Anniversary.

 Today is our wedding anniversary. 23 YRS. I can’t believe it’s been that long; more than half of my LIFE. Seems depressing. I feel so old.

My hubby snidely remarked as well that he thought I’d “blocked it out” as it was my “biggest regret in life”(actually, being BORN is my biggest regret!) and I have many regrets in my life, both things I have done and wished I hadn’t and things I haven’t done but wished I’d had.To commemorate we’ll be going out to dinner at a restaurant, not that there’s that many choices around here in “Bumble- F*ck.”

I never had the big wedding I’d hoped for and started to plan either. I had everything booked and on deposit, the traditional banquet hall and(alcohol-free) fancy meal, limo, DJ, photographers,flowers,fancy gown, etc. and it would have costed 5000$ for the 50 people, but we kept fighting about it; he insisted on inviting his sisters bratty rowdy hoodlum kids and I said no, they’d ruin it, and it was adding up to cost so much, so in the end we cancelled it all and just got married the 2 of us, with just the officiant and the witnesses and then went out to eat. It cost a total of 250$ and we decided to use the original 5000$ to save up for our future kids….and our oldest was born exactly 10 months to the day!

It’s been a hard 23 YRS, never easy,not what I expected or signed up for, and now we just tolerate one another, like room-mates. We have separate lives and separate interests, we travel separately and have nothing in common(other than the kids) and there is a cultural divide(he’s a redneck and I’m not) but neither of us could do any better and we both wanted a family so we settled. That’s basically it, but we at least used to be friends. Now the rancor,resentment, and hostility just keeps getting worse and we’re only holding on until the kids are all grown up and moved out. All of the major traumas in my life(other than being bullied in school and our son’s cancer) have also all been caused either directly or indirectly by him(put it this way; if I’d never met him none of them would have happened and I wouldn’t have had to go thru what I did,damaging me emotionally for life), and his family is a cause of contention, he has deeply hurt and betrayed me on the deepest level,so much so I can never trust him again, and he is always belittling, criticizing, demeaning and dismissing me.He and my mother also gang up on me and blame me for everything.I have no love or support and my needs don’t matter. I am always over-ruled and undermined and no one cares about my opinion.

If I knew then what I know now I never would have done it. I would have been better off staying single. NOTHING is worth all that trauma, stress, fear, worry, anxiety, unhappiness, lack of love and support.He’s ruined my life.

Yeah….happy anniversary.

I know it’s horribly personal and  blunt, but it’s honest,and this is my blog; my outlet, my therapy, my place to vent.Free-for-all.I won’t be censored on my own blog.I just let it fly.