If Only I Had Known Before.

 The other day I read an article where a mom of 14 kids said she is overwhelmed and can’t cope, that her kids are “animals” and “brats” she wished she never had, that she locks herself in the bathroom and cries and wants to kill herself.I thought to myself,”Wow! I’m not the only person who feels like this; she’s just the first one that’s ever admitted it.” Maybe lots of mothers feel the same way but don’t admit it? I also heard some 70% of parents surveyed said if they knew before what they know now about having kids that they wouldn’t have done it and that they regretted it.

I thought having kids would make me happy too but it turns out it only made me even more miserable. It wasn’t what I had expected and didn’t think it would be like this.If I had only known before I would have changed my mind,too.If I had known how overwhelming it would be, how much fear, stress, worry, trauma,heartache,family divisions, divided loyalties, strife, conflict, discord,and that I would have no support and always be over-ruled and undermined by my hubby and mother and have no authority over the kids, that they would hate me, disrespect me, disobey and ignore me, mock me,always fight everything I try to teach them, defy me, insult me,turn against me(that was my mother’s doing) and always give me such a hard time I wouldn’t have done it. My life was alot easier before and I honestly can’t say that I think it was worth it.All my hopes and dreams have been lost and shattered and my life has been one big failure.

I fail at everything I have ever tried and motherhood is no different(in fact, my 13 and 16 YR old remind me of this fact and tell me almost daily).I have a dead-end life,going nowhere,and I’ve never had that “happy-ever-after” moment.I am so emotionally shattered and stunted from my life I am unfit for human society and  can never find my place in the world. I thought being a mother was it…but so “much” for that. I have to carve out a new future and new hopes,dreams and goals for myself.I am devoid of happiness; only pain and despair,my eyes are empty soul-less and show no joy; every day is a constant struggle just to survive.I am emotionally shattered, “spent”,beaten down, defeated and just want to give up and let go.My family wants me to go and to move out. I want to leave too but have no $$$ or any way to support myself. I am stuck.I don’t want to live in my body anymore(I never have) and would give anything to be someone else with someone else’s life. My kids hate me and would be happier without me.If only I had known before….it wasn’t supposed to be like this and this isn’t what I signed up for.I need to somehow start over and find a new future.