The Demon of Fear.

Of all my demons I have to battle on a daily basis, the demon of fear is my worst and the hardest to fight. I am always consumed with such fear, anxiety and worry it takes over my life and cripples me emotionally. My life and all the immense traumas I have endured has damaged me and given me PTSD 3 times and as a result I am unable to settle back into “normal” life and adapt afterwards. I am always left with fear lurking around every corner, waiting to pounce, like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, fearing a repeat,and once the worst has already happened you know how easily it can happen again. I worry that our enemy will return and endanger us again, that we’ll have another fire, and that our son’s cancer will relapse. Fear takes a tight hold on me and refuses to let go.I don’t know what it feels like to feel calm, safe, secure,settled,at ease,relaxed, at peace and not always on edge and just waiting for the next thing to hit.I KNOW bad things always happen to us, and just when things seem to be looking up we’re always  hit with yet another misfortune and we’re knocked right back down again; I KNOW it’s always  coming…

Next month our son has his every 6 month app’t at the oncologist and even though things should be fine(and there’s been no sign of relapse) I still can’t shake that nagging fear that the cancer will return; it’s always there, hanging over me, following me, always in the back of my mind. Now we denote time as “before cancer” and “after cancer”; it has re-defined us and our lives. It has shattered our lives and we will never be the same,our lives will never go back to the way they once were, and we have been changed forever,and the possibility of it’s return is always there, looming over our heads, never leaving us alone. I am afraid that when he goes to the clinic in Sept. that the same thing will happen to him that happened to another girl there: she went for her app’t and(just like him) was right at the point where the app’ts were to go to once a year….but something showed up in her bloodwork(despite no symptoms) and she had indeed relapsed, shattering their world and their hopes once again, and she was now back to once again  going 1-2 times a week. I can’t shake this fear and it consumes me and sucks the life out of me.