Shattered Heart.

My heart is shattered.My family continues to hate, ridicule, bully, blame, over-rule and undermine me. My hubby said when I’m away on the trip he’s getting rid of the dogs when I had hoped for puppies. That is just underhanded. The 16 YR old also kept insulting, provoking, goading and heckling me(he jeers I’m a failure and should go kill myself,and I’m illogical, unintelligent, have a small brain,etc.)and pushed me too far and I lashed out in anger.Even talking things out makes no difference; my mother and hubby proceeded to then blame me(they were no “help”) and say I’M the problem, I “over-react”, I “have to change”(how CAN I change Asperger’s and being victimized?) etc. when I’m tired of being disregarded, devalued, dismissed,victimized, and mistreated.I can’t live like this anymore and have had enough. I am so fragile, broken and beaten down. There’s nothing left for me anymore.

I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate living like this. I hate being fat and ugly.I hate being dumb.I hate it everything’s always so hard for me. I hate being limited by medical, social and emotional  issues.I hate being hated and bullied and blamed by my own family. I hate having no “say”, no voice and no authority. I hate always coming last and being the least important. I hate it that my needs, thoughts, and concerns are devalued and ignored as unimportant and don’t matter. I hate having no love or support and feeling so alone. I hate being trapped with nowhere to go. I hate feeling so hopeless that things will never change. I hate that I can’t even discuss it as they still always blame me.I hate it no one’s ever on my side.I hate it I want to leave but have no $$$ and nowhere to go.I hate it I am always ostracized. I hate it neither of my parents loved me.I hate it happiness eludes me.I hate it I’m different and have never been like other people.I hate it that I was bullied in school and the scars still remain. I hate it that everything’s always so hard for me and each day is a struggle just to survive. I hate it nothing works out for me and everything always goes wrong. I hate it I’m cursed with bad luck and misfortune. I hate it I am having a spiritual struggle and a crisis of faith. I hate it I am always “last” in life and missed out on so much. I hate being a scapegoat and victim in life. I hate feeling helpless and trapped. I hate it I’m a failure in life.I hate being in an unhappy loveless marriage.I hate it happiness eludes me. I hate crying myself to sleep at night. I hate begging for God to take my life but He never does.

My mother also said she wants to take someone else on our upcoming Caribbean trip and NOT me, even though *I’M* the one who paid 7500$ out of the 10 000$ cost. She also says I “pick on” the kids for disciplining them and teaching them to be godly,and that her meddling is her “opinion” and I overheard her and the 13 YR old meanly talking about me behind my back and it felt like a knife in my heart..If I really AM such an awful, horrible person like they say and seem to think I am then I DON’T want to be like that or live like that anyway.I am sick and tired of being shit on and blamed.With me gone they would be happy and better off. We’d all get what we want and be happy; I’d finally be free of this crap and they’d be rid of me.The only thing is, if I leave who would they have to pick on, kick down and blame for everything?They’d have to find a new “punching bag.”I don’t even care about anything anymore.My heart is shattered beyond repair.Why do I even bother?

The Pink Cup.

I still remember the pink cup. It was a light pink plastic Tupperware cup. I was 4 and 5 years old. My mom and I lived with my aunt, uncle,and cousins for those 2 years and they had 4 plastic Tupperware cups: pink, yellow, blue,and green. My fave. was the pink and because it was  my aunt would purposely keep it from me. She was nasty and mean and had something against me.She knew I  liked it and would purposely not let me have it. If I had it on my place setting on the table she would move it and give it to someone else just to be mean. I would put it  back and she would remove it again.She was always bossing and bullying me and making me a slave.I felt like Cinderella. When my mother was sick with pneumonia and I thought she was dying she wouldn’t even let me go up to her room to see her so when she’d leave for work I’d run up and see her. My aunt was even still  mean to me as a teen when we visited her.I still remember my fave. pink cup, all these years later and how much I loved it.It symbolizes how I have always been mistreated and purposely treated like crap, and longings that will never happen for me.It is the story of my life.I have always wanted things I can not have. I have always loved guys who never loved me back. I have always wanted to find happiness and love that always eluded me.I wanted a family to love, support, cherish and comfort me. Even my family bullies me.I have been so beaten down by life, rejection,and ridicule that I have nothing left anymore. I am destroyed and a mere hollow empty shell.It has taken everything from me and out of me. I think my purpose in life is to be shit on. I honestly do. I am always denied, refused, rejected, bullied, blamed,hated,mistreated and ostracized.I have never been like other people. I have many emotional,medical, and social limits that hold me back.The pink cup was only the beginning of years of neglect, cruel treatment,abuse,longing,and symbolic of a beaten down life, a life where I now no longer even have desires as there’s no point in wanting things(or a life) that are always out of my reach and hopeless.I no longer have the cravings, desires, hopes and dreams I once did as I know they are unattainable, so why torture myself? I have given up hope of ever being happy and of ever having the life I hoped for and want. I no longer even try to think of what I lack and how limited I am in life and how much I missed out on in life. What’s the point? I couldn’t have the pink cup then….and I can’t now,and I never will.