Random Thoughts.

 I am happy to hear Libya will soon have democracy and freedom and that the freedom fighters have all but toppled a long-held dictatorship. They fought long and hard for 6 months and it’s inspiring that sometimes the “little people” DO win; a modern-day “David vs Goliath” story. I hope and pray for peace and political change in the Middle East. I liked it when I was there; I loved the exotic smells of the spice markets, the bazaars, the calls of the minarets, the hustle and bustle of the marketplace.

I saw so many pretty people at the Ex and it got me thinking how unfair it really is that some people can be so pretty when I ended up looking like this. I hate being ugly fat and stupid; I hate looking like this and feeling like this. My mother sneered I “should just accept” my looks but I can’t. I wish I wasn’t me.I always end up with the short end of the stick in life.No matter what I do I will always be doomed to be ugly and fat unless I miraculously get $$$$ and can have gastric bypass and cosmetic surgery.There’s still no cure for stupid though unfortunately.

My mother also said she won’t miss me when I leave for the ashram or my “freaking out” due to my extreme unhappiness. Now my only happiness are memories. After 22 YRS of staying home with the kids and homeschooling I’m burned out. I need to re-invent a new life for myself. I just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes I don’t even think I even WANT to be a mother anymore even though I know how horrible that is. That only makes me hate myself even more and proves I’m a bad mother even more.Me moving out will also sort of be like a divorce in a way although our family was broken long before it came to this.

My mother and hubby also blame me why they always hassle me, instead of it being that they’re always ganging-up on me.It’s even my own fault for being victimized and blamed too.That’s one of the reasons suicide looks like such a nice option: that way I am no longer me.The only real way out. I no longer will have this face or this body. I will be re-newed.No matter where I go or what I do I can’t run away from myself.I can never escape me and who I am  and how I look and I will always be here with me unless I die. I don’t think anyone in history has ever hated themselves as much as I hate myself. I am unlovable. No one loves me and I sure as hell don’t love myself. How can I when I look like this? My looks have destroyed my life or any chance of a healthy self-esteem or happiness. I have always been hated and bullied and impaired in life due to it. I am so tired of always struggling.

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