Now school’s back I once again see kids and teens walking down the street(the first day of school they all looked so sullen and broken too, faces downwards and downcast, gloomy looking, shuffling along) and hear the kids out at recess at a nearby school,joyful sounds of playing, yelling and having fun in the schoolyard. I like it as it reminds me of when I was young, and a time when I was actually happy and my life still had dreams, promise, hope and possibility.Not like now. Now my only happiness are memories, but when I see and hear kids and teens I remember and I envy them, too; they still have their entire lives and future ahead of them even though it’s too late for me. They ARE the future!
As well, the pool guys were to come this week and close it up for the season and of course so far they haven’t come and I want it closed; it’s so much work, expense, hassle, trouble and takes so much of my time and yet we STILL have algae; now it’s entirely green. I’m done with it and have had enough.It just feels like such a waste of time and $$$ all for nothing.Cub Scouts and Air Cadets went back for the kids this week as well, incl. 2 of the kids for the first time, and they’re excited! I still haven’t heard back about the other possible ashram either and I’m really losing hope and think I’ll never actually get to go there and it’ll end up just another lost dream in my life….
The 13 and 16 YR olds have been hassling me too. The 13 YR old jeers what I “say do and think is dumb” that something’s only bad if I don’t like it,and mocks me because I don’t like to be criticized, challenged or proven wrong(but I have been by everyone my whole life and I’ve had ENOUGH!) and the 16 YR old has started watching occult vampire stuff even though he KNOWS we forbid it, so now not only is he an atheist now but into the occult. He really worries me, and he called me a “slut” as well and snickers “religion and God’s for stupid illogical people” and that HE’S “smart and logical and doesn’t need it” and that I “suck” and “do everything opposite of what a good parent should do.” It just breaks my heart the way they treat me and I fear I have lost the 16 YR old to the sin of the world and away from God.Then they wonder why I want to leave home.
The 13 YR old also has his annual app’t with his oncologist next week to check his blood count to see if any sign the cancer’s back. It’s been 6 YRS now and I hope and pray all is well. I have no reason to think it shouldn’t be but the nagging possibility is always there, hanging over us, waiting to pounce.The app’t always makes me so sick nervous and fearful with worry.We will never truly be free of cancer’s grip as there’s always a chance it could relapse at any time, even when you least expect it, think he’s beaten it, or things are looking good. It’s a hidden danger that lurks, like a dark cloud always hanging over us. It’s always such a relief when everything comes back clean and we can breathe a sigh of relief for another year.
It angered me as well on the news to hear universities were handing out condoms(encouraging and promoting sin) and allow alcohol at their Frosh parties even though they also admitted drunkenness is a big problem and a “rite of passage.” I was horrified! It IS ok to say NO! What they should do is have rules, expectations and limits. They shouldn’t encourage sin and hand out condoms and they should ban booze on campus. That’s the problem today: everyone is so tolerant, permissive and anything-goes that they’re too afraid to discipline, have rules and to say NO! My kids wondered WHY I was so concerned when the oldest ones went off to university, but most people there are sinful and I know how hard it is not to fit in and how hard it is to function when you’re so disgusted with all the partying going on around you!The hedonistic ancient Romans would have fit in well! I got so stressed from the immorality when I went that I had to quit: being around people like that was making me physically sick.My doctor told me it was stress and when I left it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.