Baby Envy.

 There’s someone at our homeschooling group that just had baby # 10. For an instance I felt a slight twinge of baby envy; not that she’s “catching up” to me, but that I will never again get to experience having a sweet newborn. I love the baby stage, although the exhaustion of breast feeding and getting up during the night to feed not so much! I am also not up for all the doc’s app’ts(prenatal for me  and then for baby) or worry overs SIDS with each baby,either!

I am sad I will never experience it again; that it’s all over for me now(I’ll be 45 in a few months) but at the same time I also know it’s for the best,too: I am high risk(I was even before but now I’m older it’s only increased) plus 90% chance my liver disorder will recur(and the baby might NOT be so lucky next time!) and the high chance of having a baby with chromosomal defects, and I have high BP anyway, and physically I’m not “up” for the demands and exhaustion of another baby anymore, even though it also saddens me at the same time and I have fond nostalgic memories of it and will miss it.

Besides, my last baby(now age 4) was a very difficult baby(and he still IS!) he cried alot and was hard to feed and was fussy and difficult. Now he’s an unholy terror and I’d be afraid of having another one like him! All in all, an era has ended and it makes me sad to see others still having babies when I’m done, but I know it’s better this way as well and have come to accept that now, even thought it was hard and did take awhile to get to that point. Afterall, I did have 11 kids and spend a great deal of my adult life either prego or with a new baby, so it feels kind of “empty” and weird now without it. A new chapter in my life has now begun and I have to redefine my role and my place in life.

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