My New Plan, Revised Version.

I am still desolate that my plan for a retreat at the ashram has been thwarted but now I have re-assessed and have a new revised plan as I wait for a vacancy to open up, whether it be a month, a few months, or even a year or more. I looked into another place(run by the same group) not too far from the original one  and sent them an e-mail to see if they have a women’s ashram(or if they just have a temple) and if not, someone else in the province that does. I also decided in the meantime to try and do my best to covert my bedroom into my own little “ashram” with a serene calming ambience, incl. incense, candles,devotional pictures, etc. as a quiet contemplative place where I can pray, think, relax, unwind, de-stress and get away from the chaos in my life; where I can isolate myself and shut the world out.It’s not as good as the real thing but it will have to do in the meantime and sometime the call will come that there is an opening at the ashram and I can go; it gives me a future plan and something to look forward to.It’s not like I can’t ever go; I just can’t go NOW.I can still have hope and just try to hold on in the meantime until the time comes.

Dismayed.

 After 5 long-distance phonecall tries finally reached the lady who runs the women’s ashram and just my typical luck:it’s full and they have no spare room and won’t for the foreseeable future. It figures. NOTHING can ever just work out or go right for me. I invested so much into this emotionally(my family just thinks I merely needed a break but going to the ashram would literally save my life) and this was my only and last hope and now I have nothing. I don’t even have this. I asked them to let me know if and when there’s an opening but it’s not looking hopeful. I won’t be going and I’m shattered. This always happens; I look forward to something and it doesn’t work out.Everything always has to go wrong and rob me of hope.

I am so bummed out. I have lost all hope now and am so discouraged.I don’t know what’s worse either: to not go and to never try and to miss out on an opportunity, or to go but fail and have to come back home in defeat.I also can’t figure out if this blow means that it’s not meant to be or just yet more of my bad luck.( I don’t know how NOT being able to go on a much-needed spiritual retreat wouldn’t be meant to be.)I really needed this badly and now what will I do? Where will I go? I have no other options. I’m stuck here and it seems like forever. There is nothing else; no way out of my life.I am doomed to a life of unhappiness.I feel like a prisoner who keeps waiting for a parole that he’ll never see.I just hope I didn’t waste $$$ on my saris all for nothing; that at SOME point later I can still go, even in a few months or years….

I wonder as well if perhaps my medical issues(Asperger’s, Social Phobia, chronic cramps and diarrhea(possible colitis?) high BP, low blood sugar, headaches, breathing problems, bad back, etc.) would even interfere with my life and duties at the ashram? If I went would I only have to return home? If I had to only stay awhile and return would that constitute a failure, or just a life lesson and experience, and when I feel I’m ready I would just go home? I do worry I might fail there, be incompetent and struggle to keep up, just as I have in every instance, all my life, but I at least wanted to TRY and I need to get away. Now the hope and excitement of a brighter future is gone. Now I am right back to where I started and more pissed off at yet something else that didn’t go right for me or work out. I really and truly think I am cursed and am not meant to be happy. I also think I’ll be here forever and never escape or have a chance at a new life or a new beginning. I am caged like an animal.

My Saris Arrived!

 My saris arrived! I had to pay an additional 27$ in duty tax(this country sucks, and if they had what I wanted here I wouldn’t have had to order it elsewhere, duh!) I practiced wrapping them but with the pleats and bunched up fabric it made me look even FATTER than I already am(I’m the only person wearing a sari I ever saw that looks so fat!) and my arse is enormous! I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or if it’s just because I AM fat! It was very depressing.

As well, I am getting discouraged about ever going to the ashram; my e-mails have still never been answered so my son tried to phone them(with my Social Phobia I get panic attacks talking on the phone) 3 times and he’s still not able to get a hold of the woman in charge of the women’s ashram! I am losing hope and fear I’ll never be able to go! This is the only hope I have left. Sometimes it just seems so impossible and unlikely and what if I fail at this too(esp. when things don’t go well or work out for me) and it doesn’t work out for me, just like everything else in my life? What if I can’t survive with so many rules and I just get so confused and flounder and they kick me out for incompetence or something? There seems to be so many no-no’s and faux pas I worry I might not be up for it. I have learned in life that my best still isn’t good enough. What if I don’t fit in? I just want to be happy and to find peace. I want a simple, minimalist austere spiritual life but what if they don’t have any space for me, or what if I DO go but I fail? Then what? I at least want to try but what if I don’t even get that far? I don’t exactly have good luck and things don’t exactly go right for me so I have reason to worry.

The Ugly Green Carpet.

 Our porch  carpet had been all chewed apart by the stupid dogs and my hubby said he’d replace it last year and of course he never did and then it was to be this spring, and now he FINALLY got around to doing it, well, sort of…a week ago he stripped off the old one and took down the fence leaving it looking like a slum. Now he finally got the carpet…but of course he got the wrong one; it was supposed to be the astroturf stuff with the fibres/little “hairs” sticking out of it and instead he got this ugly green carpet. I hate it.

Of course for us nothing can ever go right, easy, without incident, or be done on time, and to make it worse is my hubby is such an obsessive perfectionist so everything has to be “perfect”(whereas for me good enough is good enough) and there’s always something: this time he ran out of glue….and then his drill broke, and then he broke part of the gate,and decided instead of putting the old fence(which is perfectly fine)back  he decided to do an entirely new fence as well, costing more $$$$ and taking even more time! Then he found he didn’t know how to do the curved steps….so will likely have to end up painting them instead…..meaning more cost and time…need masonry  primer and paint and supplies….meaning even more delays and it drives me crazy! I just want it back to the way it was; leaving it all cluttered and undone drives me up the wall! We’ll be lucky if this is done in 1-2 weeks!(he’d promised me it would be done in 2 days. Yeah, right) Nothing can ever just go right or go smoothly for us.I hate it he always has to complicate things and make things harder than they have to be.Now I regret he even started it; should have just left it with the holes in; this is ridiculous and so not worth it! The LAST thing I need in my life is even MORE stress!

I would just do it myself if I could, but I’m useless(as I’m always being reminded of) and it’s “man’s work” and my hubby and son jeer at me it’s “not my thing” that “work isn’t my thing” and yell at and berate me for getting mad and for not being able to do it. When I suggested we should have just hired a professional to install it who KNOWS what he’s doing, and it would be done quicker, in like just 1-2 DAYS instead of 1-2 WEEKS and would prevent all this bickering and hostility over it he got REALLY scathing mad and yelling and  screaming at me. I’m so tired of this shit. Now I’m at the point that I don’t even CARE anymore if he does it or not. I’m done. I’m done with always being stressed, disappointed, blamed, belittled, hassled, etc. I’m done with this family and this life. I am so despondent and desperately unhappy I HAVE to get out.I came so close to killing myself again today. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know WHY he thinks he can do everything himself and when it goes wrong(as things always do for us) somehow it’s always MY fault and he blames me.Fuck it.

“You Complain Alot!”

 “You complain alot!” That was what my brother-in-law posted on my Facebook page. He’s right, I do, BUT I also think with my life and everything I’ve been thru and am going thru that I merit the right to and that if he had my life he’d complain too! He also added that “having wonderful kids and travelling the world can’t be that tough a life” and then I felt insulted; that’s only what he sees on the outside; he has no idea of the turmoil on the inside, how much pain my heart secretly holds. Having kids and travelling doesn’t make one “immune” to unhappiness, either; just because you have kids and get to travel doesn’t guarantee happiness.They are not exclusive to one another.Anyone can be unhappy, and for various reasons.

After all my struggles, traumas, bad luck, depression,looks, etc. I think it’s entirely understandable that I complain and his comments sound like my mother’s; that I don’t have the “right” to be unhappy and to complain. She also gave me white chocolate which I have NEVER liked in my entire 44 years and she should KNOW this, but she doesn’t even know me and doesn’t even care enough to know. Of course as always she twisted it all around and turned it on to me and blamed me. She said she’s tired of hearing me always complain but how does she think “I* feel living it?

It just goes to show that no one REALLY knows what other people’s lives are really like and the inner struggles they face and what they go thru.Everyone has a “dark” side and things other people don’t know about them, their families,and their lives. Nothing is a guarantee of a happy life; like the movie stars; they’re beautiful, rich and famous and  have anything $$$$ can buy yet many of them are deeply unhappy people; something is missing from their lives. $$ and fame and fortune do not guarantee happiness. These are material things and that’s not what it’s all about. People don’t know others’ secret pain. On the outside it may look like you have it all, you might look happy, but inside you are dying. ANYONE has the “right” to be unhappy no matter how “fortunate” they may appear on the outside,and most often the people that complain the most are the most unhappy in life.

Always Disappointed.

 It seems I am always disappointed in life. Like, for instance, I had told my hubby to pick up some taffy apples(with the red crunchy coating) and he ended up getting caramel(chewy brown coating) apples  instead.I even TOLD him twice to get the RED ones and NOT the brown ones!! He can’t even be trusted to get the right thing and as always I end up let down and disappointed. It never fails, when I get excited or look forward to something it doesn’t work out.I hope for the best but expect the worst as that’s what I always get!

We also got the new Cub Scout uniform and it’s so UGLY! I liked the old brown one with the collar and buttons and red sash; it looked professional but the new one is an ugly grey(so ugly I couldn’t even find it on Google images, no one bothered to put it up!) it looks cheap, like a rag or something that crawled out of the Goodwill box. Why DO they always have to go and change everything anyway? Why couldn’t they just keep the same one as before? Very rarely when they change things does it end up for the better; most times it’s much worse!

The pool is also green with algae again despite all the hard work I put into it daily and it’s so discouraging. I should just give up and forget about it; what a waste of time; I put in all this effort for no results, and still no reply from the ashram either and I am losing hope; that was my only and last hope and if I can’t go there it’s hopeless and  I have nothing left. My hubby also said he’s re-doing the shitty porch carpet and ripped it out a week ago and the slummy-looking concrete’s still out there with the fences off and everything cluttering the lawn….and he hasn’t even bought the new carpet yet! He always dawdles and everything takes forever with him and it gets me so MAD! I HATE it looking like this all messy and undone and no fence around the pool is also a safety hazard! He should have just hired someone to do it and then it would have only taken 1-2 days! Then he screams at me that he’s doing it on HIS schedule, NOT mine. I just don’t think he should be taking this long to do it and he shouldn’t have ripped out the old one or taken the fences off until he actually HAS the new carpet and is ready to install it!

I am just so tired of always being depressed, angry, stressed, disappointed,resentful, short-changed, unlucky, and hopeless in life. Nothing ever changes or improves. There never seems to be any hope and going away to the ashram for a break from my life was all I had and now even that’s not looking too promising. If I DO go, however, I think I’ll stay for good and not return(why come back when I’d just be coming back to the same old shit anyway? Things will never change). What’s the point in even coming back when I don’t want to be here and no one else wants me here either? It’ll be better for everyone with me gone.I’m just so tired of always being disappointed and feeling like this all the time.

The Perfect Storm.

 We had a monster storm 2 nights ago! We even had a tornado watch. We never got the tornado but did get one of the biggest storms we’ve ever had! We had constant and loud thunder and lightening back-to-back and it lasted for 4 HRS.! (A typical thunderstorm lasts under an hour) and it was really close too: based on that old method of counting when you see lightening and how many seconds pass until you hear thunder  it shows you how many miles away it is; the thunder came right after the lightening with NO space at all in-between so it was right on top of us! It was non-stop and lit up the whole sky.People will be talking about this one for a long time!!

They said on the news that our province got a total of 70 000 lightening strikes over those few short hours and Toronto’s CN Tower got hit with lightening 75 times in an hour and it typically gets hit 75 times in a year! As well, 10 funnel clouds were spotted with 5 actual  tornadoes and the Ex even closed 2 HRS early at 9pm due to the tornado watch! This sure was one big-ass storm and it was so loud, with torrential rain.Trees were uprooted and winds were 100km/HR.It woke me up(started here around 11:20 pm) and kept on waking me up. It makes me wonder if it maybe has anything to do with the category 4 hurricane now churning in the Atlantic….speaking of which, I’m sure glad we were in the Caribbean in April and NOT now!! Whew!

The Summer Of ’88.

 I saw a motorcycle and it made me think of Glen. I fell hard for him the summer of 1988, in August to be exact.(I had met my now-hubby that June too but we were just friends at the time) I was 21. He was 9 years older than me, 6 feet tall, an electrician and looked like James Dean. We met at the YMCA and he’d take me for rides on his motorcycle, we’d hang out at my house and at his, he took me dancing and we went to the beach and walked along the shore and sat up on a big rock and ate ice cream. I anxiously waited in anticipation every day for him to call. I couldn’t figure out why he’d even give someone like me the time of day.I couldn’t believe my luck!

I really liked him and was hoping he’d kiss me,although I was scared and nervous too as  didn’t have any experience with guys. (I even wondered what if would be like to have lost my virginity to him, but of course I didn’t and it was  wrong to want!) but sadly he never did; he only liked me as a friend. He was always criticizing me and telling me how to improve my looks, my hair, my clothes, etc. and trying to set me up with his friend who was a PhD in laser physics but was also the most arrogant person I have ever met! My fun with him only lasted that one month but I never forgot it or forgot him. The last I’d heard years ago he was shacking up with someone, but he wasn’t the right type to marry anyway; he didn’t want kids and he was always out every night at the gym and with his friends and wouldn’t have had time fora family but I still think of him the odd time, and I hope he’s happy and that he’s settled down and has a family.

My true love, however, I loved from age 16-20 and he only liked me as friend too. When I moved we wrote letters to eachother all the time and he even travelled 2 HRS to come visit me in the winter! When I told him one day how I felt, that I loved him(I honestly thought he was The One, and the one I would marry) he stopped all contact with me and I never heard from him again. I found out later he has a Masters degree now in Business and Finance and is most likely gay. Doesn’t it figure. When I tried to reconnect on Facebook(like I tried with many old friends, just to catch up) he blocked me. I never had much luck with guys! I’ve never had much luck with LIFE.

Random Thoughts.

 I am happy to hear Libya will soon have democracy and freedom and that the freedom fighters have all but toppled a long-held dictatorship. They fought long and hard for 6 months and it’s inspiring that sometimes the “little people” DO win; a modern-day “David vs Goliath” story. I hope and pray for peace and political change in the Middle East. I liked it when I was there; I loved the exotic smells of the spice markets, the bazaars, the calls of the minarets, the hustle and bustle of the marketplace.

I saw so many pretty people at the Ex and it got me thinking how unfair it really is that some people can be so pretty when I ended up looking like this. I hate being ugly fat and stupid; I hate looking like this and feeling like this. My mother sneered I “should just accept” my looks but I can’t. I wish I wasn’t me.I always end up with the short end of the stick in life.No matter what I do I will always be doomed to be ugly and fat unless I miraculously get $$$$ and can have gastric bypass and cosmetic surgery.There’s still no cure for stupid though unfortunately.

My mother also said she won’t miss me when I leave for the ashram or my “freaking out” due to my extreme unhappiness. Now my only happiness are memories. After 22 YRS of staying home with the kids and homeschooling I’m burned out. I need to re-invent a new life for myself. I just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes I don’t even think I even WANT to be a mother anymore even though I know how horrible that is. That only makes me hate myself even more and proves I’m a bad mother even more.Me moving out will also sort of be like a divorce in a way although our family was broken long before it came to this.

My mother and hubby also blame me why they always hassle me, instead of it being that they’re always ganging-up on me.It’s even my own fault for being victimized and blamed too.That’s one of the reasons suicide looks like such a nice option: that way I am no longer me.The only real way out. I no longer will have this face or this body. I will be re-newed.No matter where I go or what I do I can’t run away from myself.I can never escape me and who I am  and how I look and I will always be here with me unless I die. I don’t think anyone in history has ever hated themselves as much as I hate myself. I am unlovable. No one loves me and I sure as hell don’t love myself. How can I when I look like this? My looks have destroyed my life or any chance of a healthy self-esteem or happiness. I have always been hated and bullied and impaired in life due to it. I am so tired of always struggling.

Let’s Go To The Ex!

 We went to the Ex and had a good day but it was so much walking, and alot of driving(many hours) and we were gone like 12 HRS so I’m exhausted and my feet, legs, and back just hurt so much and I’m all stiff and sore! The kids mainly went on the rides and I looked at the vendors in the buildings. I also got a free BP and pulse check and my BP is still high (163/96) and so was my pulse(102) when the average for BP is 120/80 and pulse in the 60’s. I’m officially medically stressed-out too. Big surprise.

I also saw a guy there who looked like Norman, a guy I loved when I was 15 and who knows, it very well might have been him; it WAS the same city! When I got my lunch a vendor also called me “Sir” and it’s not because I’m bald either as I was wearing a hat; I just look like a man in general. There was also a 5.8 earthquake as far away as Virginia and they were to have felt it where we were too but with the Ex always so loud and thumping I never noticed a thing! 🙂

We were thinking of stopping off at the ashram on the way there as well but decided against it as they don’t have any parking and we’re not even sure if it’s open for anyone to answer after all that anyway; my hubby will just phone them later.My hubby was also mad at me I went home so “early” even though I was so tired and sore I could hardly even walk anymore and as usual we fought during the long car ride which is why I hate going anywhere with him.