Baby envy.

I know of a few people who are pregnant(incl. my cousin’s wife) and I have been feeling a case of baby envy lately, even though I also know that it’s best for me now that my baby-making days are over, esp. given my age(I’m 43), the complications(Obstetric Cholestasis) I had with my last baby 3 years ago, and the fact that physically and emotionally I’m just NOT “up” for another baby anymore; I just couldn’t handle the demand anymore and it is too high risk as well,given my complications,and the high chance of Down Syndrome,etc. with my age.Not to mention the exhaustion of nursing and getting up during the night for feedings, and the anxiety and worry that always goes along with having a baby, and the numerous trips for immunizations,etc.it’s just all too much now. I still have nostalgic memories of being prego though and the wonderful newborn period(even though my labours aren’t so great!) and I miss the fact that I will never experience it ever again. It was a big part of who I am and how I defined myself,and I was practically ALWAYS either prego for nursing for the most part of 18 years! My oldest will be 21 this year and I honestly don’t know what to “do” with myself now it’s over and I still feel a twinge of sad envy when I hear or see others that can still have babies, that still have it ahead of them and for me it’s over now. I feel like a dried up withered old plant,and it makes me feel old and “broken”.It was a big part of my life,and my identity and now it’s gone.It feels “empty” now,like the end of an era. I HAVE accepted that chapter in my life is over now and it’s for the best and I’m better off like this, but it’s still sad to see something you’ve loved and enjoyed and that was a big part of your life come to an end but nothing lasts forever and everything has to come to an end eventually,so now when I see “pregos” and babies instead of thinking what I’m missing, I concentrate on all the other things I’ll no longer have to WORRY about,so it takes the sting out of it a bit and makes the loss a bit easier to bear.