 14 YR old and it’s just so unsettling, upsetting, stressful yet what can we DO when he isn’t making any effort to get well and doesn’t want us involved in his life anymore? How can we help him when he won’t help himself? We have to let him go and I feel like I’ve lost him already….

As well, my foot seems like it might be a bit better, so probably(with MY “luck”) it’s a blood clot and it’s dislodged from my foot and travelling thru my bloodstream where it will eventually get lodged in my heart, lungs, or brain and kill me…




My Foot.

MyFoot My foot is STILL swollen and sore at the top and it’s been a week already…..and getting worse! It started getting worse on Sunday and I couldn’t wear my shoe to Church(I did wear it but took it off except for when I went up for Communion) as my foot was so swollen and sore it was too tight. I’m stumped what it might be though: it hurts so much( I’d give it a 5/10 on the pain scale but only because I have a high pain tolerance) and it actually feels like it might be broken; I can’t bear weight on it or walk on it and I limp along but I never did anything that injured it that would cause a fracture….so what does that leave? I thought possibly arthritis but it hurts way too much for that and I have arthritis in my knees and it never hurt like this.

Other possible causes could be due to my extreme fluid retention/edema maybe the swelling’s pressing on nerves and causes pain…..but it’s only on the left foot, NOT on the right foot and I can clearly see my defined ankle on my right foot too but not on the left and if it was the fluid retention BOTH feet and ankles would be swollen not just the one. Maybe I have a circulation problem or something and the blood supply is being compromised or even cut off? Perhaps I have a heart problem? Maybe I even have a blood clot? It DOES feel hot( like it would for a clot) although I was out in the sun,too, but it’s hard to say if it’s red or not due to my suntan,and the same goes for bruising.

They do have a foot care clinic here in town but I think that’s geared more for bunions, warts, orthotics,and the like, not medical issues,and there’s no use going to see Dr. Dumb-ass as it would take at least a week to get in to see him anyway and he wouldn’t even know what it is,anyway, so that just leaves the ER and I really DON’T want to spend 4-6 HRS in the waiting room, esp. if it turns out to be nothing…..shit…I’m not sure what to do. Maybe I’ll just wait a bit longer and see if it gets better on it’s own….

As well, the hospital called us back and said they looked over the 14 YR old’s X-rays and it looks like her finger just MIGHT be broken afterall and they’ll call us back tomorrow…..duuuhh…it took them THIS long to figure that out? I swear, they are sooo useless, inept,and half-assed here! There’s not much that they can do for a broken finger though,anyway.The 18 YR old and my hubby had this big fight as well and he stormed out of the house angry and now I’m worried the police will show up at our door again saying  they found him somewhere and he’d tried to kill himself again. I hate living like this, always on edge, always worried, but at the same time he can’t go around trying to kill himself every time he doesn’t get his way, or is told “no”, gets rejected, or faces a disappointment,either; he has to learn to be able to cope and to not use the threat of suicide as a tool to manipulate people to get what he wants,either, and my hubby should also be more supportive of him,too, and not give up on him and “wash” his hands of him either just because he’s “tired” of it all. It works both ways.


Which Looks Better?

Sinead1 Some people look better with long hair and others look better with it short, it all depends on their face shape, their features,and other factors. Here I have a few samples and you can decide.  Here is Sinead O’Connor with longer hair….

Sinead2……and with shorter hair, buzzed, almost bald, her signature look. I think she looks better like this,actually, as it brings out her stunning eyes. I think she looks awesome!

Angelina1 Angelina Jolie with long hair( I think looks best on her)…..She’s so beautiful!

Angelina2……and with short hair.It does nothing for her.

Katherine1 Catherine Zeta-Jones with long hair…..

Katherine2…….and shorter. I like hers better short too.(I’m partial to short hair in general)

Halle1 Halle Barry with short hair which I think looks great on her…..

Halle2….. and long hair which does nothing for her.

Miley1 Miley Cyrus in long hair….

Miley2…….and short hair.

Kaley1 Kaley Cuoco with long hair…..

Kaley2…and with it short, and I really like it like this; it’s so cute and it suits her!

MeLongHair Here’s me(in 2004) with my hair long(Gawd, I’m so ugly….I look like Tori Spelling!)….

MeShortHair……and short(in 2003)….I look better at least…I like mine better short,too.