I have another option to suicide: go to an ashram(Indian spiritual retreat) to re-evaluate my life, for a much-needed break and a place of prayer, peace, serenity, contemplation,and a quiet place away from the stresses and demands of life , away from my miserable life and sheltered from the sinful world. I don’t even have to go as far as India as I found one just a few hours away so family can visit(only my oldest and the 8 YR old will though; the others want me gone.) When I said I wanted to kill myself the 16 and 13 YR olds were glad and cheered, my hubby snorted I “won’t do it” but my 8 YR old was inconsolable, clinging to me and crying, and my oldest told me he loves me and said not to do it.Maybe I don’t have to die to escape; this is an alternative.
Going to an ashram is an alternative.Either way I have to get out. I know if I stay here I’ll be dead. I don’t want to leave the 8 YR old though; we are really close and she actually loves me and wants to be with me, unlike the others who are eager for me to leave. I’m torn NOT knowing if I CAN leave, not wanting to leave her. This will be the biggest decision I’ll have to make in my life. What would hurt her less: if I died or if I left? At least if I leave she can still visit me, but will she hate me the rest of my life for leaving her?(like my cousins; their mother left when they were young in the 80’s and they still hate her and want nothing to do with her.) How do I decide if I do what’s best for her….or what’s best for me? Will she understand I have to leave to get better? She certainly KNOWS how miserable I am and cries “Why is everyone so mean to you?” and “Why are you so sad?” so she notices, but if I leave I fear it will devastate her as we’re so close. I don’t HAVE to go but I feel I need to, whether for a month, a YR, or even longer I don’t know; I’ll just take it day by day, but even if I ever did come back nothing would change; I would end up returning to exactly where I am now.I just wish she could come with me but it’s adults only.If it weren’t for her I would have left years ago.She is the only thing keeping me here and keeping me alive for that matter.The earliest I’d leave is September after my son’s visit. I told my mother if I leave she’ll have to homeschool the kids and she smirked it will be “worth it” to get rid of me. “Nice”,huh? If by chance it doesn’t work out I can always come back until I figure something else out, like perhaps missionary work in Africa or something.
I am excited to now have some hope and an alternative to dying,and even just having that option cheers me with optimism and hope that I didn’t have before. I have to check more into it, but it looks good and it’s a moral community as well with strict rules and guidelines: no sex, smoking, alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Men and women are kept separate for worship and living quarters.They provide my room and meals so I don’t have to worry about having to survive on my own; no worries about having to pay bills, maintain a place,shop, etc.They wake every day at 4 am for prayers.It will be my perfect escape and also allowing me personal private time alone with God. I can deepen my spirituality and at the same time get a much needed break from my family that belittles me and from my life.This can be a new beginning for me,and maybe, just maybe, I can learn how to actually be happy again….all I know is I have to separate myself from this toxic environment or I won’t survive….