I am still desolate that my plan for a retreat at the ashram has been thwarted but now I have re-assessed and have a new revised plan as I wait for a vacancy to open up, whether it be a month, a few months, or even a year or more. I looked into another place(run by the same group) not too far from the original one and sent them an e-mail to see if they have a women’s ashram(or if they just have a temple) and if not, someone else in the province that does. I also decided in the meantime to try and do my best to covert my bedroom into my own little “ashram” with a serene calming ambience, incl. incense, candles,devotional pictures, etc. as a quiet contemplative place where I can pray, think, relax, unwind, de-stress and get away from the chaos in my life; where I can isolate myself and shut the world out.It’s not as good as the real thing but it will have to do in the meantime and sometime the call will come that there is an opening at the ashram and I can go; it gives me a future plan and something to look forward to.It’s not like I can’t ever go; I just can’t go NOW.I can still have hope and just try to hold on in the meantime until the time comes.
After 5 long-distance phonecall tries finally reached the lady who runs the women’s ashram and just my typical luck:it’s full and they have no spare room and won’t for the foreseeable future. It figures. NOTHING can ever just work out or go right for me. I invested so much into this emotionally(my family just thinks I merely needed a break but going to the ashram would literally save my life) and this was my only and last hope and now I have nothing. I don’t even have this. I asked them to let me know if and when there’s an opening but it’s not looking hopeful. I won’t be going and I’m shattered. This always happens; I look forward to something and it doesn’t work out.Everything always has to go wrong and rob me of hope.
I am so bummed out. I have lost all hope now and am so discouraged.I don’t know what’s worse either: to not go and to never try and to miss out on an opportunity, or to go but fail and have to come back home in defeat.I also can’t figure out if this blow means that it’s not meant to be or just yet more of my bad luck.( I don’t know how NOT being able to go on a much-needed spiritual retreat wouldn’t be meant to be.)I really needed this badly and now what will I do? Where will I go? I have no other options. I’m stuck here and it seems like forever. There is nothing else; no way out of my life.I am doomed to a life of unhappiness.I feel like a prisoner who keeps waiting for a parole that he’ll never see.I just hope I didn’t waste $$$ on my saris all for nothing; that at SOME point later I can still go, even in a few months or years….
I wonder as well if perhaps my medical issues(Asperger’s, Social Phobia, chronic cramps and diarrhea(possible colitis?) high BP, low blood sugar, headaches, breathing problems, bad back, etc.) would even interfere with my life and duties at the ashram? If I went would I only have to return home? If I had to only stay awhile and return would that constitute a failure, or just a life lesson and experience, and when I feel I’m ready I would just go home? I do worry I might fail there, be incompetent and struggle to keep up, just as I have in every instance, all my life, but I at least wanted to TRY and I need to get away. Now the hope and excitement of a brighter future is gone. Now I am right back to where I started and more pissed off at yet something else that didn’t go right for me or work out. I really and truly think I am cursed and am not meant to be happy. I also think I’ll be here forever and never escape or have a chance at a new life or a new beginning. I am caged like an animal.