The Summer Of ’88.

 I saw a motorcycle and it made me think of Glen. I fell hard for him the summer of 1988, in August to be exact.(I had met my now-hubby that June too but we were just friends at the time) I was 21. He was 9 years older than me, 6 feet tall, an electrician and looked like James Dean. We met at the YMCA and he’d take me for rides on his motorcycle, we’d hang out at my house and at his, he took me dancing and we went to the beach and walked along the shore and sat up on a big rock and ate ice cream. I anxiously waited in anticipation every day for him to call. I couldn’t figure out why he’d even give someone like me the time of day.I couldn’t believe my luck!

I really liked him and was hoping he’d kiss me,although I was scared and nervous too as  didn’t have any experience with guys. (I even wondered what if would be like to have lost my virginity to him, but of course I didn’t and it was  wrong to want!) but sadly he never did; he only liked me as a friend. He was always criticizing me and telling me how to improve my looks, my hair, my clothes, etc. and trying to set me up with his friend who was a PhD in laser physics but was also the most arrogant person I have ever met! My fun with him only lasted that one month but I never forgot it or forgot him. The last I’d heard years ago he was shacking up with someone, but he wasn’t the right type to marry anyway; he didn’t want kids and he was always out every night at the gym and with his friends and wouldn’t have had time fora family but I still think of him the odd time, and I hope he’s happy and that he’s settled down and has a family.

My true love, however, I loved from age 16-20 and he only liked me as friend too. When I moved we wrote letters to eachother all the time and he even travelled 2 HRS to come visit me in the winter! When I told him one day how I felt, that I loved him(I honestly thought he was The One, and the one I would marry) he stopped all contact with me and I never heard from him again. I found out later he has a Masters degree now in Business and Finance and is most likely gay. Doesn’t it figure. When I tried to reconnect on Facebook(like I tried with many old friends, just to catch up) he blocked me. I never had much luck with guys! I’ve never had much luck with LIFE.

Random Thoughts.

 I am happy to hear Libya will soon have democracy and freedom and that the freedom fighters have all but toppled a long-held dictatorship. They fought long and hard for 6 months and it’s inspiring that sometimes the “little people” DO win; a modern-day “David vs Goliath” story. I hope and pray for peace and political change in the Middle East. I liked it when I was there; I loved the exotic smells of the spice markets, the bazaars, the calls of the minarets, the hustle and bustle of the marketplace.

I saw so many pretty people at the Ex and it got me thinking how unfair it really is that some people can be so pretty when I ended up looking like this. I hate being ugly fat and stupid; I hate looking like this and feeling like this. My mother sneered I “should just accept” my looks but I can’t. I wish I wasn’t me.I always end up with the short end of the stick in life.No matter what I do I will always be doomed to be ugly and fat unless I miraculously get $$$$ and can have gastric bypass and cosmetic surgery.There’s still no cure for stupid though unfortunately.

My mother also said she won’t miss me when I leave for the ashram or my “freaking out” due to my extreme unhappiness. Now my only happiness are memories. After 22 YRS of staying home with the kids and homeschooling I’m burned out. I need to re-invent a new life for myself. I just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes I don’t even think I even WANT to be a mother anymore even though I know how horrible that is. That only makes me hate myself even more and proves I’m a bad mother even more.Me moving out will also sort of be like a divorce in a way although our family was broken long before it came to this.

My mother and hubby also blame me why they always hassle me, instead of it being that they’re always ganging-up on me.It’s even my own fault for being victimized and blamed too.That’s one of the reasons suicide looks like such a nice option: that way I am no longer me.The only real way out. I no longer will have this face or this body. I will be re-newed.No matter where I go or what I do I can’t run away from myself.I can never escape me and who I am  and how I look and I will always be here with me unless I die. I don’t think anyone in history has ever hated themselves as much as I hate myself. I am unlovable. No one loves me and I sure as hell don’t love myself. How can I when I look like this? My looks have destroyed my life or any chance of a healthy self-esteem or happiness. I have always been hated and bullied and impaired in life due to it. I am so tired of always struggling.

Let’s Go To The Ex!

 We went to the Ex and had a good day but it was so much walking, and alot of driving(many hours) and we were gone like 12 HRS so I’m exhausted and my feet, legs, and back just hurt so much and I’m all stiff and sore! The kids mainly went on the rides and I looked at the vendors in the buildings. I also got a free BP and pulse check and my BP is still high (163/96) and so was my pulse(102) when the average for BP is 120/80 and pulse in the 60’s. I’m officially medically stressed-out too. Big surprise.

I also saw a guy there who looked like Norman, a guy I loved when I was 15 and who knows, it very well might have been him; it WAS the same city! When I got my lunch a vendor also called me “Sir” and it’s not because I’m bald either as I was wearing a hat; I just look like a man in general. There was also a 5.8 earthquake as far away as Virginia and they were to have felt it where we were too but with the Ex always so loud and thumping I never noticed a thing! 🙂

We were thinking of stopping off at the ashram on the way there as well but decided against it as they don’t have any parking and we’re not even sure if it’s open for anyone to answer after all that anyway; my hubby will just phone them later.My hubby was also mad at me I went home so “early” even though I was so tired and sore I could hardly even walk anymore and as usual we fought during the long car ride which is why I hate going anywhere with him.

Nancy.

 Nancy was my best friend in grade 6 and I still think about her to this day. The loss of that friendship is also one of my life’s big regrets. When my best friend Terri moved away the summer of grade 5 Nancy moved into the house next door to her, which was also just down my street. She had just moved from Regent Park(a downtown ghetto) and she was chubby, had dark waist-length hair, was very smart(I always figured she’d be a lawyer or something when she grew up), and obsessed with horses.She had an older sister that worked in a store and an older brother in highschool. She was also in my class and we quickly became best friends. We played together every day, hanging out at my house playing Barbies, going to the park, whacking tennis balls against the school wall, and rarely, at her place, and we were inseparable.

I once asked her why she was always over at my house and we never went to hers and she confessed her dad was a drunk.One day she bent my thumb back really hard(so much it hurt) as a “joke” and I got mad and went home, but the next day I was over it and called on her….but from that moment on she stopped being my friend.Just like that. Even though it WAS her fault,and despite my repeated attempts for over  a year to make up she rejected it. I would call for her,phone her, invite her over to come play, gave her Christmas cards and invited her over to my sleep-overs and parties but she always refused.She wouldn’t even speak to me; it was as if I didn’t even exist anymore. This left a big hole and regret in my heart and I earnestly tried to repair the friendship and she never budged.She was one of my best friends and this really hurt. It got worse the next year in grade 7 when she joined the bullies in taunting me, even telling them stories that I didn’t know how to blow my nose, that I kissed my dog on the lips and ate out of the same dish as it, etc.I was shattered.We used to be friends!

We later went on to different highschools(I ended up going to 3 in total) and I saw her the odd time during grade 9(walking or on the streetcar) but whenever I’d wave or call out to her she’d just ignore me. I never did find out what became of her after that and the only thing I’d heard as an adult was that she was divorced. I have always deeply regretted losing her as a friend even though in all honesty I did all I possibly could.Some things leave such regret and scarring on your heart that you carry it with you for the rest of your life. This was one of those things and I still think about her to this day and could never figure out why she so easily tossed away our friendship like that, esp. over something so trivial.I even tried to find her on Facebook but no luck. I still have hope that one day, even now after all these years, that we can re-connect and have my friend back….

Poor Jack Layton!

 NDP leader Jack Layton just died of cancer. He was 61. He had been battling prostate cancer earlier but beat it, only to be diagnosed with a secondary(unnamed) cancer a few months ago and stepped down as leader of the NDP just 1-2 mos. ago to get treatment. This was so sudden. He had expected to get back when Parliament resumed in Sept(which I doubted as he looked so sick). but never made it. My guess is he had either liver or pancreatic cancer as they go quickly, usually within 3 mos. This is a shock as no one knew he was quite THAT sick so the news was sudden.

I am far from a fan of the Socialist NDP but I still feel badly. The poor guy.The sad thing is too he just got elected as leader of the Official Opposition in May but Parliament ended for the summer break and he was to resume in the fall but never made it so he got that far but wasn’t able to enjoy it. I also think the reason his party did as well as it did was mainly due to him and his personality and now he’s gone I wouldn’t be surprised if they slip back down to where they were before. I pray for him, esp. as he didn’t appear to be a God-fearing or religious  man(or at least not publically; we never know what’s secretly in a person’s heart), so he needs our prayers even more. He did care for social justice though so I hope that will score him “bonus” points to Heaven…

My New Life.

 I am eager and excited to begin my new life at the ashram but I still haven’t heard back so I e-mailed them again in case they didn’t get the first one.It is very discouraging, esp. when so much depends on it.This is something that I need to do. I need to get my “groove” back.I hate my going nowhere life, watching my life pass by, desperately unhappy, watching the world grow dark and fear moving  thru every aspect of my life, so many crimes against my soul, feeling “lost” and not finding my way with no one to let me in. Happiness is long gone now and I don’t know where I left it or how to get it back and I never “shine.”, and I hope that going to the ashram a new world will be born for me.This is my only hope; the only thing I have left to give me hope. I hope there I will find what I’m looking for, be happy, make friends and be at peace.I will be away from the conflict, stress, discord and bullying here.

Yesterday my hubby was yelling at me again too and my mother sneered to him about me,”Can YOU call them and maybe they(the ashram) can take her NOW?” so eager to be rid of me, and the 4 YR old’s already treating me like the others too, copying them; I punished him for hitting the 8 YR old and he screamed hatefully at me I’m “stupid”, “I hate you!” “Go away!” “Shut up!” and “I’m going to break you!”He’s only 4 and he already talks to me like that. I hate to think what he’ll be like once he’s a teenager! I need a new beginning and a new life and new hope.I feel my life is done and I fear I’ll be stuck here forever esp. as I still haven’t heard back. I have to get away from this life and this family. It is destroying me.My soul has died. I also need to know ahead of time if they supply soap and towels for showers and bedsheets or if I have to bring my own.

Sometimes I fear with my “luck” I won’t be able to go for some reason and wanting to kill myself has now become a chronic condition. It just feels so hopeless.I feel like I’m a bad mother as well and it’s better for everyone if I leave, yet then by actually leaving the kids  only proves that I am!I’ll also be walking away from everything I’ve ever known and that in itself is scary and if I leave I’ll feel like a distant relative that the kids only see a couple of times a year and I don’t want to be that but I can’t do this anymore and I need to get away.I am grateful and thankful for support and love from friends but at the same time makes me heartsick to realize that they care for me more than my own family does. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling, just pure anguish and despair.

I need something to hold on to, to look forward to, to have hope for, to be optimistic about. I have had so many failures, let-downs, and disappointments in life that I really NEED this. This is all I have left for a chance at happiness and a new life.

My Passport.

 My passport expires soon so I am preparing to get another one and, unlike in other countries, here we don’t just simply “renew” it, we have to go thru the exact same process and re-apply all over again,incl. needing a guarantor and 2 references and sending in ID documents.Here it also only lasts for 5 years, not 10 like in USA and we’re not allowed to smile or have any facial expressions in the photo; it’s like a mug shot.I can’t believe this will be like my 6th passport already.They used to put kids on their mother’s passports if they were under age 16 but now even kids have to have to have their own(all our kids do) likely another way for the greedy gov’t to make more $$ that way.

So, the other day I went out and got a new photo done(now I’m still tanned and won’t look quite as ugly), but, of course, for me nothing is ever a simple straight forward  event or goes easy. I got to the place where they do them for only 10$ and of course with MY “luck” the person doing it wasn’t there and the clerk was puzzled and said she had no idea why; that this has never happened before. Typical. I hear this all the time; it’s always when I need something ends up being that unusual case or occurrance. So then I went elsewhere but they charged twice as much so I just left,loudly complaining  20$ for a passport photo was a rip-off esp. when elsewhere they do it for 10$.. Then I went to a third place and they only charged 15$ so I got it done.This is is my first one in colour too! I always got black and white before as it was cheaper but now they’re both the same. I hope they accept it; there always seems to be some problem with mine and they usually end up rejecting it and returning it for me to redo.I think only ONCE has it ever gone thru ok the first try.

Then I filled out the application and then realized I had put my name on the wrong place on the photo: underneath the line instead of above it. I’m so stupid. I always have such a hard time with things like this and they confuse me. I am such a fuck up.Often, I completely miss something and accidently leave it out and it has to be returned or I fill something out wrong. Nothing for me is ever easy and my life is so impaired.I’m also not sure what to fill in where it says “hair colour” being that I’m bald. Do I still write in brown, or do I write “bald?”