Black Dog.

The “Black Dog” is back; my depression is back, full-force again.I am so weary, beaten-down and tired of always struggling and being devalued and made to feel like i’m worthless and nothing. I am grasping on with both hands but it would be so easy to just let go. Our first day of school was a bust: I struggle so much with the math and it’s so frustrating and makes me feel so dumb.I hate it but I endure as it’s best for the kids. A book in a series I am reading also came in(I have been  eagerly waiting 6 months for it) and my hubby won’t go into the city to get it; I’m not worth the effort. I am also tired of always being disrespected, of coming “last” in life, of my cruel ,critical and hateful mother always belittling me, of my uncaring husband always disregarding me(he even dismisses and mocks my breathing problem) and now he’s even attacking my faith and chipping away at the only thing I have; he smirks the church is “corrupt” and I told him even if PEOPLE sin the DOCTRINE is still true and we have to hold on to that, and when I tried to get some emotional support for the way I’m feeling he attacked me MORE; blaming me,turning it “around” onto me, and brushed it off as me just “mad I didn’t get what I want”,and of just  “having a bad day” when really it’s so much more; it’s 42 years of suffering built up, reaching a breaking-point,and I can’t do it anymore. I am drained and spent.I have no supprt or love, no self-esteem,and am alwas being dumped on, and made to feel like I’m worthless and don’t matter. I even feel like an “outsider” in my own family.Everything is always so hard for me; such a struggle all the time, and I can’t keep doing this. I dream of running away to the life I never had; to be loved and happy, to not always hurt and feel so alone and bereft.I want to leave, yet have no place to GO and no $$$. I feel the darkness creeping in, the despair, the desperation and hopelessness. I know Satan has snuck into my soul, beating me down, telling me I’m a failure and no one loves me. I have to cling to my faith and my God even more. It’s all I have,and I pray desperately for Him to throw me a life-preserver. I once read an account of a man’s struggle in life as him “grasping onto the grass with both hands.” This is exactly how I feel. I feel like a styrofoam cup, bobbing along in the vast ocean; adrift, aimless, struggling to keep my head above water. God is near to the brokenhearted; to those in despair..and the weaker I get the stronger my faith gets!!.

Aren’t we off to a great start already?

Today we’re back to homeschooling and off to a “great” start already; the grade 3 and grade 6 curriculum was missing, so I prayed to St. Anthony who directed me to where they were, but we  still can’t find any pencils now, either. This is my typical scenario. Then the computers were down(we do some work on CD ROM as well as written in workbooks) and it was the stupid router AGAIN(and of course when my husband wasn’t here to help; things always go wrong and break when he’s not here to fix them!)and to top it all off, when I commented I hope I don’t get burned-out in the first week, my spiteful mother smirked,”*I* don’t GET burned-out!” (I replied, “YOU’RE ‘perfect’ and don’t get burned-out or stressed-out; only failures like ME do!”) insinuating I’m a “lesser” person and incapable; repeating a “dance” we have been doing for years, with her being cruel and hateful, belittling me every chance she gets with her hurtful critical comments, cutting me down, chipping away at my shattered self-esteem more and more. What a way to start off the new school year. I’m bummed out before it even started. I seriously dream of running away to the life I never had…