My Saris Arrived!

┬áMy saris arrived! I had to pay an additional 27$ in duty tax(this country sucks, and if they had what I wanted here I wouldn’t have had to order it elsewhere, duh!) I practiced wrapping them but with the pleats and bunched up fabric it made me look even FATTER than I already am(I’m the only person wearing a sari I ever saw that looks so fat!) and my arse is enormous! I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or if it’s just because I AM fat! It was very depressing.

As well, I am getting discouraged about ever going to the ashram; my e-mails have still never been answered so my son tried to phone them(with my Social Phobia I get panic attacks talking on the phone) 3 times and he’s still not able to get a hold of the woman in charge of the women’s ashram! I am losing hope and fear I’ll never be able to go! This is the only hope I have left. Sometimes it just seems so impossible and unlikely and what if I fail at this too(esp. when things don’t go well or work out for me) and it doesn’t work out for me, just like everything else in my life? What if I can’t survive with so many rules and I just get so confused and flounder and they kick me out for incompetence or something? There seems to be so many no-no’s and faux pas I worry I might not be up for it. I have learned in life that my best still isn’t good enough. What if I don’t fit in? I just want to be happy and to find peace. I want a simple, minimalist austere spiritual life but what if they don’t have any space for me, or what if I DO go but I fail? Then what? I at least want to try but what if I don’t even get that far? I don’t exactly have good luck and things don’t exactly go right for me so I have reason to worry.