Take It Back.

 I know this sounds awful but when I look back and if I knew then what I know now I probably wouldn’t have had kids.I didn’t know it would be like this and had no idea that it would be  so much stress, fear, worry,trauma, medical issues,hassles, etc.I was actually better off before. Having kids was my dream but it was yet again something else that didn’t work for me and that I failed at.Big “surprise.”

I think many parents likely feel the same way; that it wasn’t what they signed up for and that they didn’t think it would be like this. I think that they just don’t ADMIT it.As awful as it sounds I feel guilty as well as I know it’s God’s will to have kids and He wants us to build families; that’s what marriage and sex is designed for; for procreation.But like everything else, things that work for other people don’t for me.Perhaps it’s not like this for others, I don’t know, but for me it wasn’t what I thought, hoped,and expected.I didn’t think it would be all sunshine and rainbows and I know teens are challenging, but it’s the rest of the stuff I have trouble dealing with.It was way more than I was prepared for.I honestly believe that only the 8 YR old would care if I died; the others wouldn’t even miss me and in fact would be glad.

When I was saying the other day I would have changed my mind my mother hissed, “This is YOUR family; the one that YOU wanted!” and I replied, “I wish I could take it back!” I never should have had kids; they’re not worth all the trouble. My kids hate me and are mouthy, defiant, talk back, are disobedient,mock, insult and ridicule me,are mean, run off to my mother(and she takes their side and agrees with them that I’m “mean”, “stupid”,etc. and they whisper about me behind my back) when I punish them, my hubby sneers that *I* “make things worse”,etc.

I hate this family and regret I ever had it. I am just so miserable, lost, confused, struggling,broken, defeated, beaten, rejected, victimized, hated, bullied, unloved and have no future in life.Even doing the right thing and staying home with them, homeschooling,and raising them godly my kids STILL hate me. I failed at that just as I’ve failed at everything else in my life. Nothing ever works or lasts too long for me, be it interests, jobs, pets, kids, etc.

There’s so much in my life that I regret, both things I’ve done and that I haven’t done, and that I would change if I could go back. I would change pretty well everything if I could. I would have been better off staying single and not having any kids.My dream ended up making me miserable; yet something else that I can’t do right.If only I could take it back but I can’t.