Out Of My Reach.

 I just sadly realized that everything I want in life will always be out of my reach: I want to be pretty but can’t afford plastic surgery. I want to be thin but can’t afford liposuction or gastric surgery. I want nice teeth but can’t afford veneers or implants.I also want to be loved,to be happy,to go to the ashram,to NOT have Asperger’s, Social Phobia, etc. and you can’t “cure” stupid either! No wonder I’m so miserable,hate myself, and my life, and I can feel everything’s falling apart and I’m falling deeper and deeper into the deep dark black hole of depression and have nothing to hold on to to pull me back up.

My mother, and the 13 and 16 YR olds are hassling me again as well; the 13 YR old was being really mouthy and wouldn’t stop so I punished him and then my mother(as always) comes charging over raging at me, interfering, and he scoffed the way I treat my kids(punish them)I “don’t act like I love them” and I told HIM the way THEY treat ME they don’t act like they love me, and about his mean ,mouthy, disrespectful attitude he huffed, “I am who I am!” and “That’s the way YOU raised me!”(actually, no…if it was then I wouldn’t be punishing him!) and then about my bad luck not being able to go to the ashram he sarcastically chuckled, “Why don’t you just PRAY and God will open a spot for you?”

As well, the 16 YR old snickered he makes fun of me because I’m stupid and that he doesn’t waste his time with stupid people and that I don’t “deserve” respect,and that I don’t know anything and can’t do anything which’s why my hubby had to take over with the homeschooling math as I can’t do it, and then scoffs they treat me like a child because I act like a child,and I told him I can’t HELP it I have Aspergers and all the rest and if I had a CHOICE I wouldn’t choose it or want it and that I hate it too, but he mocked me saying I’m just “making it all up” and I can “do something about it” even though there’s no cure! Then my mother sneered, “Maybe THEY can’t ‘help’ it that they hate YOU,too!” Somehow everything’s always MY fault and then they wonder why I hate my life and wish I was dead.

My mother also says how she’s “smarter” than me as she can do math and I can’t….yet also fails to mention how *I* was the one on the Honour Roll when I graduated highschool while SHE struggled to get 60’s…we’re both dumb only she refuses to admit that she is.The 16 YR old also says the 8 YR old doesn’t really love me; she just pretends she does to get what she wants and that I fall for it because I feel alone and need someone to love me. That’s like a knife in my heart as she’s the only one who really DOES love and care for me,and he tries to invalidate that,too. I feel so broken and destroyed,and I can’t take this anymore.

When I die if I’m asked to look back at my life and asked if it was all worth it it would be a big definite NO!! All my struggles,losses,bad luck, misfortunes, traumas, etc. are NOT worth it.In fact, I regret pretty much everything in my life and if I had a chance to go back  and change it I would pretty much change everything and un-do most of my life! If I also knew ahead of time all the traumas, fear, worry, anxiety,stress,misery, despair and life-shattering events I would have in my life having kids and that the kids would end up hating me I wouldn’t have had kids; I would have changed my mind and NOT done it and was better off before! What was my dream just ended up to be yet another of my many failures and disappointments  in life and I ended up miserable.I am so lost and can’t find my way and have no support. I honestly think the purpose of my life is to be ridiculed, bullied, shit on and victimized.I am some sort of cosmic joke.