The Elite Club.

I have suffered from depression for so long now when I think of other people that are happy and that actually LIKE themselves and their lives it feels like they are all members of an elite exclusive club that I’m not invited to.It’s been so long that I can’t even really remember what it feels like to BE happy(I’ve had happy moments but it’s not the same thing) and my life is filled with constant fear, worry, anxiety and stress, it feels like I’m falling apart and having a breakdown. I have toxic people in my life, “stains” that I just can’t get rid of, what seems to be a curse of bad luck, extreme traumas and hardships,misfortune, bad things always happening to me, I’ve been bullied and victimized, have no self-esteem, and even now have no support and feel so immensely alone and intense despair. I even feel like a stranger in my own family; always on the outside looking in.It’s like the rest of the world got a memo that I missed out on, or that I lack a “happiness gene” and am one of those people who just can’t, and isn’t meant, to be , happy. It eludes me and is always beyond my reach.Combine that all with extreme Social Phobia and a myriad of other medical problems and emotional damage and it is a recipe for disaster, for retreating from the world, from everything and everyone, withdrawing even more into myself; crawling inside myself ,just wanting to disappear, to be someone else, anyone else,and to “trade” my life. I feel it all building up to a breaking point, like I am self-destructing and don’t know how much longer I can go on. My world is a very dark place.Everything is grey and flat and one dimensional.I get so overwhelmed with anxiety and worry(no wonder I have high BP!) it keeps me up nights,manifests itself in physical ailments,and  I tremble,and have this hollow, raw, sick, twisting feeling in my stomach,always on edge and nervous, fearful,and panicky. It’s like I’m always waiting for the “other shoe” to fall; knowing it’s around the corner, lurking, just waiting to hit. Once the worst has already happened you know how easily it can happen again.For once, I wish I had a membership to that elite club. I wish I knew what “normal” felt like; I wish I could be happy and feel safe again.