Misunderstood.

 I have always been misunderstood and had my intentions taken the wrong way. When I have sincerely meant to comfort, support, advise, sympathize or help someone it always gets taken the wrong way and people get mad at me. I have always had this problem.I have good intentions and it almost always backfires on me.I am pretty sure I have Asperger’s and this could explain it, yet it still hurts and is a life-long struggle.I just can’t relate to other people and have always been different.

It also reminds me of when I was a teen. I wasn’t like other teens. I was a good girl and always followed the rules and did the right thing.I never played hooky and never skipped a class(other than gym as I hate sports and sucked at it and was always picked last and blamed when my team lost,and it’s not academic and not a “real” class,anyway) and never did the bad things other kids did; I didn’t party, date boys, smoke, drink, take drugs, etc. I was an outcast. As well, the younger kids in my neighbourhood always hung around me on our street.Kids always seemed to gravitate towards me and I liked being with them; perhaps it’s because I was “innocent” like they are and stayed away from immorality in the world?When I was 17 I only looked like I was 12 as well. I sort of looked out for them and acted like a babysitter or a big sister. I took them to the park, for bike rides, etc.yet women on the street would gossip and say cruel, hurtful lies about me. They sneered I was “retarded” and that my “body is grown up but my mind isn’t” and  was ” immature”, etc. and the worst of it when a couple of them even feared I was a pedophile and forbid their kids to come near me. I have always been misunderstood, ostracized and humiliated.After awhile I just stopped trying to socialize with people. I’m tired of always being rejected and ridiculed. It only added to my Social Phobia which made connecting and interacting with people difficult to begin with and then it was compounded by all the traumas in my life, causing me to withdraw even more.Now I am a near recluse.I crawl inside myself and retreat from the world more and more. I am tired of being hurt.

I also remember when we moved to California and I had to be interviewed and take an entrance exam to be admitted to the Beverly Hills Prep School.(I passed) and the headmistress said she was “concerned” about me; that I was “emotionally immature”, and “had a lot of problems” and that she was “afraid I wouldn’t fit in” and that the “others would make fun of me” and she was right: while I was there for the exams I saw a group of girls who went there and they pointed at me  and snickered as I walked by. It is the story of my life. Wherever I go, no matter what I do, I am always misunderstood and always feel utterly alone and unaccepted in life. Now, even my own KIDS make fun of me and call me names. Just the other day the 13 YR old said I’m a “whale” and added it’s just a “joke” and I “exaggerate”(about how bullying hurts and tell them to stop) and that if it bothered me that much then I’m a “wimp” and a “pussy.” I don’t know WHAT it is, but I always seem to “invite” teasing and ridicule.I hate always standing on the outside looking in.

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