Retro Rewind.

 I got a blast from the past! The 8 YR old reads the “Baby Sitter’s Club, Little Sister” books series and she has the one pictured here with a girl dressed in 1980’s clothes: turtleneck under a sweatshirt, rolled-up jeans and slouch socks, and that’s how I dressed then,too and reminds me of when I was a teenager, a time when my life still had hope, dreams,and promise, when I still had the possibility of an exciting future, filled with romance,love and opportunity,eagerly looked forward to…so much for that!

The past 22 years of my life and the next 10 years of my life are for the kids but after that it’s for me,and I hope to find my “place” and to find happiness and fulfillment.I’m sick of everyone always telling me I’m lazy, I don’t do anything, I don’t do any work, I don’t do my job,blame me for everything,say I’m a bad parent, and devalue,demean, degrade and dismiss me. My hubby also says with homeschooling I don’t do enough when he marks the 2 highschooler’s CD ROM lessons on the computer and teaches math past grade 3….when I teach all the OTHER kids all other subjects, all grade 8 and under, which is more intensive, one-on-one, time consuming, and more difficult,and he always downplays my efforts and  goes on about how much more “busier” he is than I am and how he does more work, and I have more free time, etc. when we both do, it’s just different! He acts like I do nothing!

As well, my mother was in my way so I asked her to move and she snarls sarcastically to one of the kids, “Mama comes FIRST!”(actually, I come last) and the 16 YR old had me cut his long shaggy hair into a Buzz-cut for the summer heat and when I said, “You look older now!” he snickered to me,”You look like  a man!” I can’t even compliment him without him insulting me,and both my hubby and mother always take eachother’s sides and gang-up on me,too and sneer that it’s “stupid” how I mute occult or other bad things on the TV news or “Jeopardy!” categories(loser sports as well) but that’s what the mute button is FOR! Everything I say or do is always ridiculed and mocked.My mere existance is an invitation for scorn,criticism, and contempt by them.

They also make fun of me for my limitations also, such as being scared and  not wanting to close the heavy wooden windows for fear with my luck it’ll come crashing down on my fingers and chop them off(which almost did happen to me when I was a kid) and think I “use” my Social Phobia as an “excuse” to not have to talk to people on the phone, go places, or do things that require inter-acting with other people, so they’re “stuck” having to do it instea.,but guess what? I didn’t choose to be this way and I don’t want to be and wish I wasn’t and no amount of ridiculing and making fun of me will change anything; it just makes me feel even worse about myself.

I have to stop “abusing” myself as well; constant dieting,self-loathing,feeling inferior, and always wishing I was dead.I have to find some self-worth and value in myself. I have to get rid of the negativity in my life, and that incl. toxic family members who just put me down and make me feel badly and hate myself even more. At the time I thought my teen years sucked but they were pretty good actually compared to now. I didn’t have all the issues and traumas then or the worries,anxieties, fears, and maltreatment from my family like I do now. Then I still  had optimism and hope, I was anticipating a bright future and a happy family, but little did I know that the best had already occurred and was already behind me, and that what was yet to come would conspire against me to destroy me.