I enjoy hearing kids outside at recess, laughing, having fun and playing; it reminds me of my happy childhood; as a kid I was happy, despite not knowing my dad, hardly ever seeing my mom,being a lonely only child,and molested by a relative; I liked my school, I had friends and I was happy, esp. compared to my teen and adult years!At least, that is, until grade 7 and the merciless bullying started, lasting for years, and forever changed my life; from that moment on I became like the “Untouchables” in India; an outcast, on the outside looking in,excluded, inferior, reviled and ostracized, and “normal” people(with “normal” happy lives) were always out of my league and I was held back, limited, and left out of life, merely running on survival mode.My daily life was a mere existance to try to tolerate and survive.
To top it off, and this is hard for me to write, but I think it needs to be said(or at least I need to “release” it) there’s no way around it, but my mother hates me as well; as a kid she farmed me off to daycare from age 6 weeks to 11 years(and then she just left me home alone to fend for myself, so I essentially raised myself for the most part) and even now I’m an adult she’s hateful, mean, spiteful, vengeful, hurtful, bossy, controlling, meddling, interferes, over-steps boundaries with my kids and over-rules and undermines me and my authority over them.She always jumps at the chance to make me look bad, to prove me wrong, to cut me down and to dig in cutting digs,cruel and nasty comments and remarks, and shows no love or support; only ridicule, criticism and blame.I can’t understand WHY she’s so mean and hates me so much; did she not want a kid and regrets she had me? Is she resentful she’s a single mother(or is it personal and she just hates me?) although I can see WHY my father left her(she’s a hard person to love and impossible to live with!) or am I simply just a worthless nothing that even my own mother can’t love me? These are questions I ask myself all the time, and yet despite my life of rejection, hardship, emotional pain, depression, bad luck,and traumas I have always had a strong faith and love of God(that my mother also demeans and devalues as well) and immense love of the Lord; I am a sorrowful struggling and suffering soul, but I have comfort in knowing God loves me just as I am,emotionally damaged and unloved and all; He loves me even when it feels like no one else does and He heals my brokenness and eases my pain.I am like a broken vessel God puts together one piece at a time, but the “cracks” will still always remain, yet He sees hope, promise and potential in me and isn’t finished with me yet; I struggle to overcome my painful past and my ongoing “toxic” relationship with my mother, I am not alone for He is with me.