Hopelessness And Despair.

Another day, another battle.Now I caught our 15 YR sneaking out wearing her freakish Goth/Punk clothes that I forbid her to wear in public. This is the 2nd time I’ve caught her sneaking out wearing them(she has to dress normal in public, not too much to ask) and of course my hubby over-ruled me and lets her so I just took them away. What else can I DO? My mother also whispered to her that she can buy her new ones behind my back) and if so I’ll just confiscate them as well. I am sick of always being defied and under-mined.I just can’t do this anymore.The kids don’t even obey me or listen to me. I have no “say” and am always outnumbered. My hubby then raged that I’m “driving away all the kids” but thanks to my mother(who turned the kids against me) they hate me anyway, so what’s the difference. Then my hubby tells me that me being bald I’m a freak too and blaming me that I’m always wrong, etc. that’s why everyone is always against me. I’m not doing this anymore. I want out.I can’t do this anymore.I have reached a breaking point.I’m done.

I told my hubby that the way I see it(as there has to be changes) there are 3 options: either(the best choice) my mother moves out, I move out, or I commit suicide because I’m not living like this anymore.I’ve had enough. I’m tired of always being blamed for everything, never having any support, being ganged-up on,mocked, defied, ridiculed, over-ruled and undermined. I hate having no authority or say in my own home and always feeling  helpless, powerless, hopeless and alone. He said if I moved out I’m on my own; that they’re not helping me; I have to get my own food, pay my own bills etc. things he knows I’m not capable of; with my Asperger’s and Social Phobia I have no life skills, work skills, or social skills. I can’t survive on my own and I’d need them to pay my bills and bring me food….but they refuse and my mother said she refuses to move out, so that just leaves one option left…

I am so close to killing myself. I can feel myself slipping off the edge. I see it as the only way out; the only way to end my pain. Things will never change. My hubby and mother refuse to consider any options to ease my struggle. They just  blame me and said everyone is on one side and I’m on the other is that I’m always wrong. They refuse to make any changes or to help me.When I said I plan on taking pills  and soon I’ll be out of here the 13 YR old and 16 YR old were happy and cheered, “Yeah! Hooray!” they are driving me to it.Just like my mother said the kids want me to leave, so they’ll be glad with me gone. With me gone everyone will be happy, be better off,and get what they want.My mother will have total control and have the kids to herself without me in the way, the kids will be rid of me and I’m the one who has rules and disciplines so without me they can run wild,and I will be “free”, away from a family and a life that hates me and that I hate. Even if I moved I’d still be me; I’d still look and feel like this.I’d still be ugly, fat, stupid, and have no love or support.

It’s sad that out of my 44 years of life I’ve only been happy for 10 years. That’s 34 years of not being happy. Life isn’t supposed to be like this and families aren’t supposed to be like this. I don’t even care anymore; I just can’t do this anymore and I want out. They don’t care either and are unwilling to try and compromise to help me. I think they want me dead too.I am already dead inside and I feel soon I will be dead on the outside as well.All I know is I’m not living like this anymore(and I can’t survive 10 more years until all the kids are grown) so however I have to get out, whatever I have to do,I’ll do it. I just want it to stop.I want to be at peace, I want the suffering and emotional pain to end and the only way is to remove myself from the equation however I have to do it.This is NOT living.Whatever consequences happen after that is no longer my problem and even though I know they’ll blame me for that too at least I won’t be here to hear it and whatever happens to me after it’ll be worth it and better than what  am now.At least I won’t be me anymore and I won’t have this miserable life.

Emotionally Crashing.

 I am sooo sick of the pool and all the work I have to do to maintain it. Now 2 big cement slabs fell off and I tried to fix them but of course it never worked.(paint is also peeling off the bottoms, tiles coming off the sides and concrete and sand coming off) but my hubby’s hardly here and when he is he says he’s busy,and we can’t afford to hire anyone to do repairs so it just has to fall apart.Everything is in disrepair, falling apart, broken and run down, not only the pool but also our chimney,couches, walls, ceilings, fences, carpet,cabinets,doors, trampoline,etc. all needing repairs we have no $$$$ to pay for and no time to fix. Our basement and recroom also smell like dead mice. I HATE our shit-hole house; it’s like a slum, like next door, and I wish I could move(except we can’t afford THAT,either!) and who’d actually BUY this shit-hole,anyway? We’d have trouble unloading it even at a loss! As for the pool I am so fed-up I just want to close it and shut it down!

I hate living sub-standard,and it’s just like our last house,which took 8 months to sell as it was all ruined, and the movers insulted us by saying it was the filthiest and messiest place they’d EVER seen and we were the biggest pigs ever. I was mortified, and  we are slobs I guess, but with all the kids you’d expect clutter and mess and we DO try to clean daily but we just can’t keep up with the mess.

On top of that, my mother told me to move out again(even though they’re MY kids; she’s taken over my family and pushing me out of the equation) and even sneered that the kids “voted” she stays and I go.My 16 YR old also always calls me stupid and says “It’s your fault for BEING stupid!”(and he calls my rules stupid as well and refuses to obey them or take his punishments; he’s out of control and won’t listen to me) and when I said I’m sick of always being blamed for everything all the time my 13 YR old smirked, “So you’re always right all the time and everyone else is wrong?” twisting it like always.He also says I “give up too easily” but I have been beaten down too much and emotionally crashing that I am almost past the point of no return.I hate my life. I hate looking like this and feeling like this. I hate this house. I hate this town. I hate my family. Nothing is good and I want out. I actually did come thisclose to killing myself. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t even remember what being happy even feels like anymore and can’t even remember the last time that I was.I am so sick of everything and there’s no hope for change. I KNOW I’m in bad shape as well as I don’t feel like eating, and I got a free book in the mail but looked it over and just tossed it aside thinking,”It looks stupid and boring” and I LOVE reading and am always eager for a new book to read.

When will things ever look up? I’m tired of always being hassled, ridiculed, blamed for everything, having no love or support,being over-ruled and under-mined, having my mother so over-bearing and cruel, of having everything always go wrong and never work out , of having everything we have a piece of shit, of always struggling and barely able to keep my head above water, and of hating everything about myself and my life. I need for my meddling mother to move out and to stop turning my own kids against me. I need to have a “voice” and feel valued and to want to live.This is not living. This is slowly dying inside.