Once upon a time….

Once upon a time I had a friend I admired in every way and I wanted to be her. She seemed to have everything I lacked( and I always wondered why she even liked me and WAS my friend): she has always been pretty, had plenty of money, fit into any crowd and made friends easily, wasn’t bullied or teased, and boys liked her.She was always happy-go-lucky and never had the worries and fears that always consumed me(and still do.) Nothing ever seemed to bother her and she was always so calm and looked on the bright side. She was everything I was,and still am, not.I had always admired her and wished I was her. I tried to imitate her and mould my own personality after hers.I wanted my hair like hers and to dress like her. Once I even tried to copy her laugh. I wanted to be her.Then, we grew up and everything changed. We were apart for many years,only to reconnect recently as adults in our 40’s. She’s still pretty and she still has money…..but that’s it. She has changed in other ways I find morally unclean, such as smoking, and drinking.She is no longer the same person I knew and liked. She is alone and never got married or had any kids. She is alone with no family, just her dogs.Now it seems there was nothing to envy afterall as now it would seem *I* am the more fortunate one; I am still ugly, fat, not well liked, have self-esteem and anxiety issues and will never be rich,nor can I ever “erase” all the trauma and misfortune I’ve endured in life…..but I DO have a family. I have a husband and 11 kids. I am not growing old all alone. It just goes to show that the pretty, popular ones do not necessarily always have it the best in life, with things that really matter. I would NOT want to “trade” my life for hers now; I feel sad for her, being all alone(and she does WANT to have kids) and although I still do like her, things are not the same and we have nothing in common anymore.In the end all she does is work,makes money, thinks about making money, and then  goes home alone to an empty house.I have a “richer” life and I will never be alone or go home to an empty house.I will always have someone nearby. I will never be pretty or rich,and I will never “like” myself, but I will also never be alone,and now at least, to me, THAT is more “envious” and preferable than her lonely alternative.Maybe now she wishes she had MY life,and even if she doesn’t, I no longer wish I had hers or was her.I still don’t like myself or my life but hers no longer seems better.