I am excited about my spiritual retreat to the ashram but I am torn as well having to leave behind my 8 YR old who I am particularly close to. I just hope she doesn’t hate me for leaving and understands that I have to get away to get better. I will tell myself it’s like when I go away on vacation(just a really LONG one), only this way she actually gets to visit me! It will be a “mental health” vacation. I feel like a failure though telling myself, “What kind of mother leaves her kids?” and I feel badly but I also know for my own sanity that I have to get away, and me being suicidal and all the discord, conflict, bickering, battles, yelling and fighting all the time isn’t good for anyone, her incl.
My hubby estimates I’ll probably be gone a month and my mother thinks 4 months at the least but hopes indefinitely.I have no set plan or time frame; just take one day at a time and see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out or I get horribly homesick at least I know that I can come back, however things will have to change, mainly my mother has to stop interfering, meddling, taking over, over-ruling and under-mining me and the 13 and 16 YR olds have to stop being so cruel to me. If everything will still be the same when I come back then there’s no point in me ever returning. It makes me feel sad though that this is my home yet they want me gone.I am excited to go but sad at the same time. I know it’s something I need to do and what is best for everyone, I just don’t know how long.I just hope that I will find happiness and peace there and that it won’t be yet another one of my failures.
I like how the ashram has strong moral rules as well: no sex, drinking, smoking, drugs or gambling. They don’t eat meat either(neither do I) and it only costs 300$ a month and that incl. room, food and laundry. There are classes,lectures, and courses available there, philosophical discussions, guest speakers,as well as worship, prayers, singing and reading. They have a library and a reading room.They rise at 4am and have 2 meals a day so I’ll lose weight as well(a much-needed bonus); a spiritual fat-farm! There are quiet peaceful places for reflection, meditation,solitude and prayer; exactly what I need.The required clothing for women is the sari(it IS Indian afterall!) which I have no problem with as I have always thought they are beautiful. I have ordered 7 of them online( 1 for each day of the week) and will pack as if I’m going on a trip. It will be like being away at university in a way too! I guess in time everyone will adjust to the change as well just like we did when our oldest left for university; at first we really missed him and it was hard but over time it was just the way it was and we got used to it.I wonder what my hubby will tell people(at church for example) if people start asking where I am? Will he say, “oh, my wife had a breakdown and ran off to an ashram” or simply say I “went away for awhile?”
I am excited and looking forward to going but sad to leave behind the 8 YR old who I know will really miss me(and I’ll miss her).The others won’t care and they’ll be glad I’m gone! Perhaps if and when I return they will be a bit nicer? I hope to go in September, assuming they have a spot for me.If not I’ll go on a waiting list.I really need this sabbatical from my life.