I think my head will explode!!

Today has been a rough day. I spent most of it laying down in fact,and even went to bed and had a nap. I have been plagued with debilitating headaches for as long as I can remember, only they have been getting worse lately, both in severity and in length; often lasting for days on end. They take alot out of me and are physically draining; I get sleepy and nauseated to my stomach, and so dizzy I lose my balance. It started again yest. and worsened and this morning when I woke up so bad I actually barfed; twice; when I woke up and then a bigger one 2 hours later. Now it is evening it seems to be letting up and I was able to eat and sit up. It feels like ice-picks in my skull and like my head will explode. I think I might have a brain tumour and in fact, almost went to the ER today it got so unbearable(and vomiting upon waking with a severe headache is a “classic” brain tumour symptom!) but I couldn’t even sit up and didn’t feel like sitting there for 6 hours so I just went to bed, but if it doesn’t get better(or if worsens even more) over the next 1-2 days I’ll go. I also have forgetfulness, difficulty finding the right words, and even using the wrong word and many cases, the OPPOSITE word,and typing reverse letters, which are also signs of a tumour.It’s not the flu though as I don’t have a fever or sore muscles. Needless to say, it’s been a bad day….Ugh.

My “Cross to bear”.

In Mass on Sunday the priest spoke on our “Cross to bear”, that is, hardships or “handicaps” in life that make us miserable and that we struggle with, comparable to Christ as He carried His Cross.They purify us spiritually and help us to “grow” in our faith.They make us stronger. It got me thinking; I don’t just have 1 or 2 afflictions….I have MANY; it seems my whole LIFE is one BIG Cross to bear! Between being ugly( my main one; a hindrance which negatively impacts my entire life and hinders me), my Social Phobia, depression,crippling headaches that immobilize me for days on end, anxieties and worries, breathing problem, and emotional damage caused by a life of rejection,scorn , ridicule, ostracization, no love or support, strained and “toxic” family relationships, and no self-esteem,I am life-challenged and every day for me is a struggle. It takes all my energy just merely trying to SURVIVE; and I am so beaten-down, broken and defeated by life and all the neverending and constant  unendurable tragedies I have had(our son having cancer and our house burning down are only 2 such examples) I keep getting knocked down and barely have time to recover and I’m hit  back down again with another; I have so much adversity,hardship ,stress, limits, and set-backs in life! EVERYTHING is a “Cross” to me….but the good news is JESUS suffered much of what I do; He KNOWS what loneliness and isolation and rejection and persecution FEELS like; He’s BEEN there! All this suffering brings me even closer to Him and to Heaven, and the Bible promises the more suffering in life, the greater the reward in Heaven, so I must be getting a really BIG one! 🙂