Our next door neighbours have this lone apple tree in their backyard(that also happens to hang over the fence onto our pool!) with maple trees on both sides of it.It is the only one of it’s kind, stands out and doesn’t fit in with the trees around it. That’s how I feel and have felt my entire life. I never fit in or belong, I’ve never been like other people and I feel like that apple tree among the maples.
Yesterday in Mass the deacon spoke how people identify themselves by their jobs and how it’s a trauma when they’re out of work and they feel worthless but that God loves us no matter what. That really spoke to my heart as I have always felt worthless and unloved, having been abused, rejected and bullied in life. I have never fit in and feel a lifetime of never fitting in or belonging anywhere isn’t a life worth living. My Social Phobia has worsened over the years as well, getting worse following each of our worst traumas and I withdraw more and more. In my teens and 20’s I would go out lots of places, on my own, using public transit, all over the city and now I hardly even leave the house except for church.I stay home because I feel safer here; it is a secure place for me, less likely to be hurt again. I also think that explains my frequent recurring dreams of moving back to our old Toronto house I left when I was 17: it represents a safe and happy time for me that I wish I could go back to.
I am that lone apple tree, standing there alone amid others that are not like me.I have always been on the outside looking in, watching from a distance but not included.I am an outsider, the different one, the one that stands out and doesn’t belong. I am the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I don’t fit.The one the others don’t like and mock. The one who is always on one side alone while everyone else is on the other side.It is hard living like that,a daily struggle, sometimes wanting to conform but not knowing how, likely due to my Asperger’s and anxiety disorders. It’s like everyone else has the password in life and I don’t and I am unable to get in. The world is an exclusive club and I’m not welcome or invited.I have been left out and left behind.
Luckily for me, God still likes apple trees as much as He likes maples, because He created them both.I may not be accepted by the world but I am loved and accepted by God.
In other news, on the way to church the police pulled over our 13 YR old and questioned him; his name, where he was going etc. just like in a Communist country! Apparantly he looks like someone they’re looking for! Now we know what black people feel like; the police are ALWAYS pulling them over! It was shocking and unnerving for sure and not something that usually happens to you!