Broken hearted me.

Well, my mother has finally admitted what I knew all along: she said she doesn’t love me(and never did.) then she as always, twisted it around onto me and  tried to “justify” it. I mean, what sort of mother SAYS that to her child? Even if she doesn’t love the child, you never actually TELL it to their face; you might think it and feel it in secret, but you don’t tell them; that’s just beyond cruel.She’s always been hateful and nasty so I’m not surprised and I suspected as much all along(based on the way she treats me) but it’s still very hurtful, shattering and destructive. Physical scars eventually go away but emotional scars remain forever and do the most long-term damage. She also has no idea why I am hurting so much emotionally and snapped,”You’re married and have a family; that’s what you wanted!” as if that alone somehow “disqualifies” me from ever being unhappy; that love and support somehow aren’t vital to my emotional health, well-being and happiness. She refuses to see her role in it,either; everything’s always MY fault; it’s even my fault she can’t love me. I feel like such a failure in everything; as a mother, as a person,and in life. As a kid she only ever bought” me; bought me everything materially so I’d “like” her(a feeble attempt to “make up” for the fact that I never saw her and that she never loved me or spent time with me or showed me affection or attention; “buying” my loyalty and love)) and she sneered, “and you LOVED it!” but the truth is, I didn’t. It was just a mere replacement; to fill the empty void, but it didn’t work; I much would have rather preferred HER and her time, but no matter how hard I tried she couldn’t love me,and I have gone thru life always feeling rejected, unwanted, unloved and worthless. She mocks my anxieties, depression, and low self-esteem as well, failing to see how greatly she(and her mistreatment and emotional abuse) has contributed to it.I never have any support or validation from her.She doesn’t even think I have the “right” to even  BE mad, hurt, or to feel unhappy.She just doesn’t see it and doesn’t “get”it. She is so “toxic” to me and I  just can’t understand why she hates me so much and even now is sabotaging my relationship with my own kids; always meddling, interfering, over-ruling and undermining me and my discipline and authority over them, and when the 12 YR old called me “stupid” and the 15 YR old said I’m “incompetent and inept”(copying how they see HER treat me) she dismissed it and snarked it’s “just stating their opinion.” She wonders why I got so upset and mad as well and she was mad I punished them(lost allowance), and clucked SHE wouldn’t have ….and I reminded her that they don’t call HER names like that, either! I am just so defeated, broken, and shattered. Why do I even bother; all this, and for what?Why do I keep doing this? I never “get” anywhere and it never does any good; she will NEVER love me, and my own kids don’t even respect or obey me thanx to her over stepping boundaries and sabotaging. She also gets really mad when I punish the kids SHE likes and she hates the one that’s closest to me for the sole reason that she loves ME; and she doesn’t want ANYONE to love me,and if they do, she will make their life a living hell(like she makes mine) that’s just the way she is; she’s spiteful,vengeful, and mean and I can’t take any more of her; something’s going to give and I’m barely holding on here…