One of my biggest burdens I carry in life is worry(as well as anxiety, fear,and depression.) Our son’s oncologist app’t is this week and the unsettledness, and fear is creeping in, the doubtful fears of uncertainty and dread; what if THIS is the time the blood work comes back abnormal signalling a relapse of the leukemia? It’s been 5 YRS since he was diagnosed(when he was 7) and has been in remission after 2 1/2 YRS of treatment, but there’s always a chance it can return and every time he gets a bruise, a fever, a nosebleed,feels sick, is pale, or has what looks like either low platelet marks or rug burns I get all wrapped up in fear the cancer’s back. It’s this dark cloud always hanging over our heads, follwing us, and always on edge wondering if it might return and if each app’t is the one that we will discover he’s relapsed. He doesn’t feel sick and still has a good appetite and we have no LOGICAL reason to fear it’s back, but he didn’t have the usual symptoms BEFORE,either. It’s always such a deep sigh of relief when the app’t’s over and the labwork comes back normal but until then I am apprensive and worried, esp. that day WAITING for the results to be in from the lab; holding my breath, with fearful thoughts swirling in my head and breathless with anticipation and worry,cold and clammy with fear, worry and dread,knots in my stomach and sick to my stomach; that raw, sick feeling of dread and fear.Of course I hope and pray everything is fine(my life has taught me to HOPE for the best but to EXPECT the worst), but this fear dwells in the back of my head and resurfaces full-force as an app’t nears, worried we’ll hear the news we’ve been dreading;that it could be the day our world all falls in again, our lives change and are on hold,the burden and disruption it brings, the fearful outcome we all try not to think about, and the unsettled uncertainty and restless nagging worry and fear that comes with it and that never goes aaway.
As well, the 3 YR old has a lot of peach-color dry, scaly blotches over his chest,neck and back that looks like exzema, so he must have an allergy to something he ate recently,and he also has a runny nose and a cough. There is always something to get me all worked up and worried about.My hubby makes fun of me for it(and my son says “that can’t be healthy” )but I don’t CHOOSE it or WANT it; it just consumes me and takes over, fear gripping me tighter and tighter, choking the life out of me. I WISH it would end and let up and give me a break but it never does. It enslaves and overpowers me.If I had a choice I would choose to NOT have it ensnare me. Would you please pray for us?