Still Waiting….

 It feels like I spend my whole life waiting; waiting but never getting anywhere: waiting to be loved, waiting to be happy, waiting for things to work out, waiting for my bad luck to stop….it goes on and on in this vicious cycle but I never get any further ahead.I continue to wait but for what? All for nothing!

I also feel like I am still waiting for my past hopes and dreams to materialize and to come true: hopes and dreams that didn’t occur in the past(even though I wanted them to) but never did and never will.It is a lost cause yet I still find myself  hoping,dreaming, and waiting….waiting for that phonecall, waiting for that date I never had,, waiting for that dance I never got,waiting for that boy to like me,waiting to be asked out, waiting for a prom I never attended, waiting for that Valentine that never came,waiting for that invitation I never got, waiting for those kind words, waiting for love to be returned, waiting  to be picked for that team in gym, waiting for someone to eat lunch with,waiting for things to look up, waiting for the bullying to end,waiting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(heck, I’m just waiting for the RAINBOW to show up!)waiting for a friend,waiting for a break,waiting for things to look up, waiting for success, waiting for someone to love and cherish me, waiting to find happiness, waiting to feel valued, waiting to love and accept myself, waiting for all the bad things to stop happening, waiting for my kids to show respect, waiting for change, waiting for my “real” life to begin,waiting for support and validation,waiting for peace and serenity, waiting for hope,waiting to die, etc.

I don’t have any “redeeming” qualities and don’t have anything “going” for me; I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m dumb, I always manage to offend people and drive them away,(I think I got my Marfan syndrome from my father’s side, my Asperger’s from my mother’s side,and my Social Phobia a bit from both sides) I’m broken and emotionally damaged, I attract misfortune and failure, I have no skills, I don’t fit in, I struggle with everything and I’m high-strung anxious, and worried. I am always last in life and even my own family ridicules and demeans me. I am that person that failed every job interview miserably and never got called back, that person who was always picked last for teams in gym class, that was left standing alone at dances, that never had a rose sent by a boy for Valentine’s Day in school, etc. I spend my life waiting and hoping things will get better….but wait…they won’t.

Baby Envy.

 There’s someone at our homeschooling group that just had baby # 10. For an instance I felt a slight twinge of baby envy; not that she’s “catching up” to me, but that I will never again get to experience having a sweet newborn. I love the baby stage, although the exhaustion of breast feeding and getting up during the night to feed not so much! I am also not up for all the doc’s app’ts(prenatal for me  and then for baby) or worry overs SIDS with each baby,either!

I am sad I will never experience it again; that it’s all over for me now(I’ll be 45 in a few months) but at the same time I also know it’s for the best,too: I am high risk(I was even before but now I’m older it’s only increased) plus 90% chance my liver disorder will recur(and the baby might NOT be so lucky next time!) and the high chance of having a baby with chromosomal defects, and I have high BP anyway, and physically I’m not “up” for the demands and exhaustion of another baby anymore, even though it also saddens me at the same time and I have fond nostalgic memories of it and will miss it.

Besides, my last baby(now age 4) was a very difficult baby(and he still IS!) he cried alot and was hard to feed and was fussy and difficult. Now he’s an unholy terror and I’d be afraid of having another one like him! All in all, an era has ended and it makes me sad to see others still having babies when I’m done, but I know it’s better this way as well and have come to accept that now, even thought it was hard and did take awhile to get to that point. Afterall, I did have 11 kids and spend a great deal of my adult life either prego or with a new baby, so it feels kind of “empty” and weird now without it. A new chapter in my life has now begun and I have to redefine my role and my place in life.

Harder To Be A Guy?

 I heard this old song on the radio where a guy is sadly  questioning why his girl is treating him so badly; he laments, “You won’t dance with me, you won’t hold hands with me…” and goes on to say in school she says he’s a fool and “Why are you treating  me so bad?” It got me thinking: even though it is hard being a girl maybe it’s even harder to be a guy….

Being a girl it’s hard to wait and see if a guy you like likes you back(in my case they never did). Generally what we do is secretly swoon over him and giggle about him with our friends(and fantasize about our wedding and practice how their last name would sound as ours and practice kissing with our stuffed toys and doodle love things on our notebooks in school) and then have one of our friends either phone or ask him if he likes us and have them report back.If the answer is no then we never have to risk letting the guy know we liked him in the first place and save embarrassment and rejection, and if the answer is yes, then we can approach him.It is hard waiting and wondering and hoping he’ll ask us on a date or to dance or whatever but then it made me think…..

I think it must be a lot harder for guys; they have much more “pressure” on them. Think about it: THEY are traditionally the ones to approach a girl they like and ask her out or to dance. They have a probable chance of being rejected, sometimes even cruelly.They have to have the courage and the self-esteem and confidence to approach her and ask her out, risking she may say no or even call him a loser or even worse. They are taking a really big chance and a bigger “risk” than the girl is. All she basically has to do is wait for him to approach her! It would esp. be hard if the guy is shy or not the typical type of guy(such as a nerd, dork, or geek, unattractive, overweight,etc.) that girls generally like.

The same goes for proposing marriage although I’d think the risk is less since obviously she likes him as they’ve been dating, but there still is the chance she’ll reject his marriage proposal.It’s hard being a girl trying to attract a guy you like(at least it is for ugly girls like me,anyway) and it’s a nuisance having a period for a week every month(complete with cramps!) for years, but overall I think it’s pretty safe to say it’s harder to be a guy.

A Holiday For Me,Too!

 My mother has decided she wants to go back to the Caribbean(for a 3rd time) in November and is having our travel agent arrange things. She said she “has to get away from here!”(how does she think *I* feel?) and it also likely has something to do with the fact that she just found out our cousins are going on another cruise in November as well(they go TWICE a year!) also to the Caribbean, so she has to “show” them “up”; that’s how she rolls.

In any case, I’ll be glad to be rid of her for 10 days as well and it’ll be like a holiday for ME,too with her gone! As well, the travel agent told me that Air India has seats that recline all the way back to lay down flat which is welcome news for me when I go next June as I can’t sleep sitting up, not just on a plane, but anywhere; I HAVE to lay down in order to sleep and a 15 HR flight sitting upright and not getting any sleep is not  good and I will end up looking like a zombie when I stagger off,so tired I’ll be staggering and slurring(like I was when I arrived in London) not to mention the 3 1/2 HR drive FROM the airport to the ashram, and the 11 HR time difference! At least the good of it is it won’t matter waking up 3:30 am every day as with the long trip and the time change I’ll be jet-lagged and exhausted tired no matter WHEN I wake up or go to bed! It won’t make any difference!!

Blame Me.

I found out my hubby told the kids,”If Mama didn’t live here then things would be a lot better!” and some of them even agreed,too! Words can’t even begin to describe how it made me feel.He never stands up to my controlling and meddling mother either; he needs to grow a pair and be a man and defend his family. He’s supposed to support the kids and I but his “excuse” is he “only hears my side.”(But doesn’t bother to talk to her and find out either, and it’s true; why would I make it UP?)

My mother also over-indulges,coddles, and excuses the 4 YR old just like she did with one of our older kids and turned her into a pampered, entitled snotty brat as well and now he’s “replaced” her and becoming the exact same! He’s defiant, mouthy, bossy, talks back(eg. when I say to stop doing something he yells, “No! YOU stop it!” and “I don’t have to do what YOU say!”  tells me to “Shut up!” and “I’m going to BREAK you in half!”etc.) and bites people, toys, furniture,clothing, etc. and when I said “There’s something wrong with him!” she snickered, “There’s something wrong with ALL of them!” and whenever I show concern  over his defiant behaviour or punish him she sneers, “We’re all different!” “Everyone has SOMETHING!” and “YOU’RE not ‘perfect’, either!” etc, always turning it around on to me and blaming me for everything. Somehow, everything’s always MY fault!

Yesterday he also raged and tantrumed as the 8 YR wouldn’t play a game with him as she was eating(she did play afterwards) and my snotty mother blamed HER for NOT doing what HE wants, and when he’s bad(which is all the time; he’s a bad kid) she blames her for “getting him going” and “provoking” him, or when I punish him she says I’m “picking” on him! She blames everyone except him and him and his behaviour and her interfering is causing a lot of stress and conflict! He also said he loves me ” 1 %” but my hubby “a THOUSAND million” and when I say how he’s not behaving she’ll always bring up every single thing I ever did wrong in my whole life(eg. pretending I was a dog when I was 4) and mentions all my shortcomings. I’m not even “allowed” to have an opinion or discipline my own child, and her coddling and excusing him has turned him into an obnoxious incorrigable monster! He always screams and rages when he doesn’t get what he wants and I’m the only one who ever tells him no.My mother also told me if I don’t like it when he rages and tantrums that *I* should go up to MY room instead of HIM going up to HIS room!

I’m sick of always being hassled, blamed, over-ruled, undermined and treated like shit. I hate being devalued, dismissed and mocked. I feel like I’m stuck in a job I hate, in a life I don’t want and then they wonder WHY I hate my life and this family and wish I was dead.I probably never should have had kids either; I never knew it would be like this.I was better off before. Having kids was my dream but it ended up making me miserable. I’m trapped in a loveless marriage with a family that hates and mistreats me. My mother smirked,”A lot of things are true but they’ll never change!” when I told her to stop meddling and my hubby won’t back me up and I feel so trapped, alone and helpless.Everyone wants to get rid of me. I even find myself praying for a terminal disease because I hate this life and want out. I wish I was anyone else.

Ballet.

 Both our 8 and 10 YR olds love ballet. They play pretend ballet,have ballet Barbie, have dress-up tutus and want to take lessons. They esp. love The Nutcracker and Swan Lake. I have always liked it as well and I’m happy they have an interest in something cultured and refined and not something redneck like hockey! They’re in Cubs this year but afterwards they can take ballet lessons if they’d like.It’s also a common thing for little girls to like.

I remember when I was a kid I took tap dance.It was a disaster with my perception problem I was so clumsy and unco-ordinated I kept tripping, fumbling, and messing it up. I just couldn’t ever get it right. I lagged behind the others and could never remember the steps and kept tripping over my own feet and the teacher would get so frustrated and angry and always yelled at me for being such a fuck up. I was so humiliated and embarrassed. I have always had a hard time understanding things and get confused easily. Due to my perception problem I am also very limited(I can’t drive for instance) and can’t judge space or distance, can’t read maps or follow directions, and am always bumping into things and knocking things over and getting hurt  because I think I have more space than I actually do.I also mix up numbers and letters , reverse things,etc. I hate always being different and having a hard time with everything.I think dance is beautiful and graceful too although I could never do it myself.

The Mouthwash.

 The other day I saw a commercial for the new Listerine alcohol-free mouthwash. Shortly after I noticed a bottle of Listerine in our bathroom and remembering the commercial(knowing some had alcohol in them) I read the ingredients and sure enough it DID contain alcohol,and it was the MAIN ingredient,too!(ingredients are listed on products in order from greatest to least). I was horrified and poured it into the toilet and  threw it out! Alcohol is bad, sinful,and not good for anything. It shouldn’t even touch our lips.I was shocked and mortified!

Of course my 16 and 13 YR olds were mocking and hassling me and saying how stupid and crazy I was to throw it out.My mother then bought a new alcohol-free mouthwash and they admitted it DID taste a lot better and wasn’t as strong, and even better: my hubby announced he had checked up on it and informed us that several places had actually BANNED the sale of mouthwash that contained alcohol because it was dangerous(even more so for kids) and that it had even caused mouth CANCER in kids! So, now all of a sudden my concern and tossing it out didn’t seen so “stupid” afterall, and they didn’t think I was so “crazy!”

As well, my mother showed me a birthday card she got for our soon-to-be 17 YR old and it was inappropriate making reference to alcohol(Tequila to be exact and she passed it off as ,”Oh, I thought it was a dance!”) so I threw that out too. Alcohol is bad. It’s not harmless or necessary to have fun ,to celebrate, or to be social. In fact, it is the cause of most of society’s ills, incl. drunk driving, bar fights, spousal and child abuse,addiction, lessened inhibitions(leading to permissive sex and adultery), alcohol poisoning, underage drinking, etc.For this reason it is condemned in the Bible and banned from our home. No good ever comes out of alcohol and if gov’ts and healthcare officials really cared about our health it would be outlawed.They are already heading that way with smoking, and alcohol is even worse!

Palestinian Statehood.

 The Palestinians are applying to the UN for official statehood. 80% of people agree they should, and I am one of them. I think everyone should have a place to call home,but USA, Canada,and Israel are going to veto it. I have been to Israel and have seen first-hand how the Palestinians live and are treated like second-class citizens, in a very poor standard of living, basically segregated into ghettos. It was heartbreaking.Now you’d think Israel, a people having been oppressed for centuries themselves  and not having their own home for so long  would understand the most.Now they have become the oppressors!

USA is vetoing it to suck up to Israel and Canada of course is doing it to suck up to USA(as always). I agree there should be peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians but I also agree that they should be a given statehood. Both them and Israel have history and roots in the area and are entitled to share  it. USA as always arrogantly thinks that they are the policeman of the world and can dictate what other nations can and cannot do.Then they wonder why they’re hated and the target of terrorist attacks.They’re bossy, imperialist,and meddle.They just don’t “get” it. I hope that despite the objections of those 3 countries that the UN will allow statehood; they should be recognized.It’s wrong that so many people equate Palestinians, Arabs, and Muslims with terrorism.(I bet this is the real reason behind not approving  the statehood)This is racial profiling and it’s wrong.I hope they get their official recognition; that as long as the majority agree to it, and that USA and the others won’t have enough influence to veto it.Hopefully later today we’ll find out….

The Dolls.

 The other day our 10 YR old ordered a doll online(living here isolated in “Bumble-F*ck” we have to order everything we want and need online) and of course with OUR “luck” they sent us the wrong one(this sort of thing always happens to us and so much so I have just come to expect it now)so my hubby phoned them up and they said to just keep the wrong doll and that they’d send us out a replacement and give us a 10% discount on the cost and not charge us for shipping….

Well, yesterday the replacement doll came and wouldn’t you know: it was the exact SAME WRONG one they’d sent us before!(so now we had 2 of the same but not the one she’d ordered) What the hell? So he called them again and they had the nerve to blame US and accuse us of trying to “scam” them into getting free dolls by always claiming they’d sent us the wrong ones so we could keep it free, even though they DID: twice! So now they said to return it to them and they’ll send us out another one….yeah…right…we’ll send it back but I bet they’ll send the same one again! Seriously how STUPID can some people BE?

As well, my mother got stung by a wasp and her hand swelled up so much it’s all puffy and shiny and stretched out it looks like the skin will split open,seriously,(it’s so gross!) and my hubby snarked he thinks I’ll screw up and fail at the ashram and that they’ll kick me out! It sounds like he doesn’t WANT me to succeed, but I WILL! I need to do this,and I took 2 of the kids across Europe on my own before and it was ok,and even though I will be travelling all that way on my own I won’t really be “alone”; there will be hundreds of other people on the plane with me and at the ashram! It will be an adventure and an accomplishment!!

The Man In The Shadows.

 My 8 YR old has had these bizarre rituals lately where whenever someone is loud or walks by that she “has” to spin around in circles so many times, and also “has” to stay under her covers in bed at night and when I asked what was going on she told me that she HAS to do it or “The Man In The Shadows” said she’ll die! The poor kid’s so scared and feels compelled to do these things. I asked her how long it’s been going on for and she said since last YEAR but it’s been getting worse and he’s been bothering her more lately! Needless to say it’s disturbing!!

I don’t know whether it’s simply a childhood obsession or “superstition”, OCD, a fantasy, her imagination, a demon harrassing her, a mental disorder(hearing “voices”), or what, but it scares her and distresses  and concerns me so I told her whenever he bothers her again to just pray to God and ask Him to take it away from her. I also blessed her and her room with holy water and compelled him to leave in the Name of Jesus(as I similarly scared away a “monster” once by spraying water) just in case it really IS some sort of evil spirit and  so she feels safe and secure and has some control over the situation. Afterwards she seemed to feel better and informed me that God “told” her(as a voice in her head) that He will “get rid” of it and since then said it has been bothering her less and I told her EVERY time it scares her(or anything scares or concerns her for that matter) that she should always pray to God and ask Him to help her and keep her safe.He is our loving Father and He wants us to feel safe and loved.