The other day my 16 YR old smirked that I ‘look like a man” and he’s right, I do, and I hate it. I am built like a wrestler, with a thick neck, wide shoulders, fleshy arms, chunky legs, and a big build, and fat and solid, like a hippo or a tank(everyone in my mom’s side of the family is).On top of that(if that isn’t bad enough) I also have big boobs that hang to my waist, a saggy belly that looks like a Shar-pei, a long, narrow elongated head with a high flat forehead, flat face, no cheekbones,bad over-bite,misaligned jaw,crooked teeth, and masculine facial features,and that’s not just being bald; even before when I had long hair I still looked like a man in drag. There’s no way around it. I’m ugly and I hate it. It was also the cause of bullying and rejection my entire life.
Being ugly has caused me to miss out on so much in life and has held me back socially and emotionally. I was always picked last, left out, over-looked and never had the opportunities and choices in life others do.Let’s face it, no one wants to see an ugly mug; I can count only a grand total of 3 ugly people I have ever seen on TV or movies: Tori Spelling, Linda Hunt, and Sarah Jessica Parker. That’s it. Ugly people are also not asked on dates or to dances or proms(I never was; my hubby’s the only one who liked me but he was “desperate”too!) and are never hired for jobs above attractive people even if they are more qualified. Life is very cruel to the ugly and life didn’t bring me any happiness. Needless to say I have zero self-esteem and hate looking in the mirror or having photos taken.If only I had the $$$ I would get extensive surgery done.
My life has also taught me to run and hide, and to be secretive,reclusive,insular,isolated,self-conscious,withdrawn,wary, cautious,guarded,mistrustful,suspicious,vigilant, distant,aloof,and NOT trusting authorities or anyone. It has made me a neurotic, timid, fearful, worried, victimized, self-hating, anxious mess.I have always been an outcast and never fit in. My grade 8 principal even told me that it was my fault and that I “deserved” to be bullied(when I went to her about it) “for being ugly.” She announced it right in front of the bullies(she had also called to her office at the same time) too.No wonder I’m so screwed up! No wonder I hate myself. No wonder I don’t trust anyone.I hate being ugly.I wish I had an easier life.Life is so unfair and I always end up with the short end of the stick.