I am a Green-eyed Monster!!

Today I saw some teenagers walk by the house and a feeling of sad envy swept over me: I wish I was them; now I’m in my 40’s I suddenly feel really OLD, and am having a hard time dealing with the weight gain, grey hairs, failing memory, and declining sight and hearing. I wish I was a teenager again; I wish,like them, I was young and still had my entire  life ahead of me to be happy. I am really struggling with this aging thing and I miss youth, when I had hopes and dreams for the future, when I was thin and people didn’t call me “Ma’am”. I am seriously bummed-out and I’m only 42. Imagine how much worse it’ll get as I get into my 50’s,60’s and beyond? My hubby and kids don’t help matters either by always calling me “old” and cracking jokes at my expense. Is it really this hard for EVERYONE? I never WAS pretty but I WAS young, at least I had that….now I don’t even have that anymore.I feel all washed up,and it seems to be the ability to have babies is behind me now,too,making me feel even OLDER and dried-up.It’s an identity crisis! I feel like a tomato: a fruit that THINKS it’s a vegetable and looks and acts like a vegetable. I still FEEL like I did when I was a teen, but my betraying body tells me otherwise!

Live life forward,not in reverse!

Live life forward,not in reverse. A good motto, right? Yes, yet I still somehow have such a hard time trying to live it in my own life! I find myself always going “back” to the past; reliving and rehashing over past regrets, missed opportunities, wrong choices, mistakes,and unfulfilled dreams and hopes but it gets me nowhere except even more depressed! You can’t “un-do” the past; what’s done is done. I do enjoy however, remembering HAPPY past memories, yet thinking “What if…?” and wishing I had said or done things differently or made another choice or different decision is pointless. Satan likes to fill us with discouragement, regret, guilt, defeat,and going back and being haunted by the past and past deeds. If I could go back and re-live my life over again I would actually change pretty much  almost all of it, and I DO carry regrets and guilt, I would have done things differently and I do wish things were different and had turned out differently in some cases, but God(and time) is the ultimate healer and there’s no use in going back;you can’t “take back” what you said or did(or what you DIDN’T say and DIDN’T do!)and you can’t undo the emotional harm your life inflicted upon you, you can only try to forgive and forget,and heal, so why keep torturing yourself? Sometimes though it’s even harder to forgive yourself for past wrongs than it was for God to forgive you! I have so many regrets and lost opportunities,and missed out on so much  in my life I would surely change if I could….but I can’t, so I have to just let it go and move on…and to let God..