Going Backwards.

I always feel like I am going “backwards” in life; that I am always at the beginning of everything, not an “expert” in anything,never progressing anywhere, or belong anywhere,and that I am always behind everyone else.I feel like the parade is always passing me by. I feel left out of life, and that I missed out on so much due to my looks and my limits.I feel all the answers are somewhere outside of myself and that I just have to find them. I feel dumb and inferior and held back compared to other people. I have always been different and not like anyone else.I have never “fit” in.I have always been on the outside looking in. I have always been or felt “inappropriate” and had to deny, change and alter myself in order to try to fit in and be accepted.An example would be I am left-handed and had to adapt to a right-handed world.Even from the day I was born( 6 weeks premature) life has always  been hard and a daily struggle for me; fighting to survive.

To make it worse is the constant abuse, bullying, rejection,and hatred I’ve had to endure my entire life, even from my own family. I was ostracized and ridiculed in school and even now my own family belittles, demeans, devalues and dismisses me. My thoughts, needs, feelings and concerns don’t matter and I always come last and am the least important and my schedule and plans matter least.In fact, just today my mother mocked me again, snickering at me how MY ass is bigger than HERS,and then added, “But still NOT as big as your MOUTH!” I just wanted to punch her right in the face! She pushes me too far and over the edge. I lash out in anger and defence, tired of always being bullied and heckled; increasing my built-up  anger until one day I feel I am going to simply implode.How much more should I be expected to take? One of these days she is going to push me TOO far!

Canada Still Sucks!

I’ve said it many times before and I will say it again and I will keep saying it as it only keeps getting worse and worse: Canada sucks! Now I read in the news that the gov’t is slow in evacuating citizens from the chaos in Libya; doing it’s usual half-assed job and lagging behind other nations. At least 12 other countries began getting their people out days ago, incl. the UK and China who used frigate ships and military planes. Meanwhile, this stupid country said(like they also did in the uprising in Egypt) you’re basically on your own; find your own way back(and the ones they did make the effort to finally rescue in Egypt they only got them half way, to Europe,and made them reimburse them the cost at 2000$ each!) and Canadians have been getting out by help of other countries evacuating their own nationals, incl. the Americans, British and others, as this gov’t doesn’t give a crap and couldn’t care less about their citizens abroad(or for their citizens here, either!). As well, the Canadian embassies are only open and available from 9-5pm and only on weekdays and have been notoriously known to not answer the phones in a crisis,and are so useless Canadians abroad in danger are being advised they’d have better luck and success by approaching either the British, Australian, American, or even the Dutch embassies for help.I can see why mogul Conrad Black renounced his Canadian citizenship,and I saw on the news they interviewed a Canadian in Libya who refused to leave; even she would rather stay there than come back here! This country really sucks! I’d leave if I had the $$!

As well, another disturbing news item: our gov’t continues to be a “puppet” to USA and have been discovered secretly  sharing citizens’ personal info with American gov’t and  airport security, so that our people can be placed on the American’s “no-fly” lists without cause and without our knowledge or consent..It incl. sensitive info being shared  such as criminal records, medical issues, police involvement, etc. things they have NO business sharing with a foreign gov’t! There is no respect or protection for people’s privacy, legal rights,and freedoms here much anymore. It is becoming more and more a Police State, Nanny State, Big Brother gov’t all the time, steamrolling over citizens rights and privacy more and more.