The Most Scared I’ve Ever Been.

 I have always been an anxious, worried, high-strung person. I have phobias,anxiety and depression and likely Asperger’s.Ordinary things and situations that wouldn’t even phase other people put me into a fearful panic but the most scared I’ve been in my life are the following; memories so raw and terrifying of such extreme situations I try not to dwell on them; to push them back into the recesses of my mind as even remembering them relives the fear.It’s painful to write them down and expose them so publically like this, but it is therapeutic in a way as well so I do.I think it will help to heal.

CUSTODY BATTLE:

Years ago my hubby and I split up and he tried for custody. My biggest fear: to lose my kids. We even got lawyers and went to court over it.I was so scared I hardly slept even though he had no chance of winning just going thru this terrified me. As it turned out we settled on a temporary solution for a couple of years and then reconciled, so it was no longer an issue, but it scared the hell out of me.

THE FIRE:

15 years ago we had an electrical fire. We were home at the time and were lucky to get everyone out in time. We had 6 kids at the time incl. a 3 week old baby. It was such a terrifying experience to live thru. I had nightmares,flashbacks, panic attacks and  Post Traumatic Stress  Disorder(PTSD) for 9 whole months afterwards.It deeply traumatized me but luckily the older kids only have vague memories of it.

A CLOSE CALL KIDNAPPING:

When our now 16 year old was 1-2 years old he was almost kidnapped from our backyard. Me, him and the 6 year old were out and I quickly ran in for a second to go to the bathroom and a man with a teen boy came to the fence and said to the 6 year old, “Bring that beautiful boy over here and close your eyes!” and the other said, “If he doesn’t bring him over, jump over the fence and get him!” so the 6 year old said to his little brother to come inside and get a cookie(I had told him if anyone ever came to our yard or near him to go inside right away and close the door ) and he told me. I was terrified beyond belief! What was his intention? Did he want a child? To sell out to adoption? or(what I fear most likely) was he a pedophile and he would have raped and killed him? I called the police and told them what happened and they sneered I was a “crazy over-reacting mother” and why would I believe anything a 6 year old says and they can’t come over every time a stranger comes to our fence, etc. they didn’t believe me! This was just once of many times I learned you can’t trust the authorities.I don’t even want to THINK about what a close call that was and what could have happened to him…

COURT:

We had to go to court for the custody battle and again years later to face an enemy that threatened,harrassed,endangered, and tormented us. We had done nothing wrong yet the entire process was still incrediblely nerve wracking and I was so scared I was even throwing up from nerves and stress.It was so frightening and intimidating.

OUR ENEMY:

An enemy had threatened our family to such a degree we had to move. We were in such danger we had no other choice. Not only did we leave our house, we left the city and fled to a remote undisclosed rural area where they’d never find us and never think to look. The whole ordeal was frightening beyond words and we were always looking over our shoulders in case they’d find us.Think of Witness Protection/Relocation and you kind of get the idea.I was so damaged emotionally from that one that I never recovered and never will, the fear and danger was so great.My sense of security was shattered beyond repair and I will never feel safe again.

CANCER:

6 years ago our then 7 year old had leukemia. This was terrifying.We almost lost him a few times. The entire thing was a great disruption of our family dynamic and filled with many fearful hospital stays and medical emergencies. The future was very uncertain. He could have died.We felt so helpless and lost. It was so scary I wasn’t eating or sleeping and got PTSD all over again.He almost died before and during birth as well which were also fearful times for me.

OBSTETRIC CHOLESTASIS:

When I was prego with our youngest 4 years ago I developed a rare pregnancy-induced liver disorder; a 1% chance. I was very sick and there was a high risk of stillbirth from 37 weeks. They didn’t believe me for the longest time I had it(it’s so rare) but finally did last minute and I was induced at 37 weeks and he ended up ok but it was a very scary,fearful, worrisome and stressful experience.

All these(and others; these are just the worst) traumas have left me shattered emotionally and fiercely protective of my family(as well as cautious, mistrustful and isolated) and I’ve always felt I’ll die young(before 50) but I prefer an early end since I carry such a heavy burden of sorrow and anguish.I have haunting memories of the past that will never go away; they have been imprinted into my mind forever.The emotional scars cut too deep to give happiness and peace of mind much of a chance and it was the end of a normal existance for me;I have no joy in life anymore and life is now simply a matter of day to day survival.I have simply been thru too much, an emotional overload that I am unable to rebound from. My life will never be the same again and I am irrepairably broken.