I want to break free.Break free from my life,from myself, and from my family. I want out. Sometimes I want to stop being “good” and just be happy. My life as it is now stifles and prohibits me; I have too many adversaries, challenges, limits,obligations, restrictions,failures,and hassles but I want out. Now. I want to start over; a new life, a new beginning, a fresh start.I seek oblivion from the world.
My kids have been turned against me by my controlling, meddling,and over-bearing mother. Her excuse(as everything’s always MY fault, never hers) is “They don’t like you because you’re a bitch!” The kids now even go “tell” on me to her as well when I say or do something they don’t like and go “above” me to her as well. The other day when I told off the 13 YR old for being mouthy she smirked to him(for my benefit, knowing I could hear)”You KNOW you can’t express an opinion!” He is not a “nice” person” either and everything that comes out of his mouth is mouthy, mean, insulting,and sarcastic and he sneers,”That’s how I AM!” and I told him,”Then change how you are, because I don’t like it!”
He’s always getting away with it too(only I punish him) and both my mother and hubby see nothing wrong with how he(and the 16 YR old,too, who laughed at me,”YOU of ALL people can’t call anyone stupid!”) treats me and lets him mouth-off ,be disrespectful and insult me. An example of being mouthy is when he snickered,”I can see your lips moving but I don’t HEAR anything!” I think it’s back-talk but my hubby shrugged and didn’t think so. I think he gets away with so much since he had cancer; like they’re trying to “over-compensate” for it or something, but it’s not right, and he’s mean and mouthy and he shouldn’t talk to me like that yet no one ever backs me up and I have no authority.My rules don’t count and my opinions don’t matter.
I’m also just so tired of being blamed for everything and having no support. No one ever backs me up or is on my “side”(my mom hisses it’s because I’m “always wrong!”) and I want out for good and out of this family that hates me and treats me like crap. Only the 8 YR old loves me and obeys me and the other kids resent, hate,and shun her for it.My mother hates her for loving me as well, and the ones that give me the most trouble(and that I’m least close to) are the ones she likes the best, and the one that DOES love me and is close to me she hates the most. I see a sick pattern here.It’s like she’s “rewarding” them for not loving me and “punishing” them FOR loving me; she doesn’t want anyone to love me, not even my own kids.She “buys” their affection,too.I feel so outcast and so alone.
I am also sick of struggling with everything all the time and it wears me down.I hate it that life’s always so hard for me, and nothing works out for me or goes right, and I hate being fat, ugly and dumb.My hubby rubs it in my face as well (how things always go wrong for me) and gloats that EVERYTHING goes right for HIM, and when something didn’t and I pointed it out he snapped I was “being snotty!”I also can’t figure out math for stuff and thought cooking that 2 cups was 200ml and when I have to “half” a recipe I can’t figure out what’s half of 1/4 for example and have struggles with time as well, not able to apply the math, such as can’t figure out how long it is from 8:25 to 9:00, and thinking 10:40 meant 40 minutes until 11am, etc. my whole LIFE is like that and simple everyday things for other people are complex challenges for me and I can’t do it anymore. I want to break away.How many things can conspire against me until I’m completely and utterly shattered beyond repair? When will my suffering ever end?