I Hate Life And Life Hates Me.

 Bear with me, this will be a long one, I can tell.

Not only do I have all the facial abnormalities of Marfan Syndrome(which is WHY I’m ugly!) such as long narrow face, flat cheeks, deep-set eyes, deformed jaw, high narrow arched palate and crowded teeth, I found out my other ailments are common in Marfan as well: sore lower back(due to spinal problems) headaches(leaking CSF) shortness of breath, and not seeing well, and I have all of them; they’re all connected and now all explained too. I always knew there was something, now I know why; the puzzle has been solved.I have always struggled with my looks my entire life and with Marfan, Aspergers, Social Phobia, OCD, and my perception problem all combined life is very hard for me and I don’t have the tools I need to navigate thru life and I struggle.

The 8 YR old(the only one that DOES love me) also cried,”I hate it Papa doesn’t like you!” and “Why is everyone always so mean to you and makes you cry?” My hubby is annoyed, hates it and yells at me all the time because he has to always keep repeating things before I can understand  and he doesn’t have the patience, understanding or tolerance for anyone dumb. He’s smart and things come easy for him and he learns quickly  and doesn’t understand why  it doesn’t for me and why I always struggle and everything’s always so hard for me.It frustrates him and he thinks because things are easy for him it should be for everyone else. He hates it as well I “always complain” how nothing works for me, I have bad luck, and everything always goes wrong and I’m fed up with my sub-standard life and he doesn’t want to hear it….but how does he think *I* feel having to LIVE it every day?

I hate my fractured family and I accidently gave the kids the “wrong” pizza and my hubby rages and screams at me and the 17 and 13 YR olds   jeer I’m an “idiot” and “insane” and he not only lets them talk to me like that, he agrees with them and sneered everything IS my fault(and that’s why everyone always blames me) and I don’t take any responsibility, and that the kids treat me the way I treat MY mother when in actual fact they copy seeing how him and her mistreat ME!! He also says I “don’t love the kids”(he has it backwards; they don’t love me)which isn’t true,  and he’s mad I “don’t like” him as well(even though HE’S the one that treats ME like shit!) I wish I was dead. If he’s right and I AM the cause of everything then I might as well kill myself then; it would solve the problem and everyone would be better off(I’d be free of my miserable existance and they’d be rid of me) so I should just eliminate myself from the equation. It’s like how it was with having  my first baby though; I really want to but I’m also scared.

Even “little” things don’t work for me,either: I can no longer upload photos on Facebook anymore(for a week now) so I tried the kids’ computer and when I was done she said HER computer doesn’t work anymore ever since I used it; I AM a jinx of bad luck and curse everything I touch; I don’t know what else would explain it.I also only watch ONE TV show a week and now another show( a one-time special) I want to watch of course HAS to be on that exact SAME day and time,even though there’s 6 other days and various other times it could be on instead, but oh, no; it HAD to be then,so now I don’t know which one to choose. The church is starting changes to the Mass, Liturgy and prayers now as well and I don’t like change(my Asperger’s makes it even worse) and whenever there’s change it’s never for the better; always worse. I wish they’d just leave things the way they are. My mom comes home from her trip in a few HRS as well and the kids miss her but no one ever misses me(except for the 8 YR old) when I go away. I hope being away she’ll be nicer when she comes back,too. I’m just one of those people that the universe shits on.

When I die whether I go to Heaven or am reincarnated( no one knows for sure what actually happens until the time comes, we can only speculate) I just want to be happier than I am now.

Life hates me.I hate me.Everyone hates me. I hate my life.Once again I will pray to God to take me in my sleep but He never does and I wake up disappointed every day.