It feels like I spend my whole life waiting; waiting but never getting anywhere: waiting to be loved, waiting to be happy, waiting for things to work out, waiting for my bad luck to stop….it goes on and on in this vicious cycle but I never get any further ahead.I continue to wait but for what? All for nothing!
I also feel like I am still waiting for my past hopes and dreams to materialize and to come true: hopes and dreams that didn’t occur in the past(even though I wanted them to) but never did and never will.It is a lost cause yet I still find myself hoping,dreaming, and waiting….waiting for that phonecall, waiting for that date I never had,, waiting for that dance I never got,waiting for that boy to like me,waiting to be asked out, waiting for a prom I never attended, waiting for that Valentine that never came,waiting for that invitation I never got, waiting for those kind words, waiting for love to be returned, waiting to be picked for that team in gym, waiting for someone to eat lunch with,waiting for things to look up, waiting for the bullying to end,waiting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(heck, I’m just waiting for the RAINBOW to show up!)waiting for a friend,waiting for a break,waiting for things to look up, waiting for success, waiting for someone to love and cherish me, waiting to find happiness, waiting to feel valued, waiting to love and accept myself, waiting for all the bad things to stop happening, waiting for my kids to show respect, waiting for change, waiting for my “real” life to begin,waiting for support and validation,waiting for peace and serenity, waiting for hope,waiting to die, etc.
I don’t have any “redeeming” qualities and don’t have anything “going” for me; I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m dumb, I always manage to offend people and drive them away,(I think I got my Marfan syndrome from my father’s side, my Asperger’s from my mother’s side,and my Social Phobia a bit from both sides) I’m broken and emotionally damaged, I attract misfortune and failure, I have no skills, I don’t fit in, I struggle with everything and I’m high-strung anxious, and worried. I am always last in life and even my own family ridicules and demeans me. I am that person that failed every job interview miserably and never got called back, that person who was always picked last for teams in gym class, that was left standing alone at dances, that never had a rose sent by a boy for Valentine’s Day in school, etc. I spend my life waiting and hoping things will get better….but wait…they won’t.