Changed My Mind.

 After much thought I have decided that I changed my mind and that I won’t be going to the ashram in India afterall; it just won’t work; there are just so many extra costs, expenses and add-ons that end up costing too much and piling up, esp. considering I won’t be getting enough food or drinks and won’t even have a towel to dry off after my shower. What I originally thought was a fairly inexpensive trip ended up costing alot more(and logistics that just won’t work for me) as I had to pay for everything separately when at first I thought it was all incl. in the cost. It’s also daunting to be there all on my own so I figured it’s best all things considered I don’t go afterall.

Yet another of my hopes,plans,and dreams that didn’t work out. Something else I failed at, didn’t achieve,that fell thru,and that I looked forward to and didn’t work out. Big surprise.My hubby didn’t think I could do it on my own anyway; no one has any faith in me and it’s almost like he doesn’t want me to be happy.Things just don’t work for me,period. My life is a constant let-down and disappointment.

I’ll look into a cruise to Asia later perhaps that incl. India. I’ll still have a break and get away, but I won’t starve or be dehydrated and I’ll have clean towels for my shower. It might end up costing the same(although for 14-16 days instead of a month) but at least I’ll have what I need.I won’t be sick, lost, stranded, etc. and I can use my credit  card and not have the concerns I had here.I’m used to cruises anyway.

Now I have no more hopes, plans or goals for the future either; I originally thought I’d move to the ashram in Toronto but that didn’t work either.So now I have nothing. All I have left now is basically just waiting to die. Who am I kidding? I’m not going anywhere. I’m just stuck here until I die; I’ll never leave.There’s no more hope for anything else now.Why plan or hope for anything anyway when it never ends up happening anyway and I just end up crushed?

Gamsa.

 The ashram co-ordinator told me after bathing they use a gamsa to dry off, a thin cloth,but that laundering towels is NOT incl.; that they provide 2 towels and I have to pay 50 cents a piece for them to be washed  so I have to forget about it and just air-dry after a shower then, as I’ll be there a month and that’ll cost 15$ just to wash ONE towel daily, not incl. any other clothes(I’ll just hand-wash my underwear in the sink and hang to dry) so I’ll just have to air-dry and be all wet and chilled.I’m worried they don’t supply bed linens now either…it never ends. What next? Any more surprises?It’s already all adding up as it is….

They also told me drinks are also NOT incl. with meals(have to pay for everything separately) but can buy a litre of fruit juice for 2,50$ but I’d need to easily drink 3-4 litres a DAY in the heat, increasing my costs once again, otherwise get dehydrated, and doesn’t look like I’ll get enough food either and end up sick and maybe even in the hospital. It’s very discouraging and I’m losing hope, yet another of my plans that didn’t work, and maybe I should just forget about it and not even go? It’s getting too complicated and expensive(already up to 3000$ not even incl. drinks, visa, overnight hotel, airport pick ups, and travel insurance)and so many extras and added expenses keep on coming up that I didn’t count on, plan, budget, or afford,and what I originally thought was a fairly inexpensive trip is now ending up to be expensive.It didn’t work out about staying at the Toronto ashram and it’s not looking good for this one in India,either; yet another failure. I’m so sick of my life; nothing ever works out for me or goes right  and I look forward to things and get excited and have hope and always end up disappointed and let down because it never works out.Fuck.

There will likely be some problem with the ATM as well knowing my “luck”: it won’t work, it’ll eat my card or reject it, I won’t have access, etc. and I won’t be able to get any $$$$ or buy food or anything else and end up stranded and be so thirsty and desperate that I’ll be drinking the water as I have my shower…and end up with typhoid or cholera or something!  My mother’s mad it’s looking less and less likely all the  time that I won’t be able to go and she hissed, “Stop worrying and just GO!” as she wants me out of here and wouldn’t care if I GOT sick or died; then she’d be rid of me for good and just wants me gone!

I wonder if maybe I AM in over my head and maybe it’s NOT as do-able as I thought and hoped? Is it just more of my typical bad luck, or is it difficult now but will eventually work out in the end, or is it just not meant to be and how do I know? If airfare ends up 3000$-4000$ or something outrageous too then for sure I’m not going. I also heard getting a visa is a hassle(and so for me then even MORE so)  and I really and truly think that I’m just NOT meant to BE happy  or have things ever go right.I’m so tired of always being let down, disappointed, failing at everything, unhappy and having so much always working against me all the time. It’s very defeating. Maybe it would be too daunting all on my own though too; what if I DID get sick? hurt? robbed? lost?cheated? in the hospital? no money? stranded? Not able to get what I need? etc. and there’s no one to help me? Is this God’s way of telling me I shouldn’t go or just something else that didn’t work out for me as always?

The more I think about it, it’s probably not a good idea with all these roadblocks,added costs and expenses, set-backs, Spartan living conditions( not enough food or drink and not even able to dry myself after a shower), having to pay for everything separately, concerns about ATM’s and $$$, etc. just keep piling up and it’s so discouraging. Nothing goes easy for me and everything always has to be so complicated and difficult. I still do WANT to go but it’s just not looking too likely anymore; yet another plan I have to give up on that didn’t work out. Everything’s always such a problem for me and I’m so mad and fed up. When will it ever end? A friend of mine says my expectations are too high…but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to be fed up when originally I was under the impression everything was incl. for the 75$ a week and then find out it’s all extra and ends up costing way more $$$ than I was lead to believe. I’m also sick of  things never working out and always being disappointed and having my plans dashed.

As if things weren’t already shitty enough my mother also bought a pack of ear plugs and of course when she got home noticed the package was empty; someone had stolen them. This is why whenever I buy anything I always check the package/item in the store BEFOREHAND  to make sure it’s in there and the right size, colour, if anything’s missing, etc. because I KNOW I’m that person that always ends up with the defective one, and most times it IS and I have to get another one. I hate it that we ALWAYS get the shit of everything and get the shaft in life.

As well, the 4th contractor we called who said he’d come and do the insurance repairs never came,either, and I wonder if they can somehow “sense” and know we’re “cursed” and stay away and won’t come near the house? Is that why no one shows up?We likely will end up not even having any insurance coverage at ALL as it won’t be re-approved without the repairs and re-newal is due in just 2 more months and we’re running out of time! We’ve been trying to get someone to do it for the past 6 MONTHS but no luck.

Like I said, NOTHING ever works or goes right for us and I’m sick of it! Even when things LOOK hopeful something will always happen to ruin, or cancel, it.For me not only is there no gold at the end of the rainbow….I don’t even have the rainbow.