Stopped At A Red Light.

 My life feels like I’m stopped at a red light that never changes to green. I feel stifled, trapped, oppressed,like a prisoner in my own home and need to get “away” from my life (and this toxic environment) in order to really live my life.I am a child of rejection, pain, hurt,fear and exhaustion; wounded and unable to grow, blossom, thrive and be free and need to think  new hopes, dreams ,goals and thoughts. It feels like my life has this terrible absense of something that’s necessary in order to survive.

I scream silently in the deepest emotional pain yet no one hears me. I am blamed for everything and have no support or understanding. My mother snickers the reason no one’s on my “side” or agrees with me is because I’m “always wrong” and “don’t want to hear the truth.” I wish I HAD a happy marriage and normal kids instead of a life of failures, regrets, losses, lack of opportunities ,choices, and chances, and lost dreams.I’m sick nothing ever goes right for me and all we have is everything dirty, broken, in disrepair, sub-standard; it’s like a slum and I fear that’s maybe all we deserve. I wish we had a normal family and not one so torn apart by so much trauma, conflict, stress, discord,fear, worry,anxiety, divided loyalties,sabotage,division, discord,and strife. I need to separate myself from my family and wish I could leave now, but what would I do for $$$? I am stuck here until the youngest starts highschool.

I also hate having a body(big,busty, and masculine) like Brigitte Nielsen and a face like Tori Spelling(yet will never have enough $$ for surgery to fix it and look and feel better) and having a lifetime of people judging(and hating) me  on my appearance.My life is like the wrapping has been torn away without a prize inside,like I’m living in a country whose borders are defined  by mountains of fear and anxiety,and I can’t navigate thru the world and don’t belong; like life is a private club and everyone has the password except me and they all know a secret I don’t know.I want to leave now and start over,a new beginning, but 10 years until I can is such a long time….

I am a bad luck charm as well(even the clarifying flocking agent and manually vacuuming the pool didn’t work either; still algae and cloudy! I’m tired too working so hard daily to clean and maintain it and it’s still dirty, and a plug got sucked down a  hole in the skimmer as well from the drain suction) NOTHING works out or goes right for me but my hubby dismisses it and doesn’t understand and sneers it’s “all in my head” and my mom snorts, “It won’t change anything always complaining about it all the time!” I am all alone. A friend said I “put up with so much that no one should have to put up” and that I “have some really tough choices to make” and he’s right.Everything in my life has become flat, stale,lifeless and all energy, hope and enthusiasm has died along with my spirit and my soul. I am dead inside.I am also always pulled between wanting to hold on to things and wanting to let go.My mother even said the people she likes the most(my aunt and grade 1 teacher) are also the ones who were the meanest to me. I doubt this is coincidence. I am so broken and feel like nothing.I want out. I want to get off.How do I fix it all?