Today’s Musing.



The Clock Radio.

Clockradio I have this clock radio( similar to the one pictured here) on my bedside table so I can see the time during the night and listen to the radio( the rock station of course) and around 5 am(it was still dark and I was fumbling around, half asleep) I started coughing so I reached over for a drink and my bracelet somehow got caught on the cord of the clock radio and when I jerked my arm away it went flying and landed on the floor and as I fumbled around in the dark, eyes half open, trying to pick it up I must have pushed some buttons as when I retrieved it the time was wrong and kept flashing and the radio channel was gone and it was silent…..oh, f*ck…..just great….just what I need at 5 am when I still want to go back to sleep….

So I put on my mini flashlight and tried fiddling around with it to re-set the time and the radio and it took me 30 minutes to try and figure it out and I finally got the right radio station but the sound was really low, almost non-existant and I had to hold it pressed up close to my ear to even hear it the faintest bit and the clock I couldn’t get as it uses the same buttons to set as the radio and every time I’d try to get the right time I’d lose the radio station so I just gave up on the clock and opted for the music and had my hubby take a look at it later in the day to see if he could fix it since he’s the smart one and he could probably figure it out in like under 5 minutes….

….and so he did, and in no time at all, only instead of doing it upstairs he unplugged it and brought it downstairs and so by the time I had brought it back upstairs and re-plugged it in again the time was wrong again and I still have no idea how to fix it right and he didn’t want to walk upsrairs to fix it again so it still has the wrong time flashing but at least now I have the music back and the volume is louder and I have no idea how he did it as I don’t even see a volume button on it…..but in the process he also somehow set the alarm for 4:50 am so now in the mornings I get blasted awake by this annoying beep and I have no idea how to disable it,either; I pushed the button that looks like a bell I assume is the alarm but it still keeps going off every morning. Shit……why does everythingalways have to be so hard for me all the time?

Speaking of hard and of things always going wrong and never working out for me, I thought trying to grow my sunflowers indoors would keep the seeds safe from being eaten before they could grow….but now the damn mice inside dug out and ate my new seeds so I had to try it yet again,third time, and now I have no seeds left, and this time I elevated them high up on a tall glass tower( balanced high on top of a glass vase in the windowsill as they can’t climb up glass) and put a mouse trap beside it( and I caught one of the little f*ckers today,too!!) so hopefully that will work. WTF though? Why is it so hard just to grow my sunflowers? I mean, all I want is sunflowers! Why is it so hard? My hubby said maybe it’s not meant to be…..not meant to be that I have sunflowers? really? how about more like it’s just something else that doesn’t go right for me….all I want are some sunflowers……it shouldn’t have to be that hard!

The 11 YR old also announced that he’s non-binary and I thought he meant the gender thing( and to tell you the truth I’m not even entirely sure what that term even means) and when I asked him if he even knew what that means and then he  came out with some long complicated math term! Geniuses really freak me out, and child geniuses even more so, my God…I keep seeing these black squares moving all around my computer monitor as well only I don’t know if my computer or monitor that’s the problem or if it’s my eyes, and now I found my music headphones snapped and broken into 3 pieces, obviously NOT an “accident” twice sabotaged, and the 14 YR old was impressed she met an activist who had marched on Parliament Hill thinking it was like climbing a mountain or something, like scaling Everest, and then I told her it just means attending a protest, rally, or demonstration in front of the gov’t buildings in Ottawa, like how I attended that Communist party rally when I was around 19.; it doesn’t mean that you actually marched up a hill.



Alpha1New  I saw the gastro specialist and got my test results: no blockages or scar tissue(from my gallbladder surgery) obstructing my bile ducts….but the genetic testing did come back positive: it turns out I am a carrier ( I inherited one of the defective genes from one of my parents. If I inherited two; that is, one from each, I would have a much more severe case) for the Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency, meaning my liver lacks the enzyme it needs for itself and the lungs in order for proper functioning, explaining my liver(eg. elevated enzymes, liver failure with my last pregnancy and Obstetric Cholestasis, gallbladder issues, abdomenal pain,etc.) and breathing issues and increasing risk for me to also have other related liver and lung conditions, interestingly also aneurysms, which I once had a dream was going to be my eventual cause of death: an abdomenal aortic aneurysm. The doctor said it’s also worsened by smoking( but I smoke weed rarely; I generally use the cannabis oil) and as I’m a carrier my kids have a 50% chance of also being carriers of the defective gene themselves, unless, of course, my hubby also happens to have passed on the same thing, although that’s highly unlikely as it’s fairly rare….that’s me, I’m always that rare one-out-of-a – million, unlikely statistic….

When I announced this to my mother a scowl came across her face in denial and the first words out of her mouth were a curt, Well, that must have come from your father’s side!! although the more I think about it I think it’s more likely that it actually came from her side of the family since there are several relatives on her side that have had both liver and gallbladder issues,incl. even cancers, and besides, she’s the one with the genetic issues given the inbreeding with both her grandparents and great-grandparents, both of whom married first and second cousins, so there’s also that… in any case, there’s no “cure”; just something chronic that I have to live with and I just try and manage the symptoms, such as milk thistle can ease the liver, diet(some people find wheat, gluten, or dairy-free helps them, or less gassy foods) can help with my IBS, Benadryl for the itching,etc.

This also explains why my entire life I’ve had breathing problems, get short of breath, am exerted easily, have that nagging cough,tightness in chest, etc. and this proves those gym teachers in school wrong who always accused me of just faking it, pretending I had a breathing problem when I said I can’t run around the gym or I get out of breath, dizzy and faint and will pass out…..they said it was just an excuse, and even my own family does as well and accuse me of just being fat and lazy and inventing some imaginary breathing problem as an excuse (why I can’t walk far, run up and down the stairs, do strenous stuff,etc.) but now I have validation, actual proof, a definitive diagnosis, an answer, an explanation. My hubby was happy as well less medical appt’s now too he has to drive me to because apparantly it’s such a big effort, hassle, burden, and time and effort for him to take the time to take me, even though he also takes my mother to all her appt’s and the kids to all their activities and has no problem with it….but anything for me is always such a problem….

My hubby also said he applied for another job but it’s in Ottawa so if he gets it we’d have to move closer to there so he can drive into the city there for work but due to our past trauma there we can’t live directly in Ottawa itself, but rather in another township nearby in close vicinity but not exactly in Ottawa, and besides, after the trauma we endured there I can never go back there again, let alone move back there and live there; that would certainly set back my healing and recovery and completely undo whatever progress I might have made over the years since we left. I just wouldn’t feel safe there anymore,anyway.

When I came back home after my app’t Buddy was so happy to see me as well; he always runs over and is excited but this time he was even crying when I came in the door; he was whining, running around in circles, wagging his tail furiously it was going ’round and ’round in circles like a propeller, jumping up at my legs for me to pick him up, it was so sweet and it was so nice to be missed and to be greeted like that. I know he loves me. ♥The 11 YR old said he was sad and mopey the entire time I was gone as well and just sat there on the stair landing or in front of the front door, head hung down, sulking, forlorn, waiting for me to come home.