Oh, SHIT!!

OhShit(blog) We FAILED the assessment for our insurance coverage and now we have 30-60 days to get all these costly repairs done or we won’t be able to get home insurance coverage. They want us to have the flat roof over the kitchen re-done and have the shingles on the other roof re-done( even though we just HAD some of them done last YR, and we used an insurance claim to PAY for it; it was 4000$!) and they don’t like where our dryer vent is in the kitchen and want us to move it so it blows outside…..which will be impossible when the dryer’s in the MIDDLE of the kitchen and nowhere near an exterior wall, and who’s going to do roof repairs when it’s covered in snow,plus they said we have to cover something-or-other in the basement( I’m not even sure what they mean) and clean up the mess on the first floor even though we already DID a big clean( what would they say BEFORE?”) even though as long as have KIDS we’ll have mess and clutter; it won’t be going away until the kids do, and even when we do clean it , it still always comes back!

I don’t know WHAT we’re going to DO; we’re screwed either way; there’s no way we’ll ever have the $$$$ for the repairs yet if we don’t then we have no insurance so if we ever have another fire( or some natural disaster, or get robbed or whatever) we’re just S.O.L, and my mother said we’ll just have to take out yet another loan, which will be our third in just a YR, but then we can’t afford to pay it BACK, either! They said they have a whole list of items we have to fix and they’ll be mailing us a list. I sure hope after all this that we DID infect the inspector guy with our virus; it’s the least we can do, and my mother said maybe we would have been better off just paying the 800$ increase on our other insurance company and not switched, although we don’t have the extra 800$, either. This is just soooo bad. I hate it that we have no $$$$ and are struggling so much financially. It never seems to end and I have no idea how we’ll ever find a solution for this one….

As well, our power was off for 2 HRS but have no idea why and it off for a few blocks, too, not just us, we found out in the news the 2 people who built that big underground tunnel in Toronto were just doing it as an “escape”; a “Man Cave” and not for any suspicious or criminal purposes, or so they say,anyway, my mother’s curious if one of my cousin’s might be gay as he’s in his 50’s and as far as she knows he’s never had a girlfriend and she wanted to ask another cousin when she was talking to her on the phone but was too embarrassed so I just sent her a Facebook message and asked her but haven’t got a reply yet. I really wouldn’t be surprised though and have wondered the same thing myself but I don’t care though even if he is.

I also wear plastic bags on my feet when I wear winter boots as it keeps my feet warm and dry and the 20 YR old cracks I look like I’m a “homeless person” and at 5 :30 am I accidently locked Buddy outside in the yard when I let him out to pee; I came back in and I thought he’d ran inside ahead of me like he usually does as I didn’t see him so I closed the door and went back up to bed…..but he wasn’t there and the horrifying thought came to me he might still be out there shivering in the freezing cold so I ran back downstairs to check and opened the door…..and there he was…..at the door, shivering cold, looking up at me with those big sad Dachshund eyes like he was thinking, “How could you DO this to me? You left me outside!” Words can’t even describe how I felt at that moment. I felt so bad, like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I just hope he can forgive me; I kept kissing him over and over telling him how sorry I was. I’m just glad I DID remember though and he wasn’t stuck out there or he would have froze to death and I’d never be able to live with myself if so!

“Ketchup” Post.

KetchupMarch Catching up on everything lately:

– I’ve been growing my hair out for 2 months now and it’s long enough now I can spike it up at the top and the 17 YR old calls it a “Lesbian Haircut.”

– The 17 YR old and the 7 YR old were fighting, which the 7 YR old started( as usual) but of course the 7 YR old got away with it( as always) because my mother and hubby pamper, over-indulge and spoil him and he KNOWS it too and hid behind my mother and gave his brother a big smirking grin.

– The 11 YR old set a timer so she’ll automatically send herself an e-mail in exactly a YR’s time; sending herself a letter in the future.

– One of my cousins has kidney trouble now due to his diabetes and is on dialysis and will need a transplant.

– I heard on the news some guy lost 125 pounds!If I lost that much there wouldn’t be much of me LEFT and certainly not enough to survive.

-A blog I read her cancer’s getting worse and it’s spreading everywhere: in her bones, all her vertebrae, her pancreas, etc. and it doesn’t look like she has much hope of survival now and it’s so sad as she desperately WANTS to live and keeps trying so hard, yet I DON’T want to live and wish I could die….I just wish there was some way that we could “trade”; that I could make a “deal” with God where I could somehow “exchange” my life for hers….

– I saw blood in the snow, and Buddy licks snow that’s been peed on by other dogs; like a dog version of a Sno-cone!

– I heard about someone who just moved here from Jamaica and I can’t understand WHY she’d move from a tropical paradise to a shit-hole place like THIS, and esp. in the worst of winter!She’ll soon learn what she’s heard about Canada is all just propaganda and lies.

– A neighbour put their Christmas tree out the front of their house and now there’s so much snow out there it’s completely buried and you can’t even see it anymore!

– My hubby starts his new job today and of everyone in his group at his former job he’s the ONLY one who’s been able to find work so far yet, more proof yet again that God’s always looked after us.

– I have no doubt that God’s always taken care of us, warned us, guided us, and protected us, so it makes it even extra harder for me to try and understand why I struggle so much; why despite all He’s done for us there’s still never been any respite for me. Am I being punished for something?


The Pills.

Pills(blog) So I almost killed myself last night. What happened was my family was picking on me again, always blaming me for everything, ganging up on me, bullying me, the 13 YR old yelled at me to “Shut up!”, my mother yelled to “Stop always complaining!” my hubby sneered I “Need more medication”, and the 17 YR old snickered I “act like I’m 12 YRS old and in Jr. High”, etc.  and the “reason” they always blame me is because I’M the problem and I’m tired of always being their punching bag; they hate me and blame me for my Asperger’s and Social Phobias and my limits due to it, they find me hard to live with,and say I always keep repeating myself, obsess over things, nag, always complain, am annoying, don’t listen, will always be dependent, etc. and they’re always criticizing me and I have no support or anyone on my side and I can’t take it and due to my Asperger’s and  my past of being bullied in school I’m also extra sensitive to it and it’s even worse from my own family as there’s no hope for change and I have no way out; at least in school my home was my refuge; after school, weekends, and summer but now they LIVE with me and I have nowhere to escape to to get away from the abuse. There’s no way to get away from it when my own family are the bullies!(my mother says go up to my room but that’s not enough)

I figure since they think I’m the problem if I remove myself from the equation then the problem’s solved and everyone will be happy and better off with me gone; they’ll be glad to be rid of me( although who will they kick around without me around?) and I’ll finally be out of a life I hate and away from a family that hates me and treats me like shit. Everybody wins. My hubby said he’s “tired of always hearing about it”( me wanting to kill myself) and doesn’t take me seriously or believe me,  and no one even cared to come up and check on me when I told them I had every intention of taking pills last night,either( they were probably hoping that I would and didn’t want to interfere and stop me, esp. since the way they treat me they’re the ones that push me to it) except for the 11 YR old, that is…..she DID come up to check in on me just moments before I was to swallow the pills, just as I was sitting at the side of my bed taking off my slippers( and the plan was to take off my slippers and then slip into bed, swallow the pills, lay down, go to sleep and never wake up) so she interrupted me and literally saved my life. She was really worried and upset( her eyes were watery) and she we talked and she tried to talk me out of it(“Some days are bad”, “What families DO get along?”, etc.) and made me promise not to do it and I did for that night but couldn’t forever as I don’t know the future, and for me suicide always seemed the natural way for me to die and I always felt I would end up doing eventually; it’s just a matter of when.

Lately I also feel an increasing “pull” towards dying and feel “drawn” to it,longing for the serenity and peace of Heaven, where I’ll finally feel I belong and be happy, loved, welcomed,and accepted, and even if I don’t make it and there’s only darkness and nothingness it’ll still be better than the life I have here. I went outside at night in the dark as well and looked up at the sky and the stars, up into the Heavens, pleading with God to take me but He never does, and have done “Google” searches on the best pills to take for suicide, and I have a stash of pills hidden for the purpose and found out as long as I take over 400 mg I’m guaranteed success, and even if I fail I have a back-up plan, to try again only slitting my wrists the next time. My only requests after I’m gone are that the kids continue being homeschooled and going to church,and that if they can’t treat Buddy right that they give him to Patti because I know she loves him and will take good care of him. He’s a great comfort to me as well; he could sense I was upset last night,too, and let me cry into his soft fur and he licked my face. I feel slightly better today but it’s far from over as the situation still remains. My mother also said in frustration, “What does it TAKE to make you happy? I bought you good clothes, you’ve travelled all over, and now you have Buddy, yet you’re STILL not happy? What MORE do you WANT?”

She doesn’t get it. It’s NOT about money or material goods. It’s about me and my life of always being rejected, bullied, ganged-up on,victimized, picked on, blamed, hated, being different,ostracized, depressed, criticized, traumatized, etc. How can you fix that?