I am excited about my spiritual retreat to the ashram but I am torn as well having to leave behind my 8 YR old who I am particularly close to. I just hope she doesn’t hate me for leaving and understands that I have to get away to get better. I will tell myself it’s like when I go away on vacation(just a really LONG one), only this way she actually gets to visit me! It will be a “mental health” vacation. I feel like a failure though telling myself, “What kind of mother leaves her kids?” and I feel badly but I also know for my own sanity that I have to get away, and me being suicidal and all the discord, conflict, bickering, battles, yelling and fighting all the time isn’t good for anyone, her incl.

My hubby estimates I’ll probably be gone a month and my mother thinks 4 months at the least but hopes indefinitely.I have no set plan or time frame; just take one day at a time and see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out or I get horribly homesick at least I know that I can come back, however things will have to change, mainly my mother has to stop interfering, meddling, taking over, over-ruling and under-mining me and the 13 and 16 YR olds have to stop being so cruel to me. If everything will still be the same when I come back then there’s no point in me ever returning. It makes me feel sad though that this is my home yet they want me gone.I am excited to go but sad at the same time. I know it’s something I need to do and what is best for everyone, I just don’t know how long.I just hope that I will find happiness and peace there and that it won’t be yet another one of my failures.

I like how the ashram has strong moral rules as well: no sex, drinking, smoking, drugs or gambling. They don’t eat meat either(neither do I) and it only costs 300$ a month and that incl. room, food and laundry. There are classes,lectures, and courses available there, philosophical discussions, guest speakers,as well as worship, prayers, singing and reading. They have a library and a reading room.They rise at 4am and have 2 meals a day so I’ll lose weight as well(a much-needed bonus); a spiritual fat-farm! There are quiet peaceful places for reflection, meditation,solitude and prayer; exactly what I need.The required clothing for women is the sari(it IS Indian afterall!) which I have no problem with as I have always thought they are beautiful. I have ordered 7 of them online( 1 for each day of the week) and will pack as if I’m going on a trip. It will be like being away at university in a way too! I guess in time everyone will adjust to the change as well just like we did when our oldest left for university; at first we really missed him and it was hard but over time it was just the way it was and we got used to it.I wonder what my hubby will tell people(at church for example) if people start asking where I am? Will he say, “oh, my wife had a breakdown and ran off to an ashram” or simply say I “went away for awhile?”

I am excited and looking forward to going but sad to leave behind the 8 YR old who I know will really miss me(and I’ll miss her).The others won’t care and they’ll be glad I’m gone! Perhaps if and when I return they will be a bit nicer? I hope to go in September, assuming they have a spot for me.If not I’ll go on a waiting list.I really need this sabbatical from my life.

London Is Burning.

 London is burning and in a total state of anarchy for the past few days with rioting, vandalism, looting ,violence and overall mayhem. Sadly such occurrances are becoming more popular all over the world, people are increasingly dissatisfied ,hopeless, living in poverty, broken neighbourhoods, high unemployment, little chance for higher education or financial security and they are rioting and rebelling. I certainly don’t agree with it of course, but I can see the reasons that instigate it.A poor economy was also responsible for the rise of the Nazis in WWII. Typically in ghettos and poverty and sub-standard living create chaos. Similar riots happened here recently as well, in Toronto with the G20 summit last year(that began as a protest) and the drunken hockey losers(just being typical rednecks) in Vancouver. Nowhere is immune. The entire world is falling apart and such disasters were prophecized in the Bible as occurring in the Last Days.

I was in London a few years ago and left just 2-3 days before the terrorist bombing hit. My hotel was on that exact same street and I was on the double-decker tour buses going down that street. It is chilling how close I possibly came to a terrorist attack. Now the riots. I hope they call in the army actually to restore peace and order. Chavs and yobs like that should not be taking over the streets. Some vandals were even as young as 10 and 11 years old. Just kids.Kids are being raised without discipline, morals and rules nowadays and are running wild. People were killed. Angry citizens want to take their streets back from the hooligans and I hope and pray that the madness will soon end and be under control and order once again. I am not for oppressive measures, trampling on freedoms or police brutality(like at the G20) but don’t support anarchy either.