I’m Outta Here, Suckers!

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 06.05 PM I can’t believe that tonight I’ll be in Cuba! My flight should be boarding around 4:20….ha,ha….my fave. time! My hubby says I won’t be coming back, and hopefully that’s true; I wish I didn’t have to come back, that I die peacefully on the beach, in my Happy Place, the last day of the trip, but if I don’t, at least I’ll come back a bit more refreshed and better able to deal with the stress and chaos that awaits me. He also joked I’ll be meeting with terrorists so I replied, No, with revoluntionaires!  It described my room at the resort as a deluxe balcony with terrace as well and said at the spa at the resort I can even bathe in chocolate. Oh, mercy, YES! I am soooooo ready for this!

One of the last things the 10 YR old also said to me was, Shut up you ugly mother, you and your dying dog! and that’s exactly the thing I have to get away from, and why I need a vacation and have to “recharge”. I lost my Mojo and have to get my groove back. In the fantasy book I’m writing in my head the character, after yet another failed suicide attempt, a bereft middle-age woman who is miserably unhappy, goes to a secluded Cuban paradise to find solace and solitude  also ends up finding romance where she meets her soulmate, a noble European, and she goes back with him to Europe ,starting a new life, finding happiness and love at long last, and never looks back….but in reality, in actual life, it’ll play out more like this, and all I’ll really do is spend all week at the beach, being One with the ocean, finding peace and getting away from it all for awhile(,with possibly the most “daring” thing I might do is have actual rum in a pina colada or something) only to return once again when the week is over to my unhappy, unfulfilling, stressful, pathetic life.

See you in a week! Hasta la vista! Adios, amigos!!

The Vigil.

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 08.39 AM I almost feel like I was holding a vigil last night: when I got up to pee at 3 am I checked on the 14 YR old like I always do and I saw her sit up in bed and then quickly lie back down when she saw me and then shortly after she was up in the bathroom and then locked the bedroom door behind her, raising my suspicion, fearful that maybe she had taken pills or something, on high alert, so I quickly picked the lock and went in to check on her and she said she was fine( but what else  is she going to say though? It’s not like she’d actually tell me,anyway) so for the rest of the night every half hour I kept going in to check in on her, just to make sure that she was ok, still conscious and responsive and not showing signs of OD like slipping into a coma or seizures, and she was ok, so I guess she really did just go to the bathroom, but with her history and suicide risk I can’t be too  careful and I have to be vigilant. She said it was “annoying” and I’m “obsessed” with her, but I’m just doing my job, taking care of her, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she had taken something and I just went back to sleep and didn’t keep checking and she died; I wouldn’t be able to live with that! How could someone ever have that on their conscience?

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep, or the night before from checking on Buddy,either( who still yelps in pain a few times a day) so I’m really tired and feel like a prisoner of war being sleep deprived and it seems to be Buddy’s spine giving him trouble again causing the pain, common in Dachshunds, esp. as they age, they get slipped discs and things and I remember his previous owner mentioning it and how they’d said he may need surgery but it cost 3000$ and he said he can’t afford it and was just going to put him down……we can’t afford it either( we can’t even afford veterinary care; we’re like those uninsured people in USA that can’t afford medical treatment, so we just have to wait it out,pray, and hope for the best) but I could never do that; I would never kill my best friend! I couldn’t live with myself.It’s up to God when the time of death occurs, not up to us. I’d just make him comfortable in his last days(palliative care) and love him to the end. It’s not fatal though, although he can end up paralyzed, so I’d have to carry him everywhere but if I have to I will because that’s what love does. The kids and my hubby taunt me that he’s going to die,too, just to get me upset, anxious,panicky,and to play on my fears(and now I’m scared when I come back from my trip he’ll be gone, or even that my hubby had him euthanized or something, esp. since one time when I was out of the country he sold my Pug and never told me and when I got back my dog was gone) but I hope not, I’d just be shattered, he’s the only one that loves me and if he’s gone then I have nothing to come back to. I’d lose my best friend,too. 😦

My hubby and the kids also call me a “druggie” even though I only use my medically prescribed marijuana twice a week for my migraines, so that hardly makes me a “druggie”, but they just like to use everything they can to put me down and degrade me, and at 4 am I got this sudden urge to throw up as well followed by this intense blinding headache only it wasn’t a migraine; it felt different and I wondered if I might even be having a stroke or an aneurysm so I staggered back to bed and then it went away, but I wonder what it was? Maybe it was a sudden spike in BP from stress or something even? Maybe I even have a brain tumour or something, which might also explain my seizures, memory lapses, forgetfulness, and brain “fog?” “Aunt Flow” also came last night, right in time for my trip. Doesn’t it figure? Just my “luck!”

I can’t believe I’ll be in Cuba tomorrow as well!  I wonder if this is the wonderful thing that  is about to happen like I had in that “revelation” awhile back, although I had the impression that it was something much bigger, more life-altering, although it still may be connected in some way, who knows, and I’ll soon be digging my toes in the sand, floating in the azure blue waters, laying under a palm tree and washing sea salt out of my butt crack! This will also bring it up to 36 countries that I’ve been to  and I’ve always wanted to go to Cuba, given it’s fascinating history,too. Viva la revolution!

Lilacs.

euScreen Shot 05-18-17 at 05.20 PM I got lilacs! They have always been a fave. flower( and I just love the smell!) ever since I was a kid and my Babushka and my cousins had lilac bushes. I’ve always preferred the purple ones but they also come in pink and white. I picked mine in a public area along a road so I’m not stealing off someone’s property, and this YR the best ones were on the side of the bush along where the ground slopes down, and it was really windy and I almost fell into the river plus I got lots of scratches on my arms and legs from the broken sharp branches, but I got lots of them and now the house smells so fragrant! My mother asked me if I needed scissors to cut them too and I was almost aghast; scissors are for amateurs! I am a seasoned, well-experienced lilac picker; I’ve been doing it ever since I was about 6 or 7 YRS old; I know precisely the right way to bend the branches back and then pull them off so they come off with a clean snap! I don’t need scissors! Snort.

As well, I was so worried about Buddy last night( that maybe it’s not just his arthritis, but rather something more serious, “masking” as that, being hidden, and that may even be fatal and that he’s dying from) so I didn’t sleep much last night as I kept getting up to check on him all during the night; worried I’d wake up and find him dead, but he seems a bit better today although he does still randomly yelp in pain(and the mean 10 YR old goes, Is he dying? I hope he dies!!), and it still does seem to be his bad hip, and we also had our first BBQ of the season with the long holiday weekend and all the hotdogs, buns,and corn on the cobs were all sold out everywhere so we had to go to all the grocery stores in town to find everything that we needed but we eventually got everything ok. I also had to take over BBQ’ing for a my hubby for a few minutes when he was hit with a sudden case of the shits and had to quickly run off, and the smoke hurts your eyes and when you breathe it in you cough so the solution to my problem? I put on my swim goggles. It worked.

I’m really excited for my trip as well (I’m actually a spy being “reactivated” and being sent on a mission, ha,ha) but it sort of scares me,too, as I fear with something good happening ( the trip) I fear that something bad also has to happen, as things have to be “balanced out”; if something good occurs then something bad also has to happen; if you’re given something then something also has to be taken away and it worries me that since God has given me this gift, this opportunity, this blessing, that I have to lose something or suffer some loss  in order to “compensate” for it and I fear that maybe it’ll be losing Buddy or something. I’ve always had strange thoughts like that whenever anything good ever happens…..

Speaking of Cuba, I don’t have a camera for my trip though, unless I just use the camera on my iPod to take photos( but it’ll suck up all of the battery power)  because we can’t find the battery charger ! I was just able the find the chargers for the old Nikon and Canon cameras (which we no longer have as they broke) but not the Fuji one that we need and apparantly they’re not all the same or standard and it doesn’t fit! Shit! Just my luck! My hubby also doesn’t see why I have to pay $$$$ and go away somewhere to go lay in the sun to relax when I do the exact same thing here laying in the sun for free(and the 14 YR old snapped all I do is lay on the couch and smoke weed….. actually I lay outside in the sun and smoke weed, too).but he doesn’t get it; it’s also to get away from here, from this, from them, and I he said as well that’s the reason he’s poisoning me as well; to get $$$$$ so we can move ( as my life insurance policy is for a quarter-of-a-million $$$$) then when I said, “They won’t pay if it’s murder, you know!” he smugly goes, Only if you get caught!” and I secretly hope that I die while I’m on my trip; just die there in Cuba and not come back, and at least I’ll die happy and I won’t die here…..

and all this will finally just be all over for good.

I left my body yesterday as well after weed, and found myself floating and quickly soaring along what looked like a combination of sea and sky, based on the colour and texture of it; I was soaring overheard and looking down and it was the colour of the sky and the ocean combined and had the texture of both waves and the “fluffy”-looking white clouds. It’s cool too how when I do “leave” my body that I can see in  all directions all around me too without even moving my head,and my line of sight/ vantage point is from the top of my head looking down. It really is quite an amazing experience.

Thought for the day: Ignore the haters and don’t let them break you.