My New Life.

 I am eager and excited to begin my new life at the ashram but I still haven’t heard back so I e-mailed them again in case they didn’t get the first one.It is very discouraging, esp. when so much depends on it.This is something that I need to do. I need to get my “groove” back.I hate my going nowhere life, watching my life pass by, desperately unhappy, watching the world grow dark and fear moving  thru every aspect of my life, so many crimes against my soul, feeling “lost” and not finding my way with no one to let me in. Happiness is long gone now and I don’t know where I left it or how to get it back and I never “shine.”, and I hope that going to the ashram a new world will be born for me.This is my only hope; the only thing I have left to give me hope. I hope there I will find what I’m looking for, be happy, make friends and be at peace.I will be away from the conflict, stress, discord and bullying here.

Yesterday my hubby was yelling at me again too and my mother sneered to him about me,”Can YOU call them and maybe they(the ashram) can take her NOW?” so eager to be rid of me, and the 4 YR old’s already treating me like the others too, copying them; I punished him for hitting the 8 YR old and he screamed hatefully at me I’m “stupid”, “I hate you!” “Go away!” “Shut up!” and “I’m going to break you!”He’s only 4 and he already talks to me like that. I hate to think what he’ll be like once he’s a teenager! I need a new beginning and a new life and new hope.I feel my life is done and I fear I’ll be stuck here forever esp. as I still haven’t heard back. I have to get away from this life and this family. It is destroying me.My soul has died. I also need to know ahead of time if they supply soap and towels for showers and bedsheets or if I have to bring my own.

Sometimes I fear with my “luck” I won’t be able to go for some reason and wanting to kill myself has now become a chronic condition. It just feels so hopeless.I feel like I’m a bad mother as well and it’s better for everyone if I leave, yet then by actually leaving the kids  only proves that I am!I’ll also be walking away from everything I’ve ever known and that in itself is scary and if I leave I’ll feel like a distant relative that the kids only see a couple of times a year and I don’t want to be that but I can’t do this anymore and I need to get away.I am grateful and thankful for support and love from friends but at the same time makes me heartsick to realize that they care for me more than my own family does. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling, just pure anguish and despair.

I need something to hold on to, to look forward to, to have hope for, to be optimistic about. I have had so many failures, let-downs, and disappointments in life that I really NEED this. This is all I have left for a chance at happiness and a new life.

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