My Want List.

 If I could  make a list like a wish list or a want list to change my life and the way I feel about myself it would be this:


I would have different parents. I would have a dad that I knew and that was with us. I would have a mother who was home with me and didn’t always farm me off to strangers and who wasn’t always so emotionally abusive and hurtful to me. I would have parents that loved and wanted me and I would have siblings and not be a lonely only child.


I would be thin and not have a big build, not be big boned and not be fat. I wouldn’t have to be scary skinny, just not fat. Thin enough I wouldn’t hate everything I see and wouldn’t have trouble finding clothes that fit.Thin enough that I wouldn’t have to try every diet and always fail. So I wouldn’t be genetically cursed to be fat.


I would be happy. I would know what it’s like to feel happiness and joy. To not always have a black cloud hanging over me.To be able to enjoy life and want to live. To not always wish I was dead.


I would be loved. By my parents, by my husband, by my kids. I would be able to trust and feel safe and secure and loved and know what it feels like to be cherished.I would no longer be blamed for everything and bullied. I would feel wanted and I would learn love and how to love.I would be able to love myself.


I would be pretty, or at least decent looking. I would no longer be ugly.I would be able to look in a mirror and would enjoy having my picture taken. I would be attractive to guys and would have been asked to dance, out on dates ,to a prom. I would have a choice in life and wouldn’t have to always settle. I wouldn’t be teased and bullied for my looks.I would be welcomed and not rejected.


I would be “normal”, like other people. I would fit in and belong. I would be included and not left out or ostracized and teased. I wouldn’t always be on the outside looking in and I would make friends easily.I wouldn’t struggle with everything all the time and be cursed with bad luck. Things would go my way and come as easily for me as they do for others.I would have a life that isn’t always defined by fear, anxiety and worry.I wouldn’t be emotionally damaged from years of constant traumas.I wouldn’t have medical or emotional issues that limit me and hold me back. I would be just like everyone else and not feel like an outsider in life that always  passes me by.

Basically, my wish/want list  is just normal life for others, a dream for me.I regret and would change pretty much EVERYTHING in my life if I could.I would change everything about myself and would be someone completely different. I wish…