The Final Indignity.

 This is too low even for my heartless mother.She just informed me when she dies that she’s cutting me out and leaving me nothing; she’s giving it all to the kids.All I’ll have is half the house(which I already have now anyway; paid for with my grandmother’s inheritence;she paid for the other half) and that she’s leaving her half to the kids, bypassing me. This is her last final indignity, after treating me like a worthless piece of shit my entire life; she even wants to control and punish me after she’s dead.This is her final “Fuck you!” act.

I explained that the way it’s supposed to work is she dies and I get everything(which I would share with the kids anyway) and then when I die the kids get everything. She smirked she can do whatever she wants with it and my hubby doesn’t see anything wrong with it,either. I have NEVER felt so hurt, betrayed, deceived, ganged-up on, left out and cheated. He even had the nerve to say that *I* should treat HER better when she’s the one always hassling me and somehow when I stand up to her and defend myself it’s being mean to HER? I’m so sick of this shit. I just wish I was dead. She has always been cruel but this is going too far even for her, it’s like a knife in my heart.

She snickers that I “won’t need” $$$ as in 10 years I’m going to do missionary work in Africa but I’ll be 55 years old then and likely only expect to be able to do it for 5-10 years and by then be too old and sick and when I do eventually return I’ll need to live SOMEWHERE; old-age home or small apt. or something and I’ll have to pay for my last years in some way! She’s basically just tossing me out onto the street leaving me without anything(other than the “half” a house I already own!) and excuses I’m “Not her kid; I’m an adult” ….even though most “kids” ARE adults by the time their parents die and they inherit.I can’t believe the level of hatred she has for me and the limit she’ll go to crush and hurt me.

The bitch said she’ll be going to a lawyer to re-do her will soon.(She turns 70 tomorrow) as the old will left everything to me, that she had done about 9 years ago. This is just one final slap in the face to me; the final indignity to  shit on me. I fully plan on contesting it in court for the principle of the thing; to not let her get away with it. I will NOT let her dying wish be to cut me off and toss me aside like a piece of garbage. She at least owes me that after how she’s treated me my entire life. My hubby is no better; siding with her,just like he always does. I have never felt so alone and so unwanted and discarded. I feel betrayed and devastated.If they’d pay my rent, bills and bring me groceries I’d move out and leave NOW. (With my Asperger’s, Social Phobia, and no life skills, social skills or job skills and can’t relate to other people or function out in the “real” world  I am unable to work) and I just can’t wrap my mind around how much my family hates me and wants me out, in every single way.I am being left out and disowned in every way possible.

Letter To My Mother.

 Dear Mom,

I wish I knew and could understand why you hate me. Why you never showed me any love, affection, hugs, and kisses.Why you even admitted to my face that you never loved me and sneered that I’m “jealous” you love other people and not me,and that the reason you DO love them is because they’re “not like” me.What kind of mother says that to her own child? Why you were never there for me as a child, why I was farmed off to daycare as an infant and had to raise myself. I wish I knew why you even had me because you never acted like you wanted me. Even now as an adult you constantly put me down, over-step boundaries with my kids, over-rule and undermine me, and why everything you say to me is hateful, spiteful,mean and abusive.I have always felt like I was nothing but a burden to you.You are one of those people that doesn’t know how to be a mother, doesn’t have the proper “tools” to be a mother,and never should have had a child.

I can see now why my father left you; that he couldn’t live with you either. You are difficult to love and impossible to live with.You are a cruel, hateful, spiteful, unforgiving,controlling, meddling,critical,grudge-holding,vengeful shrew.When you retired even your co-workers were glad to see you go and never even gave you a party.You have even turned my own kids against me and always have some curt, snide remark to me, always getting in little “digs” and cutting me down with hurtful snarky comments. You blame me for everything and whenever I have any issues with anyone you have always taken their side and never mine. You have never stood up for me or defended me.For this I hate you with a passion.

The only thing I learned from you is what NOT to do and how not to raise kids. You never loved me and never taught me how to love. You never taught me anything, incl. social and life skills(eg.banking, taxes, paying bills,etc.) and I desperately needed that with my Asperger’s but you didn’t care; you were always too busy working and were never home. You never did care about me or what I wanted or needed.I got more love and kindness from strangers than I ever did from you. Even when I tell you how deeply you hurt me(and continue to do) it still makes no difference.You are just an evil person and you will never change. All I can do to “defend” myself is have secret evil thoughts. You left me to be a broken  socially inept emotional cripple that is ill-equipped for life. I was raised without love or nurturing.

You should have been the one that loved me the most, not the one that loved me least.You were never a mother to me.Even now you still continue to make my life a living hell, living with us and refusing to move out despite my pleas. You have destroyed my life and are like a cancerous tumour I need to cut out of my life before it destroys me completely.You are toxic and I need to remove you from my life for my own emotional well-being. All you do is constantly kick me down and belittle me.Even as an adult I’m still not free of you and I wish I knew what I did that was so bad to deserve such hatred and mistreatment.My mere existance seems to annoy you, and the way you treat me fills me with such overflowing rage, fury,anger, resentment,and I just want to punch you right in the face and throttle you.No one brings out such rage in me like you do.

I also resent I  inherited your homely face, fat body, big build, deformed toes, ears, and big varicose veins on my legs. I look so much like you now I’m older and I hate myself for it.I hate and resent being born into a family that hates me.I wish I had never been born and I wish you weren’t my mother.You seem to delight in getting me mad, provoking,heckling and goading me,and then when I lash out in defence you go sobbing to my kids that I’M “mean” to YOU! I just want you to go away and get out of my life for good, whether you die or move out, I don’t care either way. It may sound harsh but what you have done to me is uncalled for and mean. No one should be made to feel about themselves the way you make me feel.There is so much I’ll never understand this side of Heaven but I do know you WILL be held accountable, even if you DO scoff at God’s laws. He still loves me even though you never could.You are the meanest person I know.

Sincerely, your suffering daughter.