A Hole In My Heart.

 I have a hole in my heart.Well, not literally but the way my family treats me I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.Once again my mother blamed me for everything and says everything’s MY fault, and that *I* “always get everyone arguing and yelling” and that I should move out and that if she had the $$$$ she’d PAY for me to leave and told me to take the 8 YR old with me too. I said it would be easier for HER to leave instead, so I could still be here with the kids and she’d do better surviving on her own than I would(with my Asperger’s and other issues I couldn’t handle the day to day things of life such as grocery shopping, banking, doing taxes, etc. and they’d still have to help me out anyway even if I did leave, such as bringing me food and sending me $$$) but she refused and  they took a “vote” and decided(except for the 8 YR old) that SHE stays and I go!(she has even “poisoned” my own KIDS against me and turned them against me now,too!!)Everyone wants to get rid of me! She then suggested we sell the house and she and I each get half(since we paid for it with my grandmother’s money she left us) and then when I said “But what would I do when the $$$ runs OUT?” and she snickered, “That’s YOUR problem!”She KNOWS I have no way to support myself. She’s so mean,and even the 16 YR old smirked I’m “so ‘fun’ to make fun of!” The 13 YR old also mocks me for being suicidal,and my mother says she “hates all the yelling and fighting” even though SHE starts it! I truly need to separate myself from my toxic family.

It’s a nice idea though; the 8 YR old and I moving out on our own someplace together,peaceful, like a small house or a log cabin, for 10 years until she goes off to university and I can go do missionary work, but what would we do for $$$? How would I continue to homeschool the OTHER kids? All I know is I’m tired of always being blamed, hassled, ridiculed,mocked, talked back to, not listened to, dismissed, devalued, disregarded, ignored,and living like this.I have to get out. I seriously considered hanging myself the other day, the only way to escape this miserable life.It seems so hopeless; like nothing will ever change.They gang up on me and “attack” me and I can’t take it anymore.I can’t keep living this way. I have a hole in my heart and it only keeps getting bigger until the hole will grow so big it will be unable to be repaired.I think they are trying to drive me to suicide.