SeaBreeze And Mudd.

 The other day we were cleaning and donating clothing to the poor when I came across a VERY old jar of SeaBreeze face cleanser and Mudd moisturizing cream I’d had from the early to mid 80’s when I was a teen! The Seabreeze was a thick creamy solution and I’m not even sure if they even make that one anymore and the same goes for the Mudd cream. When I saw it, it brought back some nostalgic memories of a happier time.My teen years weren’t particularly “good” at the time but when I look back they were good compared to now. If only I had known.It was like my life was over before it even really began.

The day before I turned 13(when the bullying started at 13) was also the last day of the best part of my life,and after all the bullying and numerous traumas that followed thru the years life as I knew it ended and was over, forever changed, and I would never be the same again or feel safe or happy again. It changed me and damaged me for the rest of my life.I had thought the best was yet to come but it had already passed.I think now I am actually incapable of being happy.

It’s also depressing to realize that I have gained at least 60 pounds since my early 20’s as well due to the genetic “curse” that everyone on my mother’s side of the family gains weight and ends up fat in their 40’s. Due to my breathing problem I can’t exert myself  and exercise either without getting short of breath and despite trying pretty well every diet and diet pill out there nothing works. It hurts to know that I will never be thin again but you can’t fight genetics.

Here I am, living my “double” life; myself and my family looking normal and happy on the outside but at odds, struggling, discord,conflict, strife and unhappiness on the inside. I am infinitely unhappy, unloved, unlucky and a failure. Now my happy memories of the past and of  happier times is all I have to hold on to now.Finding the Seabreeze and Mudd brought me back to that time.