I know that I am not my body.It is merely a covering; a dwelling place for my soul.It is only temperary and when I die my soul is released from it and I live on. Nevertheless, it has given me so much anguish, grief, anger, and depression. I am ugly and fat and it has greatly impacted my life negatively and limited my options,choices,and opportunities in life. Because of it I have no self-esteem and hate myself even more.
It is very hard for me to try and hide it and cover it up. My boobs are so big(inherited from my grandmother) they sag and hang down to my waist so I have to bind them down smaller and flatter with elastic bandage but then it restricts my breathing and I can’t bend down or they pop out.They are so big that my clothes don’t fit properly; all shirts and sweaters are always so tight on the chest, buttons gap open, my boobs are compressed and squished into a humongous “uni-boob”,and even buying the largest size(XL) still makes no difference; it’s still tight….only then the arms are 2 feet too long!
My belly, ass,and hips are just as bad. Also genetic from my mother’s side of the family(they’re all fat) and I have a hard time finding pants that fit,and therefore can rarely wear them(just skirts) and my belly flab and fat rolls look like a shar-pei’s face or a folded apron that hangs down, so I wear a girdle, but it only squishes it down so much,and I can hardly breathe. My legs are so big they look like tree trunks and my ass is so fat I have broken chairs with my weight.
I’m fat and I’m ugly and I HATE it but have no $$$$ to get it surgically repaired(gastric-bypass, liposuction, tummy-tuck,and breast reduction) and no amount of dieting or exercise gets rid of it(esp. the big boobs and stretched-out belly from birthing 11 kids) so I’m just shit-out-of-luck,and I sink deeper into depression,self-loathing, and despair. I HATE looking like this, I hate being like this,I hate feeling like this, and my 16 YR old makes hurtful insults,”jokes” and comments about my looks and weight all the time, adding to my misery. I know I am NOT by body; I am a soul that just happens to be stuck in a fat ugly body.I feel trapped.I have nothing “going” for me; I’m fat, ugly, AND dumb. I wouldn’t be if I had any CHOICE, and it really brings me down. I know what matters is what’s on the inside but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. My mother sneers I should just “accept” that I’m fat and ugly but I can’t.How can anyone accept THAT? I just want to be able to wear normal clothes that fit, to not always have a hard time clothes shopping,and to not have to squeeze myself into modern torture devices to try and look presentable.I’m embarrassed and ashamed.Why is everything always so hard for me? Life has always been a struggle and a challenge and I just want to be able to feel GOOD about something.
I am not my body, but it does represent who I am to other people,sadly, who for the most part don’t look beyond the physical and are quick to judge and to condemn because of it and that sucks!