Learning To Be Secretive.

My life has conditioned me and required me to learn to be secretive and to hide things in order to be safe and to survive.For obvious reasons there are several examples that I can’t divulge or get into here(things that still must remain hidden) but it has become a way of life for me.I have had to learn young to live in secret,to carry many hurts silently in my heart,things only God and my family are aware of, to watch what you say and do, be cautious and vigilant and to not trust anyone, esp. nosey outsiders.On a smaller scale I have also had to keep secret loves of my heart secret, to hide what I spend and what I buy from my mother,and many times to keep my secret thoughts, plans and dreams hidden from my family as well for fear I will be ridiculed. As a child I had to keep secret that I was abused.As well as that, there are just certain things that just aren’t anyone else’s business and that they don’t have to know, and being evasive and secretive has even saved us a few times.Our safety depends on it. I don’t even  know what it even FEELS like to feel safe, to be open  and forthcoming,to trust,to be able to open up, to be able to completely and truly share my life ,my struggles and my traumas with people, even with my closest friends. I have learned to be guarded and insular. I have had to survive many pretty horrible things and to not be able to share those experiences with anyone but to keep it inside, or at the very least, within the family. This blog is the closest “therapy” I can safely allow, to cleanse and “purge” myself, to let it out,to share, to seek understanding and support, yet a limited version, and never fully able to go into details and there are  some stories that can never be,and will never be, told.I have learned early on to be secretive and it has served me well and is the only thing I know.There are aspects of my life no one has any idea about the darkness,the pain, the hurt, the trauma, and the experiences that have damaged me and made me who I am, and that explain why I am the way I am, but yet can never fully be disclosed.


The wide-spread rioting,anarchy, civil unrest and chaos in Egypt is all over the news lately, and with good reason; people are fed up with poor living conditions and oppression.They want freedom and they want education and  jobs and are sick of rising food and tuition costs,poverty and unemployment.Interestingly, Cairo,Alexandria,and Suez were the same Egyptian cities that I went to just 3 years ago. I have a habit of leaving a “curse” of bad luck behind wherever I go, incl. London, Rome , Athens,and Tunis I also went to and have had rioting. I think I must be a “jinx” as after I left somewhere something bad always seems to happen….and so it goes…

As for Egypt, I almost even went to university there! I had planned it for years and had the info and everything; I wanted to take Egyptian Studies at the university in Cairo, but sadly(and just MY “luck”; things have a habit of NOT working out for me!) just as it was time for me to go in the mid-1980’s terrorism was rearing it’s ugly head and the Middle East was becoming a volatile area so I decided against it.It just didn’t seem like a wise or safe idea considering the political change.

I still remember as a kid in 1981 when the former Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat was assassinated and Hosni Mubarak(who was the Vice President at the time) became the new president and he has been since then. I had no idea of all the trouble, however, and had thought he was an ok guy(oh, well, so much for that) but now the reports state he is basically a dictator with an iron-clad rule. I was also surprised to hear he’s 82 years old; he doesn’t LOOK that old! Perhaps now would be a good time for him to retire(maybe he can travel, or take up golf, Bocce ball or Shuffle Board with the other seniors; whatever they do when they retire, ha ha) and he should listen to the legitimate complaints and concerns of the people and call an election and let them decide who they want as their leader.I wouldn’t be surprised if this unrest spread and there will be a revolution of change all across the Arab world….

Field Days Of Life.

In school up to grade 6 we had Field Days once a year in June. I always liked them and looked froward to them, not that I like sports(because I don’t) but we got the afternoon off school and got to be out in the schoolyard,and I always had the hope each year of winning a ribbon…..which I never did.Nevertheless, each year I always held out a false hope, hoping this would be the one year I would finally win, but I never did and was always dejected and depressed. I am just NOT the kind of person that wins things,ever, and the one rare time I did was at archery at camp when I was 11; I got a Bulls-Eye and the other kids didn’t want ME to win; they wanted the popular girl to win and even tried to convince the counselor to take the ribbon away from me and give it to her but she refused.Such is my life.

Field Day and my constantly unmet expectations have come to basically symbolize my entire life. Pretty much all my hopes, dreams and plans have been failures. They either just didn’t happen at all or didn’t work out.There was my plan to go to university in Cairo(at least I eventually DID go to Cairo,but only recently) and my plans to marry the man I loved(but never loved me back ), and then  to marry a European nobleman, to be a flight attendent when I graduated(but I was always too ugly to qualify)to be hired for jobs(I was never chosen above others)or for someone to like me,to go to certain schools, to live in certain places(our move to California was a disaster, for example) etc. but things just have a habit of NOT working out for me, for not happening, for going wrong.Basically I am NOT a “winner” in life and have failed at everything I have ever tried, hoped for, dreamed of, or planned. Things haven’t turned out the way I planned and so many hopes, dreams, plans, and expectations were not met. I fail at everything I try and everything I do. My hubby even scoffed that I will also fail at my FUTURE plans(to do missionary work in Africa once the kids have all left home) as well.I even think I am a failure as a mother as well. Nothing I have done ,planned, or hoped for has worked out. It is like my entire life is a Field Day; I HOPE for an achievement and to “win” at something, but I never do and always come away disappointed and last in life.What HAVE I done that WAS a success? My life has just been filled with disappointment, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, resentments and regrets. I wish I wasn’t me.


I recently posted this parody of Obama being compared to Hitler on my Facebook page, but wasn’t expecting the angry backlash that I got for it! It wasn’t my intention to offend and anger so many people; I thought it was a joke and I agree many of his policies ARE Nazi-like; not exterminating people, of course, but his plans of biometrics, where all citizens are implanted with a microchip similar to a GPS where they can be monitored and tracked by the gov’t, incl. all online and banking activities,tracing their whereabouts, and forcing kids to be vaccinated, and his song of praise by school kids that reminded me of the “Dear Leader” style of communist China and North Korea,and having the gov’t take over parents’ and families’ privacy, rights and freedoms, incl.invasive airport scanners, security and strip-searching, and the like VERY fascist, dictatorship style of gov’t steamrolls over people’s privacy, rights, and freedoms,where the State oversees, controls,regulates, monitors and takes over everything; very “Big Brother” ad Nazi-like in it;’s implementation; the only difference is the Nazis tried to oppress people all at once, too quickly and this is being done more gradually, over time, so less resistance as people adjust to their new “norm.”

I got a lot of nasty comments such as it’s a “disgrace” and I “should be ashamed of myself” etc. no doubt from politically-correct liberals who can’t take a joke,get offended at everything, and fail to see the chilling similarities to his strong-arm state-controlled policies that echo Nazi Germany.I was quite surprised, actually, they got into such an uproar and were so offended and mad!I really didn’t expect it or see it coming and was completely taken off guard!I mean, it was just a joke; a parody! That certainly wasn’t my intention,and like a magazine or newspaper retraction I pulled the post and made a public apology; not for how I feel about him, but for upsetting them when I didn’t mean to. I have suspected for quite awhile now as well I likely have Asperger’s Syndrome,and as such I don’t know what’s socially “acceptable” and often can’t tell what’s funny and a joke or just in  poor taste and it’s always getting me into trouble and I inadvertantly end up offending people! It’s never my intention but I seem to have a “knack” for saying the wrong thing and turning people off. That being said, I still DO find Obama’s policies concerning and don’t see what the big deal was….

My “Glamour” Look.

This is what I call my “glamour” shot or my “movie star” look. It was done on Yearbook Yourself that I accessed thru Facebook. You upload a photo of your face and get to choose various hairstyles. I think it turned out pretty good and esp. considering I don’t look “glamourous” at all in real life but this in one picture where I actually don’t think I look half-bad!


There has been a lot of controversy in the news lately over “Halal” food being more widely available in the UK and USA. Halal is a term that means the food is approved for the Islamic dietary laws, which means it’s not a forbidden food(such as pork or alcohol) and that the meat has been slaughtered according to Islamic law and offered to Allah(God.)There has bee an uproar people fearing that Muslims are” taking over” our “way of life”, and that Muslim “Sharia” law is becoming the new way of doing things in the Western world now as well as which is standard in the Middle East.

Now I personally see no harm in it or anthing wrong with it; to me it’s no different than seeing readily-available Kosher foods, that pass Jewish dietary laws and it just shows diversity; that there are a wide variety of multi-cultural foods and other items widely available, due to an increase of immigrant population. What’s so “wrong” with that? How is Halal or Kosher food exactly going to “harm” the rest of us that don’t happen to be Muslim or Jewish? If you don’t want to eat it, then fine, no one’s forcing you to, but there’s also no reason it can’t be available for those who require it, just like there are  special peanut-free foods for nut allergy sufferers(like our 9 YR old) or special diabetic foods,gluten-free, vegan, etc.

Some people claim it is food “offered to idols” even though Muslims(and Jews for that matter,too) worship the one and same God as Christians do! I think some people just don’t like it that immigrants still keep their own culture, but I see no harm in it; why not keep your cultural identity and preserve it for your children? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with offering Halal(or Kosher) food and really don’t see what all the fuss is about and why so many people are offended by it! I personally think it’s just more racial hatred towards Muslims.

Rich Peoples!!

For 2 weeks in April we will be living a fantasy life, like rich people, on our Caribbean cruise. I had to save up every penny for the past 2 years to pay for it, but for a short period of time we will be relaxing and treated like royalty, our every whim catered to, tanning on the beach, swimming in the warm blue sea.(We were there 2 years ago as well, a different part of the Caribbean.)until we have to go back to being “peasants” again, back to our real lives.Now, even though we are going on a cruise(and this will be my 6th cruise) we are by NO means rich; money is always tight, and we have to scrimp and save, sacrifice and do without on many things, like we always buy second-hand clothes(and people at church donate us clothing as well) and we only buy groceries reduced/ on sale and to pay our hydro bill we hardly ever use lights or appliances, and my mother needs dental care(she’s lost half her teeth) and new glasses but can’t afford it.So, unlike the other fabulously wealthy passengers on the trip, we are but mere imposters!

I know as well we are commanded to NOT envy, esp. since we are all equal in God’s Eyes,yet it gets really hard when I see outrageous things like 16 YR old Justin Bieber(who I think sings like a girl, BTW) buying a helicopter, while families can’t afford to buy a home, and I admit it DOES hurt when we struggle and can never get “ahead” and have expenses come up we can’t afford, to see how easy life is in comparison for the rich, and the best of it is they never have to worry about money; if something breaks or they want to repair or buy something they can; they don’t have to take out a loan or go without or put up with shoddy goods.It just seems so unfair that they don’t have the financial worries like the rest of us and if they need a vacation they can easily afford it; it doesn’t take them 2 YRS of saving every penny to do so.We’re not “poor”(that is, we’re not on social assistance and don’t go to the food banks) but we do struggle and just make ends meet.So, for us, spending 2 weeks among the millionaires and seeing how the “other half” live will have to be enough, and then we’re back into our reality again.

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