We FINALLY Got Our New Washing Machine and Dryer!

We FINALLY got our new washing machine and dryer, after looking at EVERY store both here in town and the next town! We got the 2 of them for 1400$ and saved 500$ and get free delivery. We got Whirlpool brand and it’s a silver/grey colour. They don’t deliver them until Tuesday though with the stupid holidays; I HATE holidays; it slows everything down! I just hope with our luck nothing goes wrong, like the other time we got an industrial-sized super capacity washer…but it wouldn’t fit thru our narrow doorways and we had to exchange it….

As well, the kids are feeling better now(except the 16 YR old’s stomach feels queasy) but now I’M sick; headache, sore neck,ears and throat, fever and chills,dizzy,and feel yucky and have to spend most of the time laying down. I tried to nap as well but my muscles ,head,and ears hurt too much for me to be able to.At least my stomach is ok, for now,anyway…

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Stay-at-home Moms and Homeschooling.

I have been accused of “sheltering” my kids from the world,and if they mean sheltering them from an ungodly, sinful, immoral, Politically Correct(but morally incorrect) secular world of ungodliness and violence, then, yes, I have, and I’m proud of it! It’s my JOB to keep my kids safe, godly, free from worldliness, immorality, sin, from Enviro indoctrination, violence,anti-God, anti-family,anti-life, and anti-faith views, and if they also “miss” out on certain things along the way as a result then so be it; that’s just the way it has to be. The main thing is to raise godly, righteous kids that shun the corruption and immorality of the world, so that they have high moral standards and make it to Heaven, avoiding worldliness and a “tolerant” “anything goes” attitude. This is what’s most important.They need to be protected from evil.

As well, I am being hassled by my hubby and mother about never agrreing moms should work outside of the home or send their kids to public school. Not surprising about her since she DID farm me off to daycare from age 6 weeks and public school where I was outcast and bullied, triggering my Social Phobia and emotional trauma and life-long damage as a result and growing up never being loved or learning how to love, not bonding with my parents…but I’m surprised at him; he USED to agree with me but somewhere along the way seems to have “lost” his family values! Moms belong home with their kids, period. Why even HAVE kids if you can’t even be bothered to be  there for them and send them out for strangers to raise or to be indoctrinated by the State? That happened to me and it’s one of my biggest regrets and damaged me. Anyone can stay home with their kids, and homeschool, and survive on one salary. It all comes down to priorities and what’s most important; if you care enough about your kids you’ll find a way to make it work; anyone can do it; you just have to sacrifice, and that may mean no vacations, used clothing, buying groceries reduced, having only one used car, etc. but what’s best for the KIDS is what’s most important; NOT careers or material things. I even know single mothers who stay at home and still manage to homeschool.If it’s important enough anyone can do it.It’s just easier to send the kids off and not have to bother, but it’s not right, it’s not fulfilling your responsibility as a parent to raise your own kids, it’s not healthy for the kids,and it’s not right.

Even if I ended up a widow and on my own I still wouldn’t go out to work or send my kids off to public school as I know it’s not good for them. I would rather live in a small cramped apartment and be on welfare than to have my family separated and destroyed.If I wasn’t home raising my kids, and if they were sent to daycare or public school it would damage them so beyond repair,and fracture our family, like what happened to me and I would NEVER let that happen no matter what, because their well-being is what matters most and I’d do whatever I have to to ensure their well-being and that would still never change, even if our circumstances would; I believe in it that much.Family values are that important to me.

The world brainwashes moms into thinking they can have the career and the family…but at what price? The kids grow up hardly ever seeing their mother, and don’t learn proper attachments, how to bond, how to love, how to feel safe, secure and nurtured,and feel abandoned, unwanted, a burden and least in priority, with career and the almighty dollar having more values than them and family time. Why even have kids if you’re too selfish, too lazy, or too materialistic to even stay home with them? If you love your kids and want what’s best for them you’d give them time, which matters most,and why would you send them off to immoral public schools, rife with violence and ungodliness, not to mention the propaganda and indoctrination,and the poor quality education?

I will never change or back down on my strong opinions and beliefs on this.Moms staying home and homeschooling is best for kids in all ways and it keeps them safe, secure, loved, well-educated,and shielded from an ungodly secular influence, so if I am guilty of “sheltering” my kids it is only because I know what’s best for them and want to protect ,provide,nourish and build up their spiritual, moral, and academic potential and progress, and you can’t do that if you send them off to be raised and educated by strangers. It DOESN’T “take a village to raise a child”; it takes two parents and the mother should be home with them!

The House of Sick.

It never fails; someone is ALWAYS sick over holidays!(At Easter we all had the Flu) and even though we all were  just sick the first week of Dec. here we are once AGAIN; at Christmas hubby was the first to get sick: fever, chills, headache, barfing and cough.Now 4 of the kids are sick as well; the oldest(who takes the train back later today as well; bad timing!) and the 3 youngest. They are just laying around sleeping  all day and feel miserable and yucky. Barfing, fever, headache, sore throat,cough and runny noses.As well my throat feels “scratchy” and I have to keep swallowing, like there’s a hairball stuck in there, I have a headache(although I usually do so you can’t just go by that!) extra tired(I’m always run down and fatigued, now only more so) and my nose is starting to run so it’s just starting. Needless to say it’s been quiet around here for the past few days,and each day more and more of us “drop off” like flies…until we’re all down! 😦

Scapegoat.

I have always been a scapegoat. I think my purpose in life is to victimized and bullied. I have been unloved, rejected,ridiculed, ostracized,and bullied my whole life, even by my own family.I was never depressed as a kid(it started at 13 along with my Social Phobia), but always had an anxiety and was always worried and nervous but after years of being stomped on and several traumas it has made me more fragile and broken beyond repair, but the worst is now even my own FAMILY mistreats me:

The kids call me names like “stupid”, “ugly”, “fat”, “worthless”, “useless dog”, “failure””too stupid to understand anything”, “need to lose weight”etc. you get the idea. I am always the least important and the last on the list of priorities and feel like I am a burden and inconvenience to merely be tolerated. I am always last,and mistreated, such as my meddling overbearing mother always over-ruling and undermining me, taking cheap “shots” at me,being cruel and hateful, such as sneering I “don’t forgive and forget” since I still don’t like Wilson or give it treats due to it’s aggression(it still growls and bites me and I’ve had enough) and jeering  I  don’t have the “right” to BE depressed and to hate myself and my life when I “HAD kids and travelled like I wanted and I’m STILL not happy? What “more” do I want?” but no one understands how much I struggle, how hard everything is for me and how hard life is when you’re ugly(and how limited you are and don’t have many choices or opportunities and miss out on so much and how no self-esteem is very devastating),and how damaging it( on top of all my many traumas I’ve endured as well) is,and when the 3 YR old copies how others treat me and even he kicks, bites, mouths-off, does the “Up Yours!”, head-butts me sticks out his tongue at me,, etc. and I punish him she’d soothe and coddle him and tell him how “mean” I am and that I “hate” him,and even my friends validate me and  say she’s “useless baggage” I should “drop off at the nearest bus station”, she “destroys my soul” and that she’s a bad mother,evil bitch,, treats me horribly and we should kick her out,and even my cousin says she should know her place and stop interfering! Then when I stand up to her she says I’M “disrespectful”, “put her down” ,”pick” on her, “abuse” HER,etc, and runs off sobbing to the kids to get sympathy and to take her side! She never takes responsibility for anything either and always blames someone else(usually me!) and somehow everything’s always MY fault!

My hubby also devalues,demeans,and dismisses me as well; when he wants to lay down on the couch he just kicks me off as I’m easy to displace and don’t matter, and mocked my future plans(missionary work in Africa) as I’m incapable and will fail at that,too,and never consults with me and informs me about anything(and resents that I want him to include me) and we basically live “separate” lives.

The kids see how my mother and hubby treat me as well and now imitate it; saying their 300$ game system is worth more than MY 20$ coat, make fun of my breathing problem and inability to exert myself(eg. walk far, and even going up a flight of stairs I get out of breath) and snicker I’m “fat” and “lazy” and it’s “just an excuse”,and make fun of me for yelling and freaking-out(but I wouldn’t even HAVE to if the kids just behaved,did what they were told, weren’t so disrespectful, and things went right for me!) I just can’t seem to ever find any love or support and don’t even know what people treating me with kindness and respect even feels like.In fact, if they ever did it would make me suspicious! I’m just not used to it.

I feel I am a scapegoat in life; a human punching bag; to be abused, disregarded,degraded and picked on.I feel worthless and like a big nothing. I hate myself and want to destroy myself. It was bad enough being bullied in school, but when my own family does it too it really beats me down, and then they wonder WHY I’m so depressed and just wish I could run away? The worst is, I have no escape; I live with it every day and have no way out and this depresses me and makes me feel even more hopeless even more.

Baldelicious!!

After growing my hair out for 2 months I decided to shave it off again and so I did. Now I look and feel like myself once again! I didn’t like hair,and I missed being bald and it was a big part of my identity and made me unique. My hubby prefers me with hair but my 7 YR old prefers me bald and says I look “cute”,but I prefer bald as well. I’ll never be pretty but I CAN always be different, and people still stare at me anyway even with hair(because I’m so ugly) so it doesn’t make any difference and I might as well do what makes me happy. It’s funny,too; it took 2 months to grow in and just  2 min. to shave off!It’s much easier and care-free this way as well,and saves $$$ on dyeing and gets rid of my thin and grey hair.

As well, now my healing gums where my tooth was extracted has a lump on the side and hurts again(still infected?) and my jaw somehow “shifted” and now my tongue rests on my TEETH and it rubs and hurts my tongue. I can never “win”, can I? It’s always SOMETHING!

Our Christmas.

We had a loud and lively Christmas as always. I woke up at 1:30 am to go to the bathroom but couldn’t get back to sleep, the older kids stayed up all night and  the younger ones got up at 5-6 am! Hubby’s sick as well(fever, chills, headache) as always someone’s always sick over the holidays(at Easter we all had the Flu) and Christmas Eve after Mass(which was packed full;standing room only!) we opened up 1 present each and did the rest(and the stockings) Christmas morning.Even the dogs got a stocking full of dog toys,too! We had a big dinner in the dining room, with me yelling at 2 of the teenagers to stop being losers eating with their fingers and acting like they were brought up in a barn,my mother dropped the plate of turkey and it somehow landed on her HEAD in her HAIR(needless to say most people passed over the turkey and had the ham!) and it’s my first Christmas as a vegetarian too but it was ok; I still had enough to eat with the mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, buns, and “Ambrosia” dessert,and the 2 oldest boys were mouthy and mean as always as well, jeering I “need to lose weight” and that I’m “mean” and they don’t want to sit next to me, and one refused to open the gift I gave him just to spite me and be mean. My hubby also surprised me by giving me a new computer which I desperately needed! The 2 older boys also complained our Internet’s slow so shut off everyone else’s Internet access so they’d get more and were told if they do that again that they’ll lose Internet for a WEEK. We never had any fresh snow but still do have some on the ground so it still ended up being a white Christmas afterall, and tomorrow we’re taking the trees down,and it’s always so sad to see the poor tree out there, abandoned and alone, cast off, laying by the side of the road. It breaks my heart.