The Ashram.

 I have another option to suicide: go to an ashram(Indian spiritual retreat) to re-evaluate my life, for a much-needed break and a place of prayer, peace, serenity, contemplation,and a quiet place away from the stresses and demands of life , away from my miserable life and sheltered from the sinful world. I don’t even have to go as far as India as I found one just a few hours away so family can visit(only my oldest and the 8 YR old will though; the others want me gone.) When I said I wanted to kill myself the 16 and 13 YR olds were glad and cheered, my hubby snorted I “won’t do it” but my 8 YR old was inconsolable, clinging to me and crying, and my oldest told me he loves me and said not to do it.Maybe I don’t have to die to escape; this is an alternative.

Going to an ashram is an alternative.Either way I have to get out. I know if I stay here I’ll be dead. I don’t want to leave the 8 YR old though; we are really close and she actually loves me and wants to be with me, unlike the others who are eager for me to leave. I’m torn NOT knowing if I CAN leave, not wanting to leave her. This will be the biggest decision I’ll have to make in my life. What would hurt her less: if I died or if I left? At least if I leave she can still visit me, but will she hate me the rest of my life for leaving her?(like my cousins; their mother left when they were young in the 80’s and they still hate her and want nothing to do with her.) How do I decide if I do what’s best for her….or what’s best for me? Will she understand I have to leave to get better? She certainly KNOWS how miserable I am and cries “Why is everyone so mean to you?” and “Why are you so sad?” so she notices, but if I leave I fear it will devastate her as we’re so close. I don’t HAVE to go but I feel I need to, whether for a month, a YR, or even longer I don’t know; I’ll just take it day by day, but even if I ever did come back nothing would change; I would end up returning to exactly where I am now.I just wish she could come with me but it’s adults only.If it weren’t for her I would have left years ago.She is the only thing keeping me here and keeping me alive for that matter.The earliest I’d leave is September after my son’s visit. I told my mother if I leave she’ll have to homeschool the kids and she smirked it will be “worth it” to get rid of me. “Nice”,huh? If by chance it doesn’t work out I can always come back until I figure something else out, like perhaps missionary work in Africa or something.

I am excited to now have some hope and an alternative to dying,and even just having that option cheers me with optimism and hope that I didn’t have before. I have to check more into it, but it looks good and it’s a moral community as well with strict rules and guidelines: no sex, smoking, alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Men and women are kept separate for worship and living quarters.They provide my room and meals so I don’t have to worry about having to survive on my own; no worries about having to pay bills, maintain a place,shop, etc.They wake every day at 4 am for prayers.It will be my perfect escape and also allowing me personal private time alone with God. I can deepen my spirituality and at the same time get a much needed break from my family that belittles me and  from my life.This can be a new beginning for me,and maybe, just maybe, I can learn how to actually be happy again….all I know is I have to separate myself from this toxic environment or I won’t survive….

My Mock Suicide Note.

Just in case, I have a mock suicide note, to explain why I finally put an end to it all as I can feel it inching closer:

To Whom It May Concern,

I have put an end to it because I can’t take the torment of my miserable life anymore. I have had enough of having no love or support from my family, always being blamed for everything, being over-ruled, under-mined, mocked, ridiculed, hassled, dismissed and defied.I am sick of being devalued and made to feel like I don’t matter and am always least important. I have no authority over my own kids. I feel helpless, powerless, trapped, defeated, alone,and bereft. I have had enough of my mother’s hateful nastiness, taking over everything, over-stepping boundaries with my kids, interfering, turning them against me and always telling me to leave and that the kids want me gone.I am sick of her cruel barbs and that my hubby always sides with her and never stands up to her or defends me. I am sick of being ugly, fat and stupid, always being called names by the kids and  of looking and feeling like this. There is nothing in my life that I like, no joy, no happiness, and no hope for change. I am always ganged-up on and blamed for everything. My kids hate me and only the 8 YR old loves me. I am tired of my constant bad luck and misfortunes and nothing ever working out or going right. Everything always goes wrong for me.My family refuses to do anything to try and help me(such as helping me move out) and just says I’m the one who has to change and it’s my fault all the time.Everyone hates me and wants to get rid of me.This way everyone gets what they want and will be happy and better off.I am tired of always feeling so fearful, anxious, worried and depressed.Multiple traumas have also damaged me beyond repair. Life is flat and dark and I hate having Asperger’s and Social Phobia which makes every day for me a constant struggle. I can only think of so many reasons why I should die and none why I shouldn’t.I  just want the pain to end.I want to stop being me.

 

I also have another option as well: to leave for a year(maybe more) and re-evaluate my life; either go live on an ashram(either in India or one closer), or perhaps go do relief work in Somalia where the need is great for famine victims. I have to get out of this toxic family and this emotionally damaging environment some way, either suicide or otherwise. Maybe I don’t have to die to escape(although it is an option I am still strongly considering), but either way I want out; I’m not doing this anymore and living like this…

 

As well, a little while later I caught the 15 YR old once AGAIN sneaking wearing her freak clothes I told her she doesn’t wear out in public. So she took it off and stuck it in her pocket and as soon as I was out of range she put it back on again, so I took it as well. I also know she has another like it(with skulls on it) that she’s hiding and denies she has.I am so sick of this. What compels her to overtly defy me like this? My hubby and mother also hate it that I have expectations for the kids, that I have morals, standards and rules.We also found the “dead mouse smell” in the rec-room: it WAS a dead mouse on the shelf! I hate my life.