Today is what has become our annual family reunion on my mother’s side. It started 10 years ago. I have been to 3 of them; 10 years ago, 8 years ago,and 5 years ago but we no longer go now for a few reasons: first of all, it’s too far away, many hours’ drive each way and we have to take 2 trips each way for all of us to go as our van only seats 7 so all my hubby would be doing the entire time is driving as he’s the only one who can drive.He’d miss the whole thing!.As well, the last time we went 2 cousins kept insulting us; one insulted my suntan, bald head and tattoos,and called my mother fat(even though he’s fat himself!), and another said our kids are “lazy” because we let them sleep in late during the summer. The hosts also kept letting all the dogs run loose and taking food off people’s plates(I thought was annoying, rude,and off-putting); they should have confined them to the barn.It was very annoying and they never let anyone in the house either(except their own grandkids) and kept us outside the whole time(it was a cold, windy, drizzling day,too) to use a port-a-potty. On top of that, with my Social Phobia I don’t socialize with people, feel awkward and panicky and never know what to say, esp. when I don’t know people and a great many of the relatives there I DON’T know; I know their names and have heard stories about them over the years but I don’t really KNOW them. I feel out of place, nervous and just sit there off by myself anyway, watching and listening, so what’s really the point? I regularly e-mail a cousin anyway and she keeps me updated and vice-versa. She said she’ll let me know if there’s any news with anyone. Another cousin who also has Social Phobia has never even been to one reunion, so I don’t feel so bad.Besides, my mother always puts on this nice phony act in front of everybody as well; acting all sweet and nice so people will think she’s this nice sweet person when really she’s a nasty hateful bitch who makes my life hell, and it makes me nauseous to see it; it’s so fake, and I know better.
A friend posted on Facebook how we shouldn’t settle for being on the “clearance rack”; that we should be hidden behind the glass where the valuables are kept; that we are worth more and shouldn’t be treated second-class and inferior and should’t accept it. She’s right, but I have always been on the clearance rack in life; never good enough, never smart enough, never good-looking enough, never popular enough, never enough.I have been rejected, abused, bullied and treated like a second-class citizen, not worth the time and effort, left out, never fitting in,over looked, outcast, left behind and ignored.I feel like inferior or damaged goods, to be cleared out at a reduced price, and I keep getting marked down but still no one buys.
My ugly looks, fat body, brain decline, Asperger’s, Social Phobia and various other limits, defects, setbacks and inabilities make me second-rate and the way my mother treats me reduced me down even lower.Every time I discipline my kids,for example, or criticize anyone or anything, she somehow always manages to turn it back onto me and blame me, and bring up every single wrong thing that I did over my entire life that she hates. She can “spin” anything and everything to make it look like everything’s always MY fault. She turns my own kids against me, every chance she gets she cuts me down, gets in little “digs” at me and tries to make me look dumb or wrong all the time.She has a way of making me feel so badly about myself that I’d rather die.She also mocks my religious and moral beliefs and when I say something’s a sin she’ll snicker, “THEY don’t think it IS!” and I remind her, “Well, GOD thinks it is, and that’s what matters!” To her I am just opinionated, harsh, outspoken,judgemental,critical,and just plain wrong. She hates everything about me and I hate myself(and her) just as much.
I am still on the clearance rack, waiting to be sold, waiting to be wanted,cherished, loved, desired, found worthy and valued,to be treated with gentleness, kindness and respect. I have been marked down(and kicked down) so low and have been waiting for so long now.I am a different, unique and rare find.I just need to find a “buyer” that has eclectic taste and appreciates things that are a challenge and that have been thru harsh conditions. I am like a piece of gold that has been refined and recreated thru trial and fire and now need to be re-set.I need a new home,a new “owner”, a new life.I need to feel full price for once.
These are pretty coloured garden hoses available in Europe. Here hoses are green….that is, except for the ugly brown one my hubby got! We already have 3 hoses so I don’t know why he even got another one. He got this really ugly brown hose. It looks like an elephant shit. He’s supposed to get a nice green hose, but oh, no, he HAD to get the ugliest thing he could possibly find.He said he got it because it was on sale.Everything we get is on sale.
Then I felt badly; I had done what I hate people always doing to me: judging me on my appearance. So then I felt all horrible, guilty,and hypocritical and felt “sorry” for the hose. Now I have to be extra “nice” to it to “make up” for it, so it doesn’t feel bad or unwanted. It’s also kind of like the time I read a blog and saw the author was pretty and I found myself automatically NOT liking her, assuming she must be a bitch. I felt ashamed, judging by looks and then I did it again a short time later with the hose.So now we have an “ugly duckling” hose, and I can relate to it; it’s me of the garden hose world.Ugly, rejected, unwanted, different.