The 29TH.


screen-shot-01-22-17-at-11-22-am I had a dream last night that I’m going to die on the 29th, but the problem is, the 29th of what? The 29th of this month, of January? I know it’s not going to be February (since there won’t even be 29 days in February this YR!)…or which month? Will it even be this YR? It will be interesting,though, to see what happens; if I really do end up dying on the 29th of something. (My guess would be May though as that’s always the bad luck month for us…..)

As well, Cadets did a Triathlon, and instead of the cycling part(due to the winter and snow) they do skiing and the 17 YR old was their official photographer, and 2 plumbers (I dubbed Mario and Luigi) came as well and finished the job with the clogged sink they had to replace the entire pipe as it was 20 YRS old and rotting, and they said it was just a buildup of soap that clogged the washer over time and they flushed that out,too, so now we finally have drainage once again! Yahoo!

The 13 YR old also was telling me about how there’s this 15 YR old she heard about in town that got hit by a car the same time his 14 year old girlfriend had a babyand how her mother was crowing about how proud she was of her! I told her if any of my kids had babies when they were teens I’d be embarrassed,not proud and she just shrugged and said it’s typical here in this redneck town, like what do you expect from white trash? I’d help my kid with the baby and be supportive, but I wouldn’t see being a teen mom as some sort of  goal or accomplishment or something!

I found a little toy pig on the sidewalk as I was walking as well so I scooped it up and put it in my pocket, thinking the 9 YR old will just love it! as he loves pigs like how I love hippos, but he wasn’t as happy as I’d hoped and he tossed it aside and said that I’d robbed it and stolen it….so he named it Bandit. I told him that I didn’t steal it, it was laying there in the street, all abandoned, homeless,and lost,and I picked it up and brought it home, and adopted it to be loved….but he wasn’t having any of it and it made me sad, and also because no matter how hard I try to engage him and bond it just never seems to work and he just keeps  pushing me away. He broke my heart awhile ago too when he yelled, “I hate my life because you’re in it!” I was hoping that small gesture might make him happy, might “endear” him to me, might “buy” me a few “bonus points” with him, so that maybe , just maybe, he’ll like me a bit more.I also think maybe he doesn’t want it because I gave it to him. My mother’s always been buying people to get them to like her and buying the kid’s affection for years, yet nothing works to get them to love me.know that you can’t make people like you,control them, or make them change how they feel about you,and you can’t make them nicer, or make them treat you better; all I can do is my best effort.

It’s going to snow again finally as well, after most of the snow having all melted away( it looks more like the end of March, early spring, than the end of January and the middle of winter!) and it reminded me of my childhood and brings back happy, fond memories of me and all the figure skating I did as a kid and a teen, going to the local arenas, but mostly, and my fave: my school’s yard rink.It was just a block from my house and I would walk there pretty much daily all winter after supper and on weekends, with friends, usually D, or by myself, and I esp. loved it at night, when it was dark and the lights were turned on the rink, even more so if no one else was there and I’d get the entire rink to myself (and the stories I could dream up and imagine in my head!)and the sheer unabashed feeling of pure and utter freedom. I just felt so free……like I could fly. I would glide along, twirl and spin, jump, and leap, sail thru the air, and land gracefully,racing along, with the frigid air nipping at my face and feeling my  cold frozen breath. I felt like I was in a dreamland and anything was possible.. I wish I could get that feeling back.



The Drain.

screen-shot-01-21-17-at-11-29-am For the past 4 days our kitchen sink hadn’t been draining so my hubby  used the Drano and the Liquid Plumber and shoved his “snake” thing down the drain to try and unclog it but to no avail. It got soooo bad that it wouldn’t even drain at all and we weren’t able to wash any dishes and have to eat all our meals on paper plates and using plastic utensils. My mother asked him if it was still safe to use the washing machine( which is also in the kitchen) or if it uses the same drain and he said it was fine.

It wasn’t.

We attempted to put a load of washing thru…..and as it tried to drain it flooded the kitchen floor! Ooops! It looks like it does use the same drain afterall. My hubby told me to use the wet/dry vac(and then the 22 YR old finished it off when I put my back out) to clean it up (probably because he was hoping that I’d end up electrocuting myself; water+electricticy=trouble, esp. since he figures I’m dumb and I’d probably do something stupid and end up electrocuting myself, but I didn’t) and then said we had to call a plumber even though it’s yet another expense that we can’t afford and he said to “take it from savings”…..except we don’t have any “savings” and can hardly even pay our bills, and when I told him my mother has to take out another loan to pay the property taxes he shrugged, “Then she can take out another loan for the plumber!” He’s just so…..clueless!

We ended up having to call a plumber anyway, money or not, as now not only can we not do dishes, now we can’t do laundry, either, and now we don’t have any clean dry towels for baths or showers, so he came and he found some straws and even 3 knives down the kitchen sink drain and said he has to replace part of the pipe that’s broken so he still has to come back again tomorrow( so it’s still not fixed!) with the part and he’s still not done looking at it,either, as it still doesn’t explain why the washer’s clogged, and I wonder if maybe there’s even some dead mice in there or maybe even a sewage problem as lately when we do the washer it does reek like sewage….so in the meantime we’ll have to go to the laundromat to do some laundry and my hubby’s going to have to find some $$$$ and pay the plumber. I can’t believe our constant bad luck, it’s just one thing after another, it just never ends,everything we have is a piece of shit, and all these expenses that we just don’t have the $$$$ for.

As well, the 22 YR old’s GF doesn’t go back home today like I originally thought (that’s what my mother told me but it was incorrect and I was misinformed) she doesn’t go back until next  week, and for her birthday the 22 YR old got her this cool candle that when it melts has a hidden surprise necklace in it!(I think that’s just so cool!) and I had a dream that I met Fidel Castro as well and I was sitting next to him in a plane and then we jumped out of it, as in skydiving, plus another dream I moved back to my old Toronto house( which I’ve been having alot lately) and in this one when I moved back  I’d noticed that the badminton birdies were still up on the roof even after all these YRS!



screen-shot-01-21-17-at-08-49-am I saw a

Scottish guy on TV the other day  and I was loving his accent and it reminded me of when I was in Scotland 12 YRS ago. I was in Glasgow, Greenock,and Edinburgh. I esp. loved Edinburgh, it’s such a beautiful old city. I could even see myself living there, and I just love the Scottish accent; I just can’t get enough of it and I could listen to it all day! I just loved it in Scotland how everyone talked liked that no matter where you went; they all had that same cool accent, in the stores, in the streets, adults, kids, absolutely everyone yet they wouldn’t have thought anything of it because they all talked like that and to them it was just normal and they probably thought that we had the accent! Scottish and Australian are my fave. accents, and I used to hate bagpipes when I was a kid,too, but now I like them, and it still always makes me laugh as well the saying, “If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!” Such a beautiful country.

As well, I couldn’t find Buddy and it turned out that the kids were hiding him in their room, he was like a hostage, and when the 15 YR old was busy texting someone and my mother needed her for something she huffed, “I take priority over him!” and it made me think, “I don’t take priority over anyone; I’m always the least important, the one that doesn’t matter and that always comes last, and it still hurts and is disappointing too that nothing was done to mark my milestone 50th birthday,either; no one cared, yet when my mother turned 50 I’d hired a limo for her and her best friend and had a company come during the night and place 100 or so pink flamingoes all over the lawn to surprise her but I guess my family thought I’m not worth the bother.

I also finally got a hold of someone at the medical marijuana producer, I was able to cancel the extra orders that were added by mistake so now only one order was charged and only one order will be shipped, and yesterday was the 22 YR old’s GF’s birthday and tomorrow she goes back home to California already. I wish I could go away somewhere,too, anywhere but here; just hop on a plane and go.


screen-shot-01-21-17-at-06-47-pm I also have to walk to church and back later today because my hubby’s playing cards all day and couldn’t be bothered to be back in time to drive me and my concern is what if I have a seizure while I’m alone and walking and no one’s there to help me? He just snorted, “Then you’ll collapse on the road and get run over by a car!” and he got mad and bawled me out as well with the chocolates when I took a hazelnut one as everyone else like those ones, too,and he told me to take another kind, something that no one else likes, as if all I deserve is the inferior stuff,and when I didn’t he sneered I’m “selfish” and it was my “usual character” so I told him to f*ck off and replied, “Hasn’t it occurred to you that maybe I like the hazelnut ones, too?” He’s such an asshole and he always treats me like shit; I threw my life away with him which I regret, and whenever I mention it my mother never supports me or takes my side either and says things like, “Don’t you think that you’ve ruined his life,too?” and “You’re ‘lucky’ to have him; no one else would put up with you!”….gee…..”thanx” for the support…..and then she wonders why I feel the way I do about her.…gee…….I wonder why? Sometimes I’m not even sure who treats me worse…..him….or her…..?