I Have The Right.

 The 4 YR old was being a brat as always(threw his lunch in the garbage, yelled at me to “Go away forever and never come back!” and even hit my hubby(who didn’t even care,and lets him, in fact, doesn’t even notice anymore since he does it so much)as he’s been so indulged and spoiled by my mother and hubby and I’d had enough and yelled at him(if the kids actually behaved I’d never even have to yell!)…then my hubby yells at ME, “You’re always so angry!” in a critical, disgusted way. Well, I let him have it! I’m insulted actually that he doesn’t even think I have the right to be angry! Why is it when HE’S being a brat it’s MY fault for getting mad?

If he had MY life he’d be angry,too! I have life-long bad luck, rejection, abuse, bullying, misfortunes, bad luck, struggles, traumas, limits, always blamed for everything, ganged-up on, have no support, etc. I have every right to be angry! I live a morose life of depression and sadness, my dark side’s never really been far from the surface. I have a dark, hollow, empty, painful life full of tragedy, pain, loss, hurt, emotional scars,regrets, self-hatred, etc. A little sympathy and understanding would be nice.He has NO idea what it’s like being me.I feel like an unhappy, unwanted  appendage to this family; a burden and inconvenience  they must tolerate.

On top of that, the physical features of Marfan Syndrome are the cause of my ugly face,and with my breathing problem I can’t exert myself either and when I walked to the corner store just up the block I was out of breath and had chest pains yet my hubby and 17 YR old chuckle that I’m just “fat, lazy, and out of shape”(and they jeer I just use my breathing problem as an “excuse”) and my breathing problem HAS gotten worse as I get older and fatter(also genetic.) I hurt every day as well: always have either a headache, sore back or neck, or stomach pain, or a combination, or often all of them at at the same time. I can’t even remember a pain-free day,plus my bladder’s been stretched out from having all the kids and I leak pee and squirt out pee when I cough or yell, and I hate being fat and read tips how to appear thinner I might try as well: duct tape boobs down flatter and putting a piece of cardboard in front of my stomach to make it look flatter. Why not? I’ve tried almost everything else…

Considering my life and my constant ongoing  struggles I think I deserve the right to be angry, unhappy, complain, dis-satisfied,feel cheated, victimized,last in life,and left out, to hate myself, my life,and living here. There has GOT to be more out of life than merely surviving,and most days barely even doing that. There has to be some joy there somewhere.I find it hard to believe everyone else hates life as much as I do.There has to be more to it…

I sure as hell have a right to be angry!