I always feel like I am going “backwards” in life; that I am always at the beginning of everything, not an “expert” in anything,never progressing anywhere, or belong anywhere,and that I am always behind everyone else.I feel like the parade is always passing me by. I feel left out of life, and that I missed out on so much due to my looks and my limits.I feel all the answers are somewhere outside of myself and that I just have to find them. I feel dumb and inferior and held back compared to other people. I have always been different and not like anyone else.I have never “fit” in.I have always been on the outside looking in. I have always been or felt “inappropriate” and had to deny, change and alter myself in order to try to fit in and be accepted.An example would be I am left-handed and had to adapt to a right-handed world.Even from the day I was born( 6 weeks premature) life has always been hard and a daily struggle for me; fighting to survive.
To make it worse is the constant abuse, bullying, rejection,and hatred I’ve had to endure my entire life, even from my own family. I was ostracized and ridiculed in school and even now my own family belittles, demeans, devalues and dismisses me. My thoughts, needs, feelings and concerns don’t matter and I always come last and am the least important and my schedule and plans matter least.In fact, just today my mother mocked me again, snickering at me how MY ass is bigger than HERS,and then added, “But still NOT as big as your MOUTH!” I just wanted to punch her right in the face! She pushes me too far and over the edge. I lash out in anger and defence, tired of always being bullied and heckled; increasing my built-up anger until one day I feel I am going to simply implode.How much more should I be expected to take? One of these days she is going to push me TOO far!