I feel like everything is over for me now. Game over. The best is over now and there’s nothing left anymore, nothing left to look forward to, no future plans, hopes,dreams, or goals. Everything is over: being happy, being thin,feeling safe,having babies, having pets,and having friends(not incl. online friends, which are now my only link to the outside world and my only source of support.) I miss my past. I miss happy times. I miss my Chihuahuas. I miss our old house. I miss my happy memories.I miss the life I used to have when I was happy. I miss my childhood. I miss old friends. I miss relatives.
I also wonder if my mental deficits might partly be to blame for my mishaps and things not working for me, such as my perception problem being the cause why I always bump into things,knock things over,drop things, spill things,trip, fall, fumble,etc. and my ugly face is due to my Marfan Syndrome,and my Asperger’s why I’ve always been different, called “weird”, ostracized, bullied,and never fit in.My headaches might also be caused by either Marfan(leaking spinal fluid), Chiari Malformation(brain stem slipping into spinal cord),my high BP, or even a tumour.I still have no idea what causes my endless bad luck and traumas in life though;maybe our family’s been cursed or something? If it weren’t for my deformities I wouldn’t have been so limited in life,missed out on so much, so unhappy, hating myself,being ugly, and would have been normal and had a normal life.I deeply, deeply resent the cards I have been dealt in life.I have been majorly short-changed!
I just finished a 3 day long immobilizing headache again as well(the longest I had so far was 33 DAYS in a row, yes, really) and it exhausted me, I napped for 2 HRS each day, it sucked the life out of me, I was dizzy, had neck pain, slurred my words,fatigued, nauseated from the pain and all I wanted to do was sleep all day.It’s so hard to try and get thru these headaches. It’s agony.My abdomen is also often crampy and my stomach feels hard, and like it has a tight band squeezing it.I’m broken.
On top of that, I wonder if I have Alzheimers(even though I’m only 44) as my increasing mental decline matches the symptoms: forgetting common words, struggling to find words, using the wrong words, reversing letters and numbers, forgetting names, being confused,struggling with easy tasks,unable to do basic math,etc. unless it’s a brain tumour? I have no idea but I DO know the symptoms ARE real; I just don’t know what’s causing them, all I know is I AM declining and it keeps getting worse, not better.
Like I said, the best is over, and there’s nothing left for me anymore now.